Please help me and my 16 year old.

[Pleasehelp17]

Posted this in chat last night but also posting here for anymore help and advice.

I don't even know where to start.

16 year old ds has Aspergers, ODD and anxiety... our relationship is pretty much non exsistent nowadays, he has completely shut me out and I'm desperate to help him but I don't know how to help or where else to turn as help we have been offered in the past he won't co-operate with. He's violent with me and his siblings, he has smashed his bedroom up several times in rages, smashed 3 TVs in the last few months. His verbal abuse is out of control, he says the most disgusting things to us, his family, calls us vile names it really is horrendous.

He was in mainstream school till sept last year where he refused to go back as he couldn't cope there, has no friends and was being picked on, he then spent the the next 5 months pretty much shut away in his bedroom with his phone and PlayStation, he is obsessed with talking to girls on social media, he gets fixated on about 3 different girls a weeks and will swing from high to low moods.. he doesn't open up much to me but he has told me he will be speaking to a girl and after a couple of days she will block him and he will be depressed, moody, verbally abusive to myself and his siblings till he fixates on another girl he'll be in a high mood and then history repeats itself and it's just a cycle of ups and downs. He is desperately searching for a girlfriend, doesn't matter who it is anyone will do but he hasn't got a clue how to speak to people or how to act around them as he doesn't socialise and he doesn't have ANY friends. He has now been at a new 'school' for 3 weeks now which is for children with special needs.

He has arrested twice now due to his violence but nothing ever seems to change, social workers, youth workers, counsellors etc have all tried working with him and he just point blank refuses to engage with them, he's completely in his own bubble and won't let anyone in.
Last time he got arrested was 2 weeks ago, he got bailed to his grandparents house and refused to speak to me for a week, was sending me message saying he was going to kill himself. I'm absolutely worried sick about him, I'm not sleeping at night.. I have no clue how to parent him, he doesn't want me to parent him! I'm terrified about his future, I don't see how he will lead a normal, adult life with him being the way he is.
Sorry for rambling, has anyone got any advice please?

Anyone?

I really didn't want to leave this unanswered. I'm sorry, I don't have any advice for you. You sound like you are doing everything you can for him. I'm assuming that he has had a proper psychological assessment? Could you make an appointment to talk to your GP about what your options are? I have no qualifications whatsoever, but the way you've written this sounds like you are considering that he might have bipolar. Apologies if I've read that wrong. Does he take medication for this?

This board is very quiet. Try asking for it to be moved to Special Needs chat or children and I'm sure you'll get help soon.

@pleasehelp17

I also can be of no help but can sympathise. My son asd. He's14. There's only us in house. (and ddog) At the moment things are relatively under control but tonight he has kicked door repeatedly because I've upset him. But then I get. "no wonder I break things" "it's your fault. You need to get me to do it." the only time we really get on is when he is doing what he wants ( though I know it's not good for him ) he has spent whole weekend in front of screen. Door kicking due to me asking him to do his homework. I gave him till 2 pm. He's still there. He's due a shower at 8.30. But I. Can guess the excuse be he hasn't done his homework. It's not as if he has a lot. It's not as if he can't do it. I even went to show him some easy easy. He does NOT want to know.
Whether this weekend will end well I don't know. What I. Do know is if I try to intervene too much he'll go off on one so no better then. So do I. Just leave it???

Sorry. Meant to be helping you. Sorry. My point was. He's happy when I'm not trying to get him to do something so I. Try to take him away as much as I can. Away from home, sharing a room together, we have a fucking ball!! Go figure.

Fuck of a nightmare trying to get him ready for the trip though. I don't think there's been one yet I have said blah blah blah don't think we're going to end up going!

OP, I'm so sorry you're having to go through this & can feel your anxiety through your words. Seems to me you're doing almost everything you possibly can, except there's one suggestion from me that may help? - Get support for you!

DD's mental health was of concern from the age of 11/12. We spoke with her school & arranged an assessment for counselling. There was a long wait for one:one counselling, however a suggestion was made to try family counselling in the meantime. DD came along on a handful of occasions, but instead DH & myself used the time to work on ourselves. It wasn't that we were useless parents, just that we were focusing everything on DD & had no time for ourselves. We were also getting stuck in a rut with how we were trying to manage the situation. The outcome of family counselling was that we were taught better strategies to cope with DD's behaviour & in turn things improved & we all were much happier living together. The counselling was free & there was also the option of group therapy which was a great opportunity to share ideas with other parents. Sadly it's amazing how many families are going through similar experiences.

OP, you do not need to go through this alone. Could your son's school or social services or GP or CAMHS help? Sending you an enormous hug