How to cope with neice with ADHD

[ivmessedup]

Yesterday I left my brother's house in a rush. His daughter 11 has ADHD and I find it very difficult to control myself when she is mean and moderately violent to my DS aged 6. My brother and his wife seem to ignore what's going on and I just cannot understand this. I feel if she was my child I'd be much more vigilant and intervene more. I'm now feeling so so guilty. I know she can't help it but I can't shake the feeling that she can behave fine in friend's homes etc. Please help with some advice about how I deal with this. I know I'm getting it all wrong.

For your DS's sake do not leave them alone together. If you visit don't take him with you if possible. If they visit you have things for the 11 year old to do downstairs where you can keep an eye on things.

You will have to be very careful and organised as it is your DS who is being hurt.

Presumably you have spoken to your brother about what has happened? What exactly did he say?

I haven't spoken to him, I'm frightened to. I feel I am the only one who thinks this way. She has been jealous of DS since he was been born. When he was weeks old I was changing his nappy and she came over and put her hand over his nose and mouth. I was shocked. I challenged her in an age appropriate way but she blanked me. She was 5 then. My SIL keeps asking when DS can sleepover at their house. There is no way I can agree to this. One time She stayed at ours and I locked baby's bedroom door (luckily proper lock with key fitted by previous owners). How can I broach it with DB and SIL? They are all due to visit us next weekend and I am dreading it. She is always nipping and pushing DS, used to trip him when he was toddling and she thought no one looking (only I seem to see it). I feel if I try to raise it DB will become defensive and I'll offload years of these sorts of examples which is obviously not good :-(

If you can't raise it directly (and I really think you should) then you will just have to set your own boundaries in your own house
ie "No, DN, you can't push DS like that. It's not allowed in this house." Very firmly.
If your DB and DSIL comment on that then maybe say something like "I am happy to make allowances because she can't help it, but I can only make them for me, not where DS's health/safety is being compromised. I wouldn't let any other child pinch/tweak DS either, so don't take it personally. I know she doesn't mean any harm and I think you are doing a great job ....but it's my job to look after DS first and foremost and yours to look after DN. Perhaps if I give you a signal you could step in yourself instead of me having to?"

Oh OP I've been in exactly your situation - only my DN has AS and my DS has ADHD (which is a horrible combination - DN is very particular about everything, DS is very impulsive).

Please, please say something - if you don't, either your DS will get hurt or it will fester and you will end up having a massive row. Both of those things happened to us and I don't recommend them.

You need to calmly say that you don't feel that DS is safe with their DD. Say that you know that it's not her fault and that he is obviously annoying to her but that your role is to protect DS and right now that is difficult. Tell them that you all need to keep an eye on both of them and make sure they're supervised at all times.

My DN is now 13 and is much, much better with DS although I still wouldn't leave them alone together.

Thanks for your helpful comments esp Kiri since you come at it from DB's position. I am planning to speak to my mum today to see if there has been any perception that I rushed off yesterday. DB is likely to have said if he noticed. If he did notice, then perhaps this is a catalyst to me bringing it up (by way of an apology). If he didn't notice, I'll have to speak to him anyway and not during a family get together. I already do not let them play together without supervision. Thanks for saying that's the right thing to do. I was worried I was being seen as unreasonable about that ( even though no one has said anything!) you'll have gathered that my family are not good at difficult conversations! We all just tend to avoid confrontation!

My family is the same. It is hard to say some things that need saying when you don't want to upset people. I have only had to have one difficult conversation with my family and I felt dreadful afterwards. Two years later I am very glad it was said though and things have been much better since. I was not a doormat, which I could easily have been, while just simmering about things.

It sounds like you have a plan, good luck with talking to your family.

Thanks again all.

Spoke to mum today. She totally understood but DB apparently oblivious re yesterday. Mum and I have agreed to come up with a plan to cancel the visit at the weekend (tricky cos is DS bday) anyway, we have a plan which unfortunately means DB still in the dark. Mum was crying by end of call, means none of them can come and she will miss bday. She said she was crying with sympathy for DB & SIL and with worry for long term future for DN. Still feel like I have hurt her though and feeling really bad. Thought I would think it over and change my mind re bday, but now having mum's approval (even if I'm worried if she means it) I'm feeling much more confident about cancelling. Wot do you guys think?

I think it is a good start. Your DM understood where you were coming from and is supporting you, despite being upset by the situation.

I think that's a good thing to do - you need to let the dust settle and decide how you're going to play this in future. I can imagine it feels really dramatic but I ended up doing something similar and then finally telling my sister (in the row I alluded to in my earlier post) why we hadn't been to visit for such a long time.

Incidentally - I'm not really coming at it from the position of your brother. Although my DS has ADHD, he's been a victim of his cousin's fury/jealousy. I stopped visits when his cousin chucked him across the room for fiddling with one of his Lego models. Having said that, I have total sympathy (as you'd imagine) for behavioural issues that are neurological in origin but it was the way they dealt with it (glossed over/tried to hide what had happened) that made me feel that DS wasn't safe at their house. They don't deal at all well with his disability - it feels like a dirty secret and I think that's at the root of a lot of it. Is it similar with your DB?

(sorry, bit of an essay!)

Yes, everyone pretends nothing is happening and my DM says "they [the kids] just don't get on". Actually DS adores DN but is quickly upset/ hurt/ crying/ name called. It upsets me that I have to go along with pretending he is part of the problem :-(

Well I phoned DB and cancelled the family bday party. I said it was too much for DS as he has a party for friends on Sat. DB actually seemed relieved and by the end of the call we had agreed it would prob have been too much for DN as well. I feel much better now and feel as if now I'm no longer obliged to hold a stressful get together at birthday times. Thanks for your messages here, they have helped give me courage!

That sounds like a good result all round. I hope DS has a lovely birthday.

Thanks C it's all go for the friends party tomorrow. Feeling much more relaxed now that I know Sunday is off. Was also able to say to DB that DS and I will visit mum on Sunday for a short while and he was fine with that. So feel much better that mum not losing out. Xmas is the next big thing - it's at mine this year. Hoping that since DS won't be the focus like at bday that DN will not feel so jealous. Might be posting on Xmas eve!......,