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Child mental health

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12yo distraught and depressed

19 replies

ahatlikeprincessmarina · 27/08/2017 23:36

My 12yo DS has always had a slight tendency to be morose at times but I'm getting really worried. He's spent the last two weekends crying a LOT and mostly holed up in his room, and is unable to give me a reason why he feels sad. He's not been out of the house since coming home from school on Friday, and he's normally really sporty.

It sounds harsh, but I know him so well it almost feels to me as though he's 'trying out' the feeling of depression. I'm not suggesting he's being deliberately manipulative at all and I have no doubt that he's feeling awful, but ... I don't know. He's only like this on non-school days – I'm sure he'll be fine for school tomorrow. He instantly says 'No' or 'I don't know' to every question or suggestion when I'm trying to be helpful, and when I've gone to sit with him for a bit and then leave the room, his crying starts to get much louder. When a couple of times I've been outside his room having a conversation with DH or one of his siblings, the volume of his crying inside gets louder. It has got louder when he hears me and one of his siblings having fun –almost as if I shouldn't be laughing when he is so miserable (and it doesn't feel 100% right to me either –but I'm trying not to bring myself down too). People have visited the house and the crying stops until they leave, when it restarts. It just doesn't quite sound totally real. I feel horrible for thinking this and of course I'm not giving him any suggestion I am. It's still something serious to ruin all these days for him and I'm desperate to know how to help.

He is being incredibly clingy to me and sometimes won't enter/leav a room unless I go with him ... he asked me to follow him round the house with him tonight while he did all the pre-bedtime preparation stuff ...

Has anyone else encountered this? Could hormones have a part to play (I hope)? He's not really showing any signs of puberty yet but I imagine the hormone surge starts before there's anything outward.

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BellaNoche · 27/08/2017 23:50

Hello, I thought that it was still school hols.....but he was at school on Friday and back in school tomorrow (Bank Holiday)????

I would be wary of any attempts to "diagnose" online.
It does sound more than the usual young person hormone kicking in type behaviour.You really need to talk to a professional in 3D.
Also:
youngminds.org.uk/find-help/for-parents/

Best wishes
BN

BellaNoche · 27/08/2017 23:58

Just looked at your previous threads.... are you in Scotland?
I think you all need to see GP for advice for starters ..

ahatlikeprincessmarina · 28/08/2017 00:05

Yes, Scotland–we've been back at school a couple of weeks. Thanks BN – he is adamant he's not going to go to the doctor, but this can't continue. Thank you for the link.

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SuperPug · 28/08/2017 00:21

Has he just started a new school? Or any changes?
Because I remember a very similar period at this age where I cried in different lessons at school and at home because I was finding it very difficult to cope with change. Even though it was good change!
I'm generally a happy person now but still don't like change and weirdly enough, some songs from that time still give me an "empty" feeling as I'm recalling those memories.

ahatlikeprincessmarina · 28/08/2017 07:32

Yes he has, SuperPug–just started high school. It would seem an extreme reaction to that, though, as he has been very keen and ready to go for months and is loving it. He was sooo over primary school since about last Christmas. But thanks for your insight about being a happy person but not liking change.

As I predicted, he's feeling pretty much fine this morning –up, breakfasted and enthusiastic about heading to school. (I'm not being cynical btw, just starting to recognise the pattern.)

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BellaNoche · 28/08/2017 13:44

@ahatlikeprincessmarina
Just to say thinking of you, I hope he is ok, if it were a school bullying things I'm minded that he would be a bit more reluctant to go.
And yes, I get that he won't visit GP, forcing him might be counterproductive but you do need to have a talk with someone just for your own sake at least.

Tbh Some GP's don't really have a clue on this sort of thing.

I hope you are ok, take an hour for yourself and just try and relax... although easier said than done I realise!

"Young minds" will give you advice as to where to go from here and any contacts that are more local to you... I'm struggling myself with a little one- but their situation is different so I won't try and compare etc.

Hoping for more settled times for you and yours x

ahatlikeprincessmarina · 28/08/2017 14:07

Thanks, BellaNoche and I'm sorry you're having your own troubles too. I have made an appointment with the GP for next week and hoping this might somehow change his routine at the weekend. I won't force him to go and hope I'll be able to cancel it, but it might get him talking a bit more as he really can't seem to identify a reason for feeling like this. I will have a good read of the Young Minds link as well.

