DD self harming

[melanie1970]

Hi
My 12 y.o DD has been emotional and difficult for a couple of months - staying in her room all the time, not really interacting with the rest of the family but I put it down to hormones and general teenage behaviour. Last week however when cleaning her pit of a bedroom I found her diary. I know I shouldn't of but I read it and discovered that she has been self harming for a couple of months and is extremely depressed, talking about how there is no point in being here, nobody cares etc
I told her I had noticed the marks on her arms ( didn't confess my nosiness) and she admitted what she had been doing , said she doesn't know why but wouldn't talk to me any more about it. She has however agreed to see a counsellor.
Apart from feeling like the worst mother in the world and struggling to understand why and what has bought her to this point , I just don't know what to do ! She is on a waiting list with a local youth counselling service and they expect to see her in a couple of weeks but I am so scared in the meantime. Everytime she closes her bedroom door or goes in the bathroom I panic about what she is doing but I know that isn't helpful to her at all. She gets on fine at school, has a good group of friends and seemed to be absolutely fine. We have had some stress at home as her 9y.o sister has been suffering from anxiety disorder for the last 10 months and I now feel overwhelmed with guilt that I have been neglecting her.
Just wondered if anyone else has been in this position and had any advice on how to handle it, my confidence in my parenting abilities is at an all time low so I really don't know what to do for the best !

It sounds to me you are doing the right thing. Just offer her an ear or a shoulder, don't pressure her into talking which you haven't but just thought I'd say it.

Do you know how she is self harming? (with what?) I'm not entirely sure but if you get desperate or need any advice I'm sure Social Services can help, you could also get her booked into the doctors and they might be able to give a referral which would mean less waiting time.

I know self harming can offer a release, can cause pain which you are in control of, it can be for attention (Please help me attention). You need to try and get it knocked on the head before it gets too bad. Is there anyone at the school she trusts who she could talk to as well?

Hi, I knew a friends DD that self harmed- she gave her an elastic band to put on her wrist and use that when ever she felt like it. It didnt stop it immediately, but it helped as a coping mechanism for it.

That's a good idea. They snap it don't they when they feel the need?

Its positive she will talk with you and has told you she will see a counsellor. Please try not to feel guilty (I know its hard), and stay calm and consistent in front of her. She is probably telling you the truth not knowing why she is self harming, there can be many reasons and she will need some professional support to start to talk and find other coping mechanisms and to understand her stressors s . this might help www.nshn.co.uk/friends.html or young minds website
As she is young (my DD was nearly 15) I suggest you do go to the GP and ask for a referral to camhs, and her age will hopefully speed up an appointment . I think you should also speak to her school, and find out how she is coping there, and just ask them to keep an eye on her. Is your other daughter already being seen by camhs ? IMO its important she sees specialist adolescent psychotherapists for assessment before deciding on counselling/support. In the meantime, ask her what relaxes her, suggest(without mentioning you have seen her diary) that it can help to write down her thoughts, and talk through hygeine. tell her you love her and together you going find a way to help her feel stronger. She may need therapy before she feels able to use other coping strategies like the bands. Above all, look after your self - you may consider a visit to the GP for some CBT support yourself if both DDs are struggling. I found it helpful.

Thanks so much everyone for your suggestions.
Anthropology , my other daughter sees a camhs psychologist on a weekly basis and also hospital based psychiatrist team every month. I think I will see my go about myself as I know that my not coping with all this is the last thing the children need - I don't want to add guilt to all the other problems !

hopefully camhs will step in and support her in that case, and maybe ask them for some family therapy alongside all the rest. I found camhs sometimes made me feel worse as they tried to diagnose, so having support separately gave me a place to not lose perspective. Try not to be too hard on yourself too, doing something you enjoy, however small, is really important in the midst of this.

STEM4 are brilliant and actually have a partnership with Mumsnet now. I highly recommend them.

Since I originally posted , dd has seemed a bit happier I wondered if actually being found out was a relief. However today she came to me with a cut on her arm that was bleeding quite badly, nothing major really but she really frightened herself. She claimed she was never going to do it again but who knows. The only good thing was that she came to me and asked me for help which I hoping is a good step - or am I being naive ?

The ChildLine website is a really good resource both for children and for their parents/carers. It has a lot of information about self harm and some good distraction techniques. And their counsellors are there all day every day to speak to children.