Should I take my son to counselling with me

[whataboutbob]

Some background info: I am living a very stressful situation where my dad has alzheimers, my brother serious mental illness, they live together and the situation is intolerable and unsustainable. Mum died 18 years ago and I am very much the only family member responsible in this situation. Both their conditions are worsening. It s too long a story, but basically for years dad denied my brother had mental illness " he just needs to make an effort, go to church, go back to college" . Dad s alzheimers is now such that he says my brother is not his son, has forgotten most of his siblings etc. I have tried to set up appropriate services for both of them, took 3 months unpaid leave last year to try and improve their living conditions etc etc. I have posted expensively in Elderly Parents. It s now got to the point where institutional living is looming for both of them. I will have to catalyse that and make all the arrangements, deal with professionals etc.
Anyway I find that after one of my visits back " home" I am stressed, low in mood and snappy. My eldest DS can get the brunt of it. He can be quite challenging and tends to run at me as I come through the door with a demand. He may persist and get so difficult that I then loose it and have a cathartic shouting outburst. DS2 on the other hand I do not react to in that way ( he tends to be my little ray of sunshine). I want to get through the next months, which I know will be hard/ hideous with as little damage as possible to my kids. I see a counsellor once a week and my attitude to my eldest is something I have mentioned in sessions ( he can wind me, and DH up pretty badly). I know some of my outbursts are to do with stress, should I take him to some sessions ( the counsellor has said that might be an idea) or would it be unwise? ( he' s 10). Thanks for any advice.

I don't have any experience of what you describe but I didn't want to just read and run. It sounds awful for you, sorry you are in this position, and I think you being stressed is completely understandable.
I think in your position I would probably not take him to the counsellor (though if the counsellor says it might be a good idea then I might be wrong here) Would your son understand if you sat down with him and told him what was going on in your life and explained how it made you feel? Do you have any other release for your stress/time to yourself etc in order to try and make yourself feel better?
I hope someone comes along who has more practical advice for you - and that your situation improves.

Thanks Harriet. I guess really I just want to protect my kids from my stress and I fear it will only get worse before it gets better.
If anyone has experience of successfully protecting their kids from their own stress I would welcome their insights and advice.

What do you think will /actually want to happen at this counselling session?

Maybe for my son to understand the situatiion,and to have the opportunity to put his perspective forward, with a 3 rd party there who presumably has no personal investment in the situation.

I am a counsellor and some of my clients are the parents of children in counselling. They are referred to me by their DC's counsellor. So this is my take on your situatiin OP.

I think it would be a risky intervention to bring your DS in to see your counsellor. Your counsellor has, or should have a personal investment in you and the therapeutic relationship that you have. They are there to see things from your perspective and help you.

That is what I think you and your counsellor should be working on. Ways that you can deal with your stress at this time.

Firstly, can you go for a walk and then a cuppa somewhere between leaving your dad's and getting home? You know that as soon as you get through the door your DS is going to come running to you. What you see as his demanding "something" is really his demanding you. He wants you to be his mum after your absence. Hardly an unreasonable request from a 10yo boy. How can you get back to being in the Mother headspace so you can deal with him in a loving, nurturing way between your dad's and your front door?

You say that you find your shouting at your DS cathartic. This is unhealthy for both of you and you risk your DS feeling responsible for your anger even though it has nothing to do with him. You are currently using him for release. What other ways can you release your fears, anger and frustration? Because they do need releasing. What about running, dancing, screaming in an appropriate place or sex?

Lastly, ehat would you like your sin to know about what's going on? What exactly do you want from him? This conversation needs to be had. Once you have clarity on what you want, then you can put it to him in a loving age appropriate way and really listen to what he has to say in return. This will just be the start, so try to make time to have regular one on one time with him in the weeks and months ahead when he has you to himself and you can fill him in on what's happening. I also think that you need to create circumstances that allow you to enjoy your DS.

I know that this is a very difficult time for you but your DS needs his mother and by not dealing with your own stress, you are being very unfair to him. Keep your counsellor for yourself. Focus on what you can do for you and leave your DS out of it, because it really isn't his fault or his responsibility.

I wish you all the best.

And I apologise if you think I have been harsh, I do not mean to be, but I am aware that without tone of voice it may read as such.

Thanks Dione this has been most helpful. It s good to be reminded that he is not asking for anything outrageous, just parental attention. I want to try and reduce and ideally prevent my outbursts which are linked to the difficult situation with my dad and brother. Dad never had a great ability to control his anger and we grew up under the shadow of his outbursts. I have also been very scared that my boys will develop mental illness, because my brother has been mentally unwell for all of his adult life. So there are quite a few things to address and maybe that is something I can work on with the counsellor.
I can t really take a break between visits to dad and getting home, I tend to rush back to relieve my husband and by then it s usually 7-8 pm. But I can take some time out during the rest of the week to do things I find de - stressing.
DH and I are quite open with the boys about dad s illness. Today DS2 has said he doesn't t want my dad at his birthday ( because he s been around during dad s outbursts which have been made more frequent by alzheimers). I totally respect that. It s sad because they used to have a good relationship but I have to accept the boys' perspective.
Anyway thanks again Dione and Harriet your input has been really helpful.