How do I parent a child with a different reality?

[YouAreMyRain]

DD is 8. Lots of issues over the last couple of years (including an attempt to kill herself when she was 6). She struggles with distinguishing reality from fantasy and her psychotherapist has said that her reality shifts so it is not fixed. So basically one minute she believes something happened, then she doesn't.

As she has no diagnosis yet (poss ASD at the least) Camhs seem unable to suggest any parenting strategies for me to use.

I feel completely out of my depth. All my social interactions are based on the assumption that we have a shared reality. How do I begin to parent a child like this?

Me:"DD please don't do that"
DD:"I didn't" (possibly believes it)
Me:"erm..."

Or

DD: "you said X"
Me: "I didn't say X, I said Y"
DD: "you DID say X!"
Me: "erm..."

I have every sympathy for your situation - it must be very difficult not knowing which direction to go in. My partner has Asperger's syndrome and I am neuro-typical - so I entirely understand what you are saying about differences in the way things are processed/communicated. Most social relationships are based on a common set of beliefs/ideas and these simply do not apply when your child is unique. Please feel re-assured that there are many parents out there with similar challenges and that with time (and support) they do find a way to cater for their children. You sound like you have the determination to do it.

Hopefully; once Camhs have assessed her in its entirity - they should be able to give you some pointers. This sounds like it could a dual diagnosis - which usually takes longer (as in - she may have ASD but also something else alongside). Dual diagnoses usually take longer because Camhs may need to work out the interplay between the two conditions.

If you strongly suspect ASD there are many organisations out there that can help you with understanding that aspect now. Just type autism into a search engine. Many will be able to give you parenting tips and care considerations.

To parent you may have to decide what are priorities - and what you will accept, not accept and what is up for negotiation. Because her world is based very much on interpretation it would be interesting to find out why she believes/does the things she does. Its a frustrating fact - but to get the best out of her you may need to try to put yourself in her shoes for at least part of the week. It is only then that you will be able to find the words to get the best out of her. This can be a very demanding process and hopefully Camhs will help you with what's entailed.

From her point of view - it must be very frightening when reality keeps shifting and her version of the world (in black and white) is not matched by other people's perceptions. People with ASD do tend to take things very literally - so there is plenty of discussion on word choice/facts in our house.

This could be a fantastic opportunity to create a really special relationship. I am not saying that it won't be hard - it will be enormously so. I believe that my partner was a gift to me - not many people understand how we relate together unless they have some 'insider' perspective. Maybe your DD has plenty to share too. I hope that you can get the support you need soon.

One small thing that might help is focusing on what you want her to do, not what she has done.

I agree with Girlinaswirl - it must be quite frightening. So it might be reassuring to use statements that label whats going on and talk about solving the problem. Something like 'I think x and you think y'. Thats ok. If it causes a problem, maybe statements like: lets try and solve the problem together. But only if you think if this amount of language wouldnt confuse her - it can be difficult for some children.

Also a little diary or visual record of important things that you could do together?

Thanks for the replies. I think the focussing on the present/future instead of the past will be helpful. I just wish I could talk to other parents in a similar situation.

I read somewhere that schizophrenia is really on the same spectrum of difficulties as ASD and involves this type of shifting reality due (in part) to severe working memory difficulties.

Not suggesting DD is shchizophrenic, just that maybe reading up on therapies/ early interventions used with young schizophrenics would help?

That theory is pretty discredited CharlesRyder, and I would be cautious about using any of those approaches you refer to without professional advice.

Youaremyrain-have you asked at CAMHS about whether they can put you in touch with any other families?

Is it nomore? It is several years since I read any papers so I'm not surprised I'm out of date!

Maybe simple things like using visuals (widget ect) to record decisions as they are made so they can be referred back to- like a communication board with 'lunch' 'yes' 'park' 'yes' etc- would help. Cutting the need for relying on memory.

Oops I see you already suggested visuals. I'll get me coat ;-)

The whole you sad X, no I said Y thing I have with my DD (10) because she doesn't have full hearing. If it is something really important I have asked her to do I make sure she is concentrating fully on me and then ask her to repeat back to me what I have said. It doesn't always work, but it helps.

This is a constant problem with DS1, who has ASD and ADHD. He has a whole imaginary world which obeys his rules perfectly. We picked up on this quite young and he is now accustomed to starting with "in my world" or "in my shop" which means that he can still indulge in the comforting fantasy without muddling it with real life or putting himself in a position where people think he is lying, with all the upset that can cause.

The denial of events is a really difficult one. He was in an incident at school, the other day (not his fault) and when I asked him about it, after talking to his CT, he completely denied that it happened to him and insisted that it was someone else. I gently reminded him that I know that it happened and other people know that it happened. Later on, I related the incident to DH, while we were all sat together and he was less evasive and a lot more matter of fact.

When it comes to things that he's done, sometimes talking about the event in the abstract sidesteps the dissociation. He stamped on a kid's head, in anger, a couple of years ago. Of course, he completely denied that it was him. It happened to coincide with a story in the news about a footballer who had done this (not copied behaviour, DS1 hates football) so our conversation was about what the footballer did and why it was wrong.

Similarly, he finds it hard to control his impulses around bottles of stuff eg shampoo or poster paint. Instead of "don't tip it out" we need to say "please make sure that no one tips it out".

Ouryve - some of that is very similar to DD1. Instead of "in my world" sometimes she says "it was a dream".

I like the idea of "make sure no one does X" etc because she would take that responsibility quite seriously and it could help her to control her impulses (hopefully!).

I have started using social stories with her today and that had a positive affect.