Ashamed but about to give up on ds 15

[HormonalHeap]

Today 14:04 HormonalHeap

Ds 15 has a severe gaming addiction. About to get chucked out of school and kicked dh (his stepdad) in the stomach this morning before trying to throw him down the stairs. His violence has escalated and happens whenever we try and restrict his gaming. He will not see anyone to get help as he thinks the object is to restrict his gaming- the only thing he lives for. Dh and I had an hour with a psychologist who explained to us why this has happened and how he uses it as a means of escape from problems, but without him seeing anyone he can't be helped. I'm terrified that at 15 this is my last chance to stop him beating up some poor woman as an adult and ending up behind bars. Has anyone been through similar or have any experience of addiction in adolescents?

Passmethecrisps thank you, I know you are talking sense. The psychologist told me he is ill. We are seeing her again tomorrow to discuss a way forward. I have tried a gradual withdrawal but he is unable to keep to any agreements. I so agree that his mental health is more important than his education. I haven't been honest with the school as to the extent of the problem as I'm worried they'll chuck him out but maybe now's the time.

Ds just took a rare break to come and find me, kissed me on my head and tell me he loves me. Feel so sad I'm welling up!

Idefix thank you for sharing your experience. My ds like yours did has his head in the sand thinking he won't fail exams. but exams are the least of my problems now. I'm so scared of what is to come when we take the consoles away but I owe it to him to parent properly. Unfortunately my dh is not his dad and although fully supportive to me, the dynamics are obviously different. How long did it take you to break the cycle?

I can't advise about how to manage the gaming stuff and it sounds like you are seeking really good quality professional help.

School though - you need to be honest with them. I don't understand why they would kick him out for it. I would have thought that a leading independent school would have robust pastoral systems and might have encountered this issue before. As a PP stated, there would be people to assist with this in the local authority and a plan should be sought with school to support him with his studies.

Good luck.

He is obviously a loving boy. You have done a good job.

See the psychologist tomorrow and get some solid ideas about what needs to happen and what support you can get.

Contact the school and be honest with them. Ask the psychologist if she will write them a full report outlining the difficulties. They can exclude him for defiance but not for being mentally unwell.

If he were my pupil I would start by offering a reduced timetable of later starts in the day. Coming in for roughly 11am for example. From experience even the most exhausted can get up and out by 11 and if he knows he is wanted and expected rather than thinking he will get into trouble he might well do it.

Could he look through his timetable and identify low points and high ones? Try to identify triggers and positives and work on those.

But remember - this might not seem to work at the time. It might seem a waste of everyone's time and energy. But one day your boy will emerge and he will have all the messages that you cared so hard and tried everything and then he might be ready to give it a go.

For your own sanity though don't revisit daily. Have days when your just get on with being so that he has space to come and give you kisses.

From realising late in November that ds was sneaking downstairs at night till the verbal abuse and moods stopped about 12 weeks. I did a lot is very hands on support regarding a revision program and really micro-managed what happened after school and at the weekends.

It must be very hard for you and dh, especially if he is not your ds dad. Really important to present a united front, it sounds like you are doing this ds really played myself and dh, spotted early dh was less keen to deprive pfb or his crutch.

We didn't seek any professional help so not able to say that what we did was right. Ds has dyslexia and a processing disorder, when he was in primary we had lots of issues with ocds and add. The micromanaging was a strategy that we used then to good effect.

Would recommend any type of physical activity if you can persuade ds. Hope the specialist is able to help.

Lilipot15 this particular school isn't the most nurturing, they are totally results focused and don't want boys with problems. But you're right, they've requested a meeting with us and I will have to come clean. The psychologist we saw knows this school and thinks it has failed him in not clocking all the absences and trips to matron.

Passmethecrisps thanks, he's a loving boy but no I haven't done a good job! Thank you for the excellent idea of asking the psychologist to write the school a report, although not having met ds in person I'm not sure she'd do this, but worth asking.

Getting him out of bed in the morning with his phantom headaches is a nightmare, as are the ensuing accusations that I don't believe him. And yes, sometimes I just relax (give in), and he gives me the biggest of hugs (usually after a meal to say thank you)

OP, I haven't got any wise words, but I hope you may have a pleasant surprise about the school's attitude. Do you know anyone who works in a good quality state school? It may be worth discussing with them how they would provide support in such a situation, or ask advice here - someone above makes good points.

I would have thought that independent schools would still have to demonstrate where pupils are with regards to their target grades, and also how they are supporting students with difficulties. An exclusion would have to be justified and also wouldn't look good for them. I hope the meeting has a positive outcome for you all.

I think a good quality state school would have spotted problems and been onto ds. The school has already demonstrated how far behind he is and are fast losing patience because all they hear is lies from him re work being done when it hasn't. I'm guessing an early exclusion will look better for them than a bunch of d's on their results.

Umm is the school only day school? Maybe boarding woudl help.

Maybe a boot camp type something woudl help. Short sharp shock. Yes he would be angry at you for doing it but it might break the cycle. Also you would not forgive yourself if you did nothing.

Such a difficult situation, I really feel for you.

This is addiction like any other. His drug of choice is gaming. The priory and capio nightingale have inpatient programs for Kurds addicted to gaming but you have to get him there.
We had this with drugs being used to self medicate, thus is no different. If he is a danger to himself or others he could be sectioned. We nearly got to that stage when ds slipped into drug induced mania. But it is last resort and can affect things later.
There are also people who act as intervention specialists and will come to the house. They will escort the addict to a rehab facility. Often works better using a third person who is experienced with this. All costs though as has to be done privately.
Do t listen to any of the pistes saying take it away and punish him. He's not being naughty. His brain is not working properly.

Lazymum99 so grateful for your post because even though I'm no professional it's so obvious to me it's an addiction like any other- but people don't seem to get that in real life. I have taken it away though. I just couldn't let him carry on after 2 weeks solid over half term. I've taken it away but given him as many cuddles as I can. I know- he needs help not cuddles. Who are these people who act as intervention specialists??

Sorry about all the typos I was in a hurry. Although Kurds and pistes are quite funny!
Google addiction intervention and it will explain. Has he been ok since you took it away?

Have googled intervention and just the first two lines were enough to bring on an anxiety attack! But something to keep in mind. He's been difficult but ok; it's the weekend I'm worried about when he can see I won't budge and he refuses to be occupied with anything else. I have an appointment with the youth section of police for advice in case he becomes aggressive/violent.