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BellaNoche · 03/09/2017 13:07

Hello there,
Hope that you see this. Just to say that I have been thinking of you and yours. All good wishes.
Bella x

ahatlikeprincessmarina · 24/09/2017 15:12

I'm sorry I didn't see your last message, BellaNoche! Thank you –I was just coming back to update. I hope your situation might have improved a bit? Flowers

Things are not good –I have taken DS to the doctor now but was given the 'just keep an eye on it' line. DS sounded happy, confident and articulate about his problems when we were talking to the doctor, and it al seemed very 'it's good to talk' ... He suggested the next stage was to contact the educational psychologist at school, for which you have to go through his guidance teacher ... I will do this but it all sounded a convoluted process and I'm worried we'll be on waiting lists for months while things continue to deteriorate.

He's descended back into misery on many occasions since. Today he was happy and jolly this morning then we found out a day out with a friend was being postponed and he instantly plummeted into misery, heading back to bed, crying and wailing, hitting (soft) things, rocking backwards and forwards, giving me monosyllabic answers or no answers at all Sad. It's all just such a sudden change in him. No way would he have reacted like this 6 months ago –he'd have been disappointed, yes, but would have got on with things and found something else to do. It's not as if we overschedule him either. I've always been a great fan of having days when nothing is planned, so they can get a little bit bored and figure out things to do on their own. It's always been fine until now.

I did look at that Young Minds link –thank you –and am not dismissing it but none of the 'conditions', or 'feelings and symptoms' really seem to apply to DS. I see there are helplines for parents, though, so may go down that route.

Tomorrow's another holiday from school here and I'm dreading it. I don't want to fill it for him but anything I suggest is met with an instant 'no'.

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ahatlikeprincessmarina · 24/09/2017 17:08

Two hours later and he is still writhing on the rug, rolling back and forward and crying very loudly. I have no clue what to do. 😢

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OddBoots · 24/09/2017 17:18

What would he do if you just lay next to him with or without some supportive contact and didn't try to give him answers to anything unless he asked but told him is it fine to let it all out? I've had to do that with dd before when she has been overwhelmed by emotions of unknown cause.

cestlavielife · 24/09/2017 17:21

Go back to gp ask for referral to camhs
You need some help with this
Keep a diary

ahatlikeprincessmarina · 24/09/2017 17:47

Yes, I'm keeping a diary now. I plan on.phoning doc first thing on Tues.

Boots, I have tried that on occasion and it doesn't really seem to make any difference, he doesn't really care if iI'm there or not most of the time.Thanks though.

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SealSong · 24/09/2017 21:37

He doesn't necessarily need a referral to CAMHS. I'd start with looking in to whether there are any young people's counselling services in your area. He may just need some space to talk through his emotions. He may be in the grip of puberty and hormonal changes, and dealing with the transition to high school.
Make sure you give him plenty of positive attention and time when he is not behaving like this, so that he does not feel he has to do this to get your attention.

ahatlikeprincessmarina · 25/09/2017 07:36

Private counselling would be expensive though, no?

We have a good relationship the rest of the time - he certainly has never felt he had to 'act up' to get my attention.

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SealSong · 25/09/2017 07:43

It doesn't have to be private counselling. In a lot of areas there are free counselling services for children.
I'm suggesting this as a CAMHS worker. Unless your DS is significantly depressed he may not meet the criteria for (overstretched) CAMHS services, and usually something such as counselling is suggested first anyway.
However, do discuss further with your GP if you are still concerned.
I hope he feels more settled soon.

iamUberA · 25/09/2017 09:34

I'd speak to school first and see if he can see the school counsellor?
Then he can be referred to camhs from there if necessary.

Flomper · 25/09/2017 09:39

can you film him when he is like that to show the GP, maybe without him realising.

ahatlikeprincessmarina · 25/09/2017 16:14

Thanks all - yes, I filmed him yesterday, in fact. Horrible but necessary.
Will speak to both school and doctor fiat thing tomorrow, I think, and see what they suggest.

Seal, thanks for that. I'm ignorant, though - I thought CAMHS would offer counselling, but you say it's often suggested before CAMHS?

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