Dd been self harming...anyone hold my hand?

[justgutted]

I would be really grateful for a bit of hand holding our any words of wisdom please. I have name changed for this but am a regular mn'er.
At the weekend I discovered dd1(14) has been self harming. I saw marks on her arm and when I asked her about them she ran off crying. I went and talked with her and she told me lots. She says it has been going on for about a year on and off. She is very low, has really, really low self esteem by the sound of it. She doesn't know what triggers it but days she just feels rubbish a lot if the time. She is stressed about her first gcse she's doing at school and did put herself under a lot of pressure to do well.
I have been to gp and asked for a rehearsal to camhs.
I am just so devastated though and feel like just about the worst mother ever. I can't Berliner it had been going on for a year and I didn't know. I can't belie I have fine such a bad job of helping her develop good self esteem and confidence and happiness. We have a large family and I work (financial necessity) and I am always busy, tired and stressed and clearly I have badly neglected dd1. I am being positive in front of dd1 but inside I feel as if nothing well ever be quite right in my world again. My dc are my world and all I ever wanted to do with my life was be a good mum and I have failed so badly.
Any tips on how to stay strong for Dr. I have no one I can talk to about this and just do want to make things right for my gorgeous beautiful dd.

Please don't feel like a bad Mother. I had the best parents in the world and still had depression as a teen....when the shit hit the fan at this age, my parents just lavished me with attention and love. They took me shopping, they praised me...they let me give up my awful Saturday job.....it sounds trite but those things helped me massively. Kids are quite basic really...even the complex ones! With your love and your attention and lots of time spent with you she will be ok.x

I think you are doing the only things you can do by taking her to the doctor and talking to her. I think it is normal for teenagers to hide things especially when they are struggling so often these things do go unnoticed for a while so try not to beat yourself up too much. She has spoken to you now so all you can do is support her by getting professional help. From experience with a close family member, going to the doctors and counselling is not going to be easy for her due to the stigma but she needs to be encouraged not to give up. She needs to feel safe and may not want people to know about it. I think that was a challenge faced by my family members parents - do we tell the school or not. Not an easy one to decide on.

You need to not think too much about whether you have failed her as that will not help her get better. I think there are some support services for families but I can't remember the name so perhaps ask the Doctor as it does help to have someone to talk to. For you and for your other children too - don't forget about them at this time as they may feel upset too.

On a really trivial point, is she worried about the scars? The best thing to minimise them is bio oil according to my family member. Years later, now she is good, her scars are her main issue as she doesn't want people seeing them so has to cover up all the time, can't take her daughter swimming etc. She wishes she had tried to help them heal better but to be fair, she wouldn't have been interested at the time.

thanks kate and maureen I appreciate your replies.
I took her shopping on Saturday and have booked something nice to do with her next Saturday - I'm glad to hear these sorts of things can help as they sort of seemed a bit trivial.
I was going to get her some bio oil - thanks for reminding me. I think so far the marks on her arms are superficial enough to heal OK. She says she has more on her legs but I haven't seen those. I do also worry that years down the line she will be bothered by the scars.
I will look into finding a support group as I need to make sure my own feelings don't impact on her at all.

apologies for typos in original post - blame my phone!

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I can understand how it must be a really worrying time.

Teenage years are very difficult to get through, even with a perfect upbringing. So try not to blame yourself. It sounds like you're doing all the right things.

I self harmed from about 17 to 25. It was a difficult time. My parents never knew. Now I'm in my 30s I'm happy, healthy and successful in my career. I have a few scars but none that anyone would notice/question. Try to think of it as a very difficult phase in your lives that you will get through, rather than something that defines your DD or your relationship with her.

You are doing everything right, and staying calm and positive with your DD so please give yourself credit . I know what this guilt feels like, but I can assure you with hindsight, that guilt doesnt help. There are many, many reasons she may not be coping, and you have taken the right step to find out and assure her you love her whatever is going on. Young Minds, website has a useful section for parents in how to talk about self harm. Im afraid I have never come across a parents support group in the UK and there is scant support for families (but there are lots of mums on here who have been through it. ) You can try and ask camhs for family therapy post referral. Its good she is talking to you and she is probably telling the truth, when she says she doesnt know why and therapy will help her sort that out. Someone mentioned stigma of counselling - its important she knows many other young people struggle at this time, some more than others. there will be people going through it in her school too , As a parent you should absolutely 100 per cent tell the school and get support from every quarter, especially with exams. Most schools have experience of this and I have found my DDs peers more accepting than adults quite often. For you, if you need to , go to your GP and ask for some CBT therapy which I found helpful for strength. Most young people with the right help and support and some patience, really do get through these challenging times - although it often takes more time than you would wish . push camhs for a referral (mention the exams), and take a deep breath. Your world may look a different at the moment, but you are a good parent, as you obviously care - for us my DD had a very difficult time and it took over 2 years to help her get stronger, but my DD is an incredible young woman , now on her way to Uni...good luck.

thanks chris and anthrapology Im sorry you both have experience of this in different ways but it is good to hear form others that have got though it.
CAMHS rang this evening to say they had got the referral and would be sending out appointment. They were really ringing I think to check levels of risk and how urgently she needed to be seen, but at least I know they have the referral.
I have got dd a mindfulnes type relaxation cd that she says is helpful and we she is still talking to me lots which is good.
Just trying to take each day as it comes...

Stay strong and be kind to yourself. And try not to look at the self harming as totally negative-which sounds mad, I know! My 19 year old DD self harms-and when I discovered it I made her promise me that she'd stop. It drove her to take an OD! Thankfully after 2nights in hospital she was fine-physically at least! She didn't take the OD to "punish" me but harming was her coping strategy and that had been removed when I made her promise she wouldn't do it.
It's not easy-my handbag is like a toolbox because I've tried to remove any sharp thing as I find it-but it's pointless!! She can make seemingly harmless things "sharp"! Stay strong. Stay connected to your DD. You're not alone.

Another mum here supporting a teenage daughter who self harms. Please don't blame yourself. These things happen even to the very best mums. Now your job is to go on being the wonderful mum I'm sure you've always been to help her get through this difficult period. And it sounds to me like you're doing exactly that - listening to her, believing her, getting medical help, making time for her.

Don't forget to look after yourself as well - you need to be as strong as you can for her. For me that has meant not taking on too much and spending some time with friends who understand to release the strain.

thanks for those last 2 replies. Still struggling on here, GP has referred to CAMHS. DD having a bad day yesterday/today and has harmed again I think. I hate seeing her so sad and not being able to help much. Resorted to taking her out for coffee again this afternoon - will have to start budgeting a monthly allowance for starbucks trips!!

Thinking of you. We're going through the same. It's heartbreaking to see the pain. Understand the monthly budget issue too! If it's not coffee, it's pizza. If it's not pizza, it's shopping.... Anything to get us out of the house.

Take care x