Violent outbursts can't continue

[sighbynight]

My 13yo DS is on the waiting list for CAMHS - about 8 months off I'm told. Hs school is threatening to permanently exclude him - fee-paying, they can do this - so we have decided to see a consultant child psych privately. That is next week. We really need some kind of diagnosis so we can sort out a treatment programme for him, rather than groping in the dark like we are at the moment.

What is really concerning me at the moment are his violent outbursts. He has admitted to suicidal thoughts in the past, so when he loses it, we don't leave him on his own. Last night he was shouting, screaming, calling us stupid cunts, battering doors, pushing, trying to pull chairs out from underneath us, and them he purposefully smashed a glass wardrobe door. My husband was home last night, so we coped. But how am I supposed to deal with these rampages on my own?

I'm venting more than anything else. But I really don't know how to respond to this, other than prioritising keeping the other 3 children, and himself, safe. He has hit me hard enough to bruise and thrown chairs at me in the past.

Do cahms know his risk? Can you push for something quicker? Or do you have the cash to pay for a private assessment ?

Oh this is so familiar to me.
Next time he is violent call 111 and tell them what's happening, this is his way of showing he can't cope with his feelings and needs help.

We can afford the assessment. I'm worried that he will be all straight acting at the assessment. He is often in denial. The smashed wardrobe was my fault, apparently. For not leaving him alone. How can I leave him alone if I'm scared he might hurt himself.

You're not alone. It is bloody hard, and scary.

My OH's son is behaving in a similar way. He has had a CAMHS assessment done through his school provision, which suggested ASD. His school are working with him on social and emotional issues, but he has recently escalated the violence, and at 15, it's hard if not impossible to restrain him.

As a result OH went to his GP and got an emergency referral back to CAMHS, but that was 10 days ago and still nothing.

I don't know what the future holds for him, or us. I think he needs some sort of counselling or therapy, and that's probably our next thing to research.

Also I know this is counterintuitive, but staying with him and trying to placate him just seems to make things worse. Ime

Have you talked to him about what is going on?
If he can tell when he is building up to ' losing it' he might be able to do something to relieve his stress before it gets out of hand. - ds goes for run

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this

What happens when you dial 111? Do people actually come out? It must be hours after the event. It is a tempting and appalling thought, phoning the police.

Do you have any thoughts of what you thinks going on? Has he always been like this, or has it been triggered by an event?

Going by behaviour alone (you haven't mentioned any triggers so can't comment on that), he sounds like my son who has HFA/PDA (pathological demand avoidance - might be worth having a look, you might find the strategies helpful - Google PDA society and PDA resource for useful info, even if it's not PDA the strategies may help). My son masks in school though, so they don't see any of it.

Do you know what triggers this behaviour? A good step might be to start a diary so you can hopefully spot why this is happening.

There's a book called The Explosive Child which is brilliant for children like this, and accompanying website and FB page Lives in the Balance.

IME CAMHS aren't terribly helpful, but hopefully in your area they will be.
Private assessment is a good idea, it might mean you get some answers sooner.

In the end, depending on what' showing on, the onus will be on you finding strategies that work, and the key to that is knowing what's going on in the first place.

We do encourage him to channel his energy, run, swim, anything. But he is so depressed (my diagnosis) that he cannot be motivated to do it.

Thank you PhilPhil. I'll look for that.

101 is police. It could help your ds if he's not understanding how his behaviour is affecting others.
It may also be recorded evidence should you need it.

Is 111 nhs direct?

Yes basically 111 replaced nhs direct.

I know things will vary across the country, but when we did it we were called back by a mental health nurse and then referred to the crisis team at a&e the same day. They were really helpful and ds got a change appointment in about a week.

I felt awful doing it, like we were somehow giving up on ds being normal, but now feel very positive about him getting some help.

Thank you. That is good information.

Hello
my son is 16....and a nightmare...same as your with name calling..outbursts...rage..one min in years next wanting to hurt people...i have gone to the doctors, spoke to the hospital (he tried to take hid life twice) mental health and called the police on him...even talking to social services...just cant get any help. He scare me so much and worried he will hurt my two year old. Asked if i could put him in a safe house just he cant hurt himself or anyone else but all i get from everyone is that hes 16 and has to help himself...i hope you can find help as feel you pain x