What do I do???

[Dooohhh]

My dd hasn't been right for a while and I often find her in her room crying and she won't tell me what's up, which is heartbreaking. Anyway, I was snooping on dd's school iPad and found this:

I wrote down how I feel as I can't work out how to say it.

I am 1 person out of 7 000 000 000 people. I have no power to make any kind of positive impact on the world. No one person can change anything for the better. I definitely can't. I don't understand how people can just 'live'. It's like there is no purpose to life.
So then I think 'ok, so just have fun with your life', but I'm not that kind of person. I'm just that shy, ugly, massive, disgustingly fat girl who stands out entirely. I'm not that confident person who will start a conversation. I'm that awkward person who will stutter for ages if you ask me for directions to the next street.
'Ok, so let's just be wreck less and not care what anybody thinks'. Firstly, everyone cares what people think. Secondly, if I was that wreck less person, I just feel like I would be letting everyone down. I don't go to Channing so I can be wreck less and be stupid and not care.
So what is my purpose? Who will I actually have an impact on? Who can I actually help? No one. So what's the point? Because all I am doing is waiting to die anyway. All I'm doing is dying. I just can't see the point anymore.
I've felt like this for about 6 months, I was really bad over the summer, and then when school started again I thought I could get it under control again. But then this weekend it's all been coming back. The feelings. The voices telling me I'm not good enough. So I tried writing it down as for some stupid reason I can't actually speak. Cos that's me. I'm not 'really good' at anything. And me trying to speak just makes more people even more unhappy, which is what I can't take.
I hate myself for feeling like this. I feel like a failure. And like I've let everyone down. I don't want to cause trouble, or difficulties with your jobs, which is mostly why I haven't told you until now. But I know that I need to stop these feelings because I would do almost anything not to feel like I did ever again.
I'm sending you this while you're at work because I hate confrontation especially with you, and because I want you to think it over and not just tell me I'm being stupid, or to stop making a fuss or that you have bigger things to worry about, though I know you do.
I feel shitty for feeling like this and for making your life even harder so I don't really know if I'm going to send this, at least not yet.

I'm sorry.

What do I do?? I just have no idea where to start! Sorry for the length!
Any advice would be much appreciated! Thanks!

Oh doo how awful for your dd and you.

I've no advice per se but its obvious she's depressed. Would she see a doctor? How old is she?

That's a very intense statement. She is clearly articulate and it's great that she told you, even though it wasn't face to face.

I'm sure you'll get through it together. Good luck.

She's 13, in year 8, and yes, doing A S level maths and Physics.
I think she was trying to tell me face to face but isn't really great with speaking.
She just question what a doctor or anyone will be able to do.
Thanks for the quick response!

How's it going doohh? Have you got a GP appointment?

Sounds quite similar to where we were a few months ago. We've had a tough year but things are now looking up thanks to the GP, antidepressants, CAMHS and fantastic friends. My dd has learned how to talk about how she is feeling. She accepts that her feelings of self worth are due to her illness and is starting to believe that it isn't all her fault. She's beginning to look forward to being well again.

Her GP does an amazing job of listening, praising her for telling someone, believing, caring but not being emotionally involved, advising on treatments and helping her to keep herself safe. He's been a complete hero.

Best of luck.

Also the GP was completely unshockable. He's heard it all before. Which is more than can be said for the rest of us.

Sounds like her brain is running at a million miles a hour. Go visit a good GP together.

Thanks for the responses!
Our gp is useless to be honest, but have made an appt for next week, though I think she will come, but I'm not sure if she'll talk. I talked to her about it but she just said it's how she feels the whole time and burst into tears! :(
She isn't really a 'people person' and I think she would agree with that, which makes it hard for her to explain how she is feeling. I think that as she is so far ahead academically that she gets lost socially and has always been an easy target for bullying, though I know there's none of that at her secondary school.
I also expect that as she is so good at maths and physics she thinks that no one understands her (though she does talk in maths speak 90% of the time!).
Just really straining under it all at the mo, no really sure what to do!
Xx

Oh, do tell her that there are lots of us about who speak maths - we're just very scattered. Is there any way you can help her find others in your area?

Poor her, she does sound very isolated. I really hope the GP appointment goes well.

I've looked for 'groups' in our area, tried to start them, but nobody wants to! For instance, she's always talking about p vs np and it's connection to neuro science!
Thanks! Anyone have any advice on how to cope until gp?

There's lots of research showing that exercise helps people with depression, so if you can take her out for regular walks (even if they're in complete silence) that might help a bit.

You also need to think about yourself and how to make yourself strong so you can support her. I did that by refocusing my life so I had time for her, and also making time to relax. For me that has meant missing out on some social stuff but I know I wouldn't have had the mental strength to support her otherwise.

Thank you. Yes, she already runs every morning at 7! Crazy! Though it know this is because she's worried about her weight and she also restricts her food hugely, so I am planning to speak to gp about that as well.
Tbh, I have completely no social life as I work 3 part time jobs for 6 days a week, and we are still struggling hugely. My very wealthy banker brother has always offered to help out with cash, so I think this might be one of those times I just have to except it.
Thanks for all the advice!

Don't be fobbed off when you go to your GP. You need to request a referral to CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services). It may take some time so get the ball rolling. If I was you I would talk to the School. Even if she is not causing concern there, they often have a school counsellor who is trained in talking to young people. Above all, let her know that you believe her, you really don't think she is stupid etc etc., you will do all you can to help her and that you love her. There is a website I have just discovered for my own DD www.mindfull.org/what-is-mindfull/ - has lots of info for her and online support. Also for you Young Minds is helpful and has a parents helpline.

Thanks, will make sure!

I wrote stuff just like that when I was her age.

Truth be told, some days I still agree with it.

I was very very lucky - I had a good friend who dedicated time to pulling me out of my shell and quite simply taught me to disregard other peoples opinions and be a little reckless.

That recklessness is what finally saved my life, no exaggeration.