Depressed and isolated 16 yo DD needs friend

[WalkingintheSunshine]

I have 16yo DD who has plunged into depths of despair since September.

She's always been calm, mature and self assured but doesn't like change. Since September, the importance of the year started stressing her out which has had a knock on effect on so many other issues leading to an overdose in January.

She did school part time and we've reduced her gcse exam subjects but now her friends have drifted away so she feels totally isolated. DD has always needed a best friend and now no one is there for her. She does her best to be happy at school trying to fit in with her best friends who tolerate her but don't try to include her in activities.

She does little revision and I always seem to be suggesting it so am on her back etc but I can only see finishing school and starting new course can help her fight the depression. Failing gcses will surely plunge her further into the bleakness.

She has body image issues too. She's very active so has a great shape but she's not the slim sylph-like body she may desire. She is strong and sturdy.

Her dad and I separated a few years ago, amicably, but due to his depression (I believe). He all but lost any real contact initially and now only drops in drops out lightheartedly and not for any length of time. She wants him back and that is causing her massive upset too.

I desperately want to put her world right again but feel so helpless.

Anyone out there offer me any nugget of help please?

What does her therapist say? Quite often teens will speak to anyone other than a parent, so the therapist might have more luck in talking things through with her? Does she still see camhs?

Yes she sees CAMHs but doesn't believe much comes from it. The way DD sees it is that she's alone and no professional can provide the friendship she craves. I think she now sees her dad as an answer but worry that he is going to fall way short because if his own personal issues.

She enjoys the gym and has struck up a good friendship (budding) with a girl there - same year same school. But she still has to stick in her group at school to avoid bitchiness!

Any hobbies she could lean on for a bit? Preferably that get her out of the house to spread her social circle? So hard for girls of this age even without the break-up etc. what about a young-ish tutor to bring her confidence up about her school work?
Is her dad still local, or just too flaky to rely on for anything?

She's sporty and still puts on a good face doing her sporty activities. They are good for her.

Her counsellor says she still comes across very personable and isn't a typical depressive.

Her dad is very local but he is tied up in his own issues still. As soon as things get heavy, he's off. We see him when he wants to see us and then it's breezing in, breezing out - not for any length of definite quality time with his kids.

The older DD has a better relationship with her dad in as much as she's more open and nowhere near as complicated as her sibling.

I think the gym and other hobbies are good ideas.
Once the summer hols are here maybe a volunteering job a few hours a week something she is interested in working with animals, sports organisation etc or a part time paid job something to give her a little confidence boost and meet new people at the same time.
Will she be staying on at that same college after exams OP if not maybe get her excited about the new college she's going to- what groups they have on sports clubs etcx focus her mind on getting excited for the future.
Nothing more to add except - you sound like a lovely mum x

No - new college new mates new start - if we can get there!

I'm hoping once the exams are over she can relax a bit and spend time with friends who actually want her. I'd also love her to get a part time job for the freedom the money can bring as well as the social aspect with new work colleagues.

Trouble is the here and now - and another sleepless night and another day off school (and work for me). Each day as it comes hey but it's desperate!

I've now texted her dad (during the sleepless night) and spelt out that she needs to have the father/daughter relationship back in her life asking him to put in the time and effort to rebuild it. Will he put the time and effort in?? - I don't know!!

Thank you for your kind comment too. - very much appreciated x

I feel for you - it's a horrible situation.

My DD1 started to suffer from terrible depression and panic attacks at about 14. She dropped out of school at 15 and like yours was very lonely and unhappy.

I'd definitely recommend volunteering (or a job) to get her involved in something new - that was a huge help to my girl and eventually led to the training scheme which she's loving, aged 17 now and like a different person. She is also on anti-depressants, so that's obviously got something to do with it too!

She says too that what helped more than anything was just the amount of time I spent with her, just chatting, being there. At the time, it didn't feel like it was getting anywhere, and I remember so well that feeling of 'Each day as it comes - but for how long?' but it seems it was doing more than I realised.

