Worried about anxious 9 year old ds

[Chigley1]

I'm worried sick about my 9 yr old son, just wondering if anyone has dealt with this type of thing effectively?

He's very bright, but I wouldn't say exceptionally so. He goes to a great school that is perfect for him, not too pushy academically, very 'whole child'. He's popular at school but struggles a bit with peers, gets on better with older kids/adults. But can be emotionally immature...cries easily, tantrums, terrible separation anxiety at night.

A few times he's been sent home with 'tummy ache' and when I've got to school he's distressed etc etc. At home it usually transpires that he was worried about something...a test, an unfinished piece of work, a piano lesson that he wasn't prepared for and so on. I do believe he has tummy ache, but that it is anxiety induced and not anything 'medical'.

Any tiny little thing he perceives as difficult is a battle. He is an exceptional writer (teacher's words) but as it involves considerable effort he doesn't always finish. He considers himself 'rubbish'.

He has on occasion said he hates himself and wants to die. I think he says this to get a reaction from me, not as something he has really thought about. He has very stable, secure, loving home life, no issues martially or anything. There is a history of mental illness in my family however, and I'm concerned this could be an early indicator of anxiety problems.

Sorry this has turned out long, just needed to get it all out! Do you think I should talk to school, doctor, therapist?

Sometimes you can see bigger things that they really are eg: you linking family history to his issues, when really they could be just part of growing up and who he is, and he just needs to find strategies to cope better. IE: he's good a writing, but instead of setting himself the goal of having to write 150 words then worry he won't finish, he could just aim for 50. From the general feeling of you post it seems he's worried about consequences for not doing things, being late, not finishing which means he thinks he's bad/rubbish. You need to teach him that this is not the case and things can be finished later on/tomorrow, sorted out with your help and advice.

I have two DS's, 6 and 11, the 6yo breezes through everhthing but 11 yo does worry and gets upset, now he's older it's so much better and we sit down and talk and plan his school week. For intance he's just started at secondary school and was very nervous, we go to the bottom of why and it was because on the intro days he had not got into the canteen on time and missed getting the food he wanted and he was worried about being hungry. So we put a few extra snacks and a drink in his bag to take and he said he would try and make sure he got there a bit earlier.

I also think the same strategy applies with toddlers as with children who worry, lots of praise, reassurance and cuddles, almost OTT!

My 11yo DS has a Pooh Bear with a muslin inside it with my perfume on, he would be mortified if anyone knew, but it's what he needs to feel safe and secure and that's fine by me.

Dr Tanya Byron who writes in The Times has brilliant advice, I have put a couple of links below, I think you will have to online subsribe to read the whole articles but they are well worthit.

www.thetimes.co.uk/tto/life/article3856693.ece

www.thetimes.co.uk/tto/life/relationships/article3497239.ece

Also this one is good.

kidshealth.org/parent/positive/talk/worrying.html#

Thankyou for the links, will have a read.
I think you're right, I do over think things. I had a childhood blighted by the depression of my mother and grandmother . I've never suffered (thank goodness) and this is the first time I've ever been worried about any of my DCs, so probably magnifying! Thanks again

I have bought a couple of books from amazon for my 8 year old ds which do nice guided imagery and relaxation, to try and teach him the skills to overcome his anxiety. I also spoke to his teacher about the issues, because on a few occasions he was sent home 'feeling sick' when it was due to anxiety, which I think just reinforced things. they were helpful, and pleased I spoke to them.