Ashamed but about to give up on ds 15

[HormonalHeap]

Today 14:04 HormonalHeap

Ds 15 has a severe gaming addiction. About to get chucked out of school and kicked dh (his stepdad) in the stomach this morning before trying to throw him down the stairs. His violence has escalated and happens whenever we try and restrict his gaming. He will not see anyone to get help as he thinks the object is to restrict his gaming- the only thing he lives for. Dh and I had an hour with a psychologist who explained to us why this has happened and how he uses it as a means of escape from problems, but without him seeing anyone he can't be helped. I'm terrified that at 15 this is my last chance to stop him beating up some poor woman as an adult and ending up behind bars. Has anyone been through similar or have any experience of addiction in adolescents?

Oh, I'm useless. I totally misread the first link (gamanon) and thought it was about gaming. Sorry, long day. Will try harder.

How did he get to this stage?

What would happen if you asked him to leave?

Right. This seems more like it: www.recovery.org/topics/about-the-online-gamers-anonymous-12-step-recovery-program/

Dreaming have pm'd uou. Also checking out your link above. Thank you.

This isn't a child you are dealing with so to those posters who say throw away the computer, it simply too late for that.

A hormonal 15 year old won't necessarily look at this logically. You need serious professional help not just vague advice and your son needs to be engaged with this.

If he wont engage, then I would give him the choice that if he doesnt there will be no gaming

Unfortunately I've come a cropper on their first step to recovery.. honesty & acceptance. Very hard if the person involved refuses to accept! I have come to the conclusion that a residential programme may be the only option.

Minimalist the doctor we saw thinks he got to this stage as he was falling behind in school due to bad handwriting. Always like gaming (as do many boys) but a gradual decline in other interests over the last couple of years. Where exactly would I ask him to leave to, he's 15?

I think I would be inclined to limit Internet access to a low level, say an hour at a time, three times a day, and tell him that when he was able to play games and no other times. I would not, in any circumstances veer from this and I would tell him why. I would also be telling him how much I love him, and trying whatever way I could to 'reach' the little boy he once was.

If he argues, use the broken record technique-don't get sucked in, simply repeat the reasons for limiting Internet access and keep on telling him that you're doing this because you love him and want to help him.

I feel for you, OP. This is a terrible thing to see happen to your son.

Merrygoround thank you wise words, he won't engage so assuming the psychologist gives me permission tomorrow I think we may have to do that. Dreading the trauma for my other children with police here but can see I don't have a choice. He has once taken a knife and locked himself in his bathroom- all par for the course I'm sure, but nonetheless scary.

Amistillsexy thanks, we have long tried limiting his access to games, it is physically impossible as he hides them and becomes violent

Hormonal. You absolutely need some serious help here. He must engage with services or you need to consider that he has to be forced to do so.

I should add a friend did this with her son (manic episode brought on by drug use)

They had him committed to straighten him out (he was being abusive and threatening to his parents who were genuinely scared) However the relationship never recovered.

If there was any other way of trying to engage him without these sort of interventions, you need to try.

Please DO NOT LISTEN to most of these replies.

Why would you listen to a load of anonymous people on the internet, with no qualifications or real insight into your family - AND ignore what you have been told by a qualified professional????

What other advice has the psychologist given you?

Things I would try are: ensuring he eats and drinks, maybe moving his computer to a public space so he has to leave his room, talking to him calmly whenever possible.
You can restrict internet access.
Try to encourage him to leave the house (even if to go and buy himself junk food).
Try to get him to see someone himself.

Is he still attending school? Is it a state school? They cannot just "chuck him out" if it is, but need to provide him with a managed move. If it is private then contact your LA, and get put through to someone who deals with cases like your son - ask about the NEETs team if necessary.

Those boot camp programmes will do no good and may totally wreck your relationship with your son.

His addiction is likely to result from trying to cope with underlying problems, rather than be the cause in itself.

Mummytime is correct. You need to engage professionals and act on their recommendations now.

I'm presuming he's at an independent school. I also suspect he would rather stay there than move to the local school.

I would tell him he sees the psychologist or you will restrict internet access and look at seriously look at sending him to a state school. I suspect he has other issues which have lead to the addiction and then to the violence, all which require expert professional help and won't be fixed over night by taking away his computer.

Op, we have been a little down the road that you are down with ds 17yrs. I agree with others that you can not take the computer away from him entirely. What we did was to put the PC that ds gamed on in a lockable space and had a laptop for school work. School work had to be completed before access could be gained to pc. We put in place strict rules about coming off PC by set time on school nights, breaching this would result in loss of access.

This might not be the right way to do it and our ds was physically aggressive but was verbally aggressive towards myself and dh. It was horrendous when we first initiated this, we hadn't fully realised how addicted ds had become.

Without these measures ds would have failed his GCSEs, even though he could see it was impacting on his school work he was unable to stop gaming without the measures I have described above.

Don't give and don't be ashamed this is a really hard place to be.