The only thing I wonder about is the GCSEs. What are her chances of getting good enough grades to go onto 6th form? Because if she's got a reasonable chance of getting in even if she doesn't achieve the grades she's really capable of, perhaps you could take the pressure off a bit?

Thanks - we are close and do spend a lot of time together walking dog, watching TV, chatting etc.

She's always been a good student doing her work and not causing trouble. She's predicted good grades so I'm hoping she can still get through them. Her next course is btec so all coursework no exams and she's quite determined that is her future.

I think she'll look for a part time job because her sister has one and she sees the benefits. She's looking forward to driving - and university!

Last summer DD was in the thick of her friends and full of confidence and happiness. So much has changed.

Not that I'm wishing our time away but I'm definitely looking forward to moving through this phase and getting back to a happy team again, like you have again with your DD.

I think you are both doing very well if the OD was in January, given she is taking her GCSES. Many teens (including my DD) ended up taking a couple of gcses, and then going back a year at a new school. It did mean she could take things slowly and pressure was off while she recovered and ultimately wasnt as difficult as we feared. Hopefully after exams, some of the stress will be lifted.

Most kids will be heads down and have study leave and being at school may remind her more of what she is missing from her old life. I agree with a new college as my DD tried to return to her old school after being in hospital and it was a disaster. I think it was parents fear that depression was contagious more than the girls themselves - there is still a lot of stigma sadly and schools often dont have the expertise to help other teens understand.

if Dad is unreliable, maybe chat to her therapist too, as they might recommend his involvement in therapy.

My dd got involved in charity campaigning for mental health, which helped her both with self esteem and I spent a lot of time with her, baking, being there as Mrs bodger says. A bit of sun and sea helped too. Constantly looking to and planning a new future was important and gradually she grew stronger, appreciating what she was good at more than her vulnerabilities.

She made new friends at college, won awards for her charity work, and is now off to the uni of her choice. best of luck to both of you.

Thanks all - we've had a brighter day again. ExH came round and had a good chat (not heart to heart though) with DD. They are off out for tea together later in week. I've told him she needs a proper father/daughter relationship so he needs to up his game with her. She's at gym again tonight with gym buddy and that rallies her spirits too.

I know it's just one day at a time but the lows are just heartbreaking. I do try not to soar when the good days happen but I do still drop on the bad days.

Fingers crossed for sleep tonight. Thanks again everyone x

Just want to sympathise on the GCSE stuff. My dd has just turned 16, approaching exams, has depression alongside health issues, self harms, has fallen out with most friends, won't revise. She still has a French controlled assessment outstanding, but won't put in the work to learn it. I know that we will go through hell (again) when she tries to learn it at the last minute and can't - and this is the last chance. What a shame when she has ABB for the first 3 assessments. She was originally predicted As, but now, as you say, I'll just be grateful if she gets enough 'passes' to see her through to college or 6th form. Failure to do so would just compound the self esteem issues. She seemed set on doing a Btec at college, but now talks more about A levels - I think she has cold feet about meeting a new set of people at college although she would be better suited to style of Btec. Roll on the summer when hopefully we can all relax.

In the meantime we're awaiting a psychologist appointment from camhs as her health has deteriorated over last couple of months and after 2 overdoses in last 6 months she has threatened to do the same again. I believe it is time for AD medication and the camhs nurse will be pushing for the same. Our family is being torn apart. It is so hard for our younger DS to understand DDs dark moods and her anger at life. I seem to spend my life trying to smooth things over, taking DD out for coffee, shopping, anything I can get her to do! She has a couple of hobbies to get her out of the house, but even these are a struggle at the moment.

Take care everyone xx

Depending where you are there are motorcycle ministries and social clubs that are out to help if needed. All over the world we are often seen as big burly and obnoxious. Yet we have a code of ethics that aim to protect the family unit. We often ride anywhere and watch each others backs. (M.A.C.E) Motorcyclist advocating child empowerment are around the world and there's a chapter in Victoria always willing to uplift our young. I ride for the road riders for Jesus motorcycle ministry on the Sunshine Coast and there are many between here and northern NSW or Perth. I myself am very social but a quiet personality. Often a biker has dealt with deep dark pasts that hurt many people's emotions and so can relate to emotional trauma. If any of us no matter our so called patches can help, please for our children's sake lets stand and help before its to late. I've nearly lost family to suicide and wold not wish this on any parent or loved one.