Yes I wondered about underlaying problems too. You mentioned struggling with writing. Does he have a statement of any kind? Is he also smoking dope? The boys I worked with were caught up in non stop gaming and dope smoking all afternoon/night, resulting in daytime sleeping and struggling to cope with early school starts/commitment.

I know he's 15. I've known of a few 15 year olds who have been chucked out.

I guess the withdrawal has to be very measured and slow.

Has he any friends who game?

Mummytime of course I will seek professional advice and I'm not taking advice here as gospel but am so grateful and well yes blown away that you 'anonymous' people have taken the trouble to help me, a stranger. Re-enforces faith in humanity.

If I have him committed/boot camp I am seriously worried that will end what was the closest, most loving relationship and he will never have another mother. Lynette yes he's at a leading independent school, I've told him he'll be chucked out but hey, long as gaming's not restricted so what?

Idefix can i ask in which year you began dealing with it, if year 11 must've been the beginning? What's his attitude to gaming now, does he self-regulate? iPhones in house are connected to all tv's here (ds doesn't have one in his room just Xbox console). Happy to cancel his contract but he has actually been to a couple of parties recently which I was ecstatic about, and removing hat would be removing him from contact with his school community. Minimalis his 'friends' are all online. Gaming takes the place of relationships.

My 15yo only seems to play games & has minimal other life or ambitons, also difficult about going to school. But not violent about it, I guess I'm grateful I'm not where you are OP.

I wouldn't say DS is an addict, but he has backed himself into a corner where he doesn't aspire to do anything else (argh).

I'm not offering advice but happy to listen.

Do you think he has an addictive nature OP? I'm just wondering (although I have no idea really) if one addiction can give way to another addiction? Bit like a heavy user who starts exercising and gets hooked on sport.

Ragged you say he's not violent but have you tried removing his consoles? I know use of the word 'addicted' is used liberally, the doctor/professor we saw last week told me some addicts actually pee in their pants whilst gaming. Be careful as I could have written what you wrote six months ago, it's a slippery slope.

Minimalist yes he 100% has an addictive nature, inherited from his father (my ex). Ds has no interest in weed or alcohol- he has his drug.

have removed, when he's stuck in bed (hard to explain, he's got a bed it's easy to be stuck in!). Removed when he is truant, he knows that will happen & still doesn't do things like you've described. Also no 'Net access some days.

Can get fiercely angry to some extent linked to consoles, mostly because I won't help him purchase certain games, but he's not violent in his protests about that. It hasn't got worse or better for yrs now.

My worry is what happens after yr11. DS seems to have No Plans at all. :(

I really feel for you op.

It is possible that the relationships he has will have to suffer in the short term if he is to make any recovery. At the moment, in all honesty, his only relationship is with the gaming console so that it what needs to shift.

He is unwell and it will take a long time to resolve. It will feel like nothing is changing and at points nothing will. But you have to trust the expert in this. Does she specify how to reduce? What about a gradual withdrawal? Reducing gaming time by literally minutes a day? Tiny step by tiny step.

He is 15 with a whole life ahead of him to make up for education. Right now your focus needs to be on his health. It is a real shame you can't even get moral support from the school.

I have read somewhere that there are games that you have to play all the time, otherwise you lose points or your place etc. - this seems like madness!!! Forces kids to play. What games is he playing? Can you take any away that are the issue?

We did leave it till yr 11 before we realised what a problem it was becoming. I guess we had a little bit of a head in the sands approach and we are generally relaxed in our parenting approach.

General pattern was come home from school straight on to PC (online strategy military game) would surface to eat and play till we said bedtime. By year 11 this was impacting on school (attitude and grades), attitude towards us. Over the summer holidays between yr 10 and 11 ds son had started playing through the night. At the beginning of yr 11 this continued without us being aware. We only discovered this accidentally one night when I had got up with a sick dog.

It was horrible and unpleasant putting change into action but I could just see him failing his exams, ds could not see this at all, only now accepts it was becoming a big problem.

At first we were subjected to really horrendous tantrum like behaviour which stepped up yo being very aggressive verbally and lot of door slamming, stomping arround and stonewalling us. This is when it really struck home how addicted ds had become and this was a shock.

Ds still games a lot, it aside from one evening club he attends his only hobbies. generally has never been very sociable in terms of going out, is not sporty in anyway. We live in a tiny community (very socially isolated, ds largest class in school has 7 other students.).

I think now we have broken the cycle is doesn't cause him anguish to not play nonstop. We can now say lets go out for the day and ds joins us, he will also come to gym, shops etc.

I think as others have said it is important to find what motivates your ds addiction. For our ds it was a combination of boredom and a need for distraction, stress reliever. Ds recently watch all episodes of House, this may sound a little odd but we were ecstatic, this really was a sign of a complete sea change.

Ds is also now doing well in a levels - doing what he enjoys rather than subjects he felt he had no choice about.

Sorry for such a long post.