Just wondering how you're getting on? I'm in a very similar position to you and was wondering last month how we were ever going to get through it but things seem to be picking up a little bit now. If you want to PM me we could swap strategies if you like.

Hi. Sorry not logged on because of the password issues and my notifications are turned off.

We're still taking each day as it c

Hi. Sorry not logged on because of the password issues and my notifications are turned off.

We're still taking each day as it comes. Sometimes I see real progress but then we get knocked back to deep depression again. If only her friends hadn't deserted her and had supported her through, it would be such a different kettle of fish!

DD tried medication but came off at earliest opportunity. This empowered her. The medication was at minimal level and DD said it depressed her every morning taking it setting her apart. I was really worried but believe it was the right decision now.

She's now ditched her 'friends' and is trying to build new friendships but tonight we've had tears asking why should she be 16 and have no friends. She hates surviving each day and just wants to be back in the crowd again. There's nothing I can do and I hate it.

I've suggested that most 16 yos will have anxieties but she says they are not her and no one else's problems are helping her.

Still limping towards gcses and end of school. I think DD has such inner strength getting through each day. The gym buddy is a much better friend now but her family have serious health illnesses they are dealing with so the friendship can't blossom naturally.

I hope both of your situations are still progressing. It's a comfort to be knowing we're not alone but DD isolated in her own despair to take that comfort from others.

I think it's a long road with plenty of setbacks ahead - yes let's stay in touch - but no idea how to PM cos I'm new to mums net through my desperation. Thanks x

Hi I've been through the same with my daughter GCSEs boyfriend break up friends ditching her and prom at the same time last year she started self harming writing suicide letters to us all stemming from bullying we are still waiting for help she is on tablets now and seems OK for now but I keep wondering when its all going to go wrong again but when she started collage things started to get better

Hi ...

Middle of exams!! DD has her head around it and is managing a little study each day believing they are still attainable. She's pleased to have finished school.

She's just so strong inside. I know she feels alone and I think she's hardened herself to 'not needing anyone'. She's created new friendships although I don't think they have the depth of total trust and reliability yet.

The extended family are a godsend. We walk daily together and other family members. Older sibling has really helped too.

We have bad times and unreasonable demands. I'm hoping they become less during coming months. We also have more relaxed smiles and daily happiness (or at least happy face!). I want to believe life is easier for her.

She can talk to some of her old friends without 'needing' them which must be empowering but hard at the same time. I know she misses the closeness but she hates them for what they have done to her so she doesn't want the closeness with them either. She won't even pass the time of day with two of her old best friends though (neither will I!!).

I think she's chatting with others now and trying to regain her self confidence. Her gym buddy has become a good friend along with another girl who saw DD's difficulties. Thank goodness for human compassion and kindness.

I'm now hoping DD can get a part time job to give her focus in the summer holidays and run alongside college even.

She still needs me much more than she used to and will come sleep in my room when she's restless. I don't fill the void and know I fall very short of a proper peer friendship. I'm still hoping that will develop with new friends sooner rather than later - just someone to want to meet up as regularly as best mates do - not an off chance once a week call from s

Oops - not a once a week call from someone who's trying to include you alongside real group of friends ...

Goodness, don't I go on!!!!

WalkingInTheSunshine- your initial post almost exactly mirrors what my daughter is going through and my heart goes out to you.

It looks as though things are improving for your daughter and I'm reminded that things can improve.
My daughter was physically ill for a couple of years and hid her depression well, but now that the physical issue has been resolved, the depression has taken on a life of it's own. Friendless and isolated, neither of the anti-depressants she has been allowed to take have had any effect. I think that, like with anyone, if she could get a good night's sleep it would help.

Was medication ever an issue with your DD?

x