Really worried about my 11 year old son

[northcountrygirl]

I'm so worried about my son's behaviour - which has got progressively worse for (I would say) the last 6 months.

He was bullied quite badly at school about 3 years ago. The school were really good though and it got resolved pretty quickly. He was bullied again last year. The child that was bullying my son had a lot of problems at home and he was a "known" bully, so I fully believed my son and supprted him - again it was resolved.

This year he says he's being bullied again. From speaking to my son and questioning him a bit I honestly think he's causing a lot of the issues himself - ie "its six of one and half a dozen of another". He says that all the other boys (and some of the girls) are "picking on him". I know a fair few of the children he's saying are being mean. Some of them have been friends with him since reception, and I struggle to believe they've suddenly all turned against him after being such good friends. I personally think there is just a bit of good natured teasing and he's taking it all to heart and then getting angry and agressive with them (because of how he behaves at home). I've spoken to the school about this and they hadn't noticed a problem at alll and were really surprised when I mentioned it. I'm due to go in this week and catch up with his form teacher and head of year.

He's fallen out with so many of his friends. It all seems to be over extremely petty things and it's my son doing the "falling out". If someone "slights" him he just cuts them off - he won't forgive anything even when the other boy apologises. He now only had 3 friends at school (out of 120 children in his year).

At home I find him incredibly temperamental. He made me cry on Monday by saying some very hurtful things. He made his step mother literally sob yesterday. He was being very stroppy so his step mother snapped at him and raised her voice a bit (which is very out of character for her). She immediately apologised but my son said he wouldn't forgive her. I spoke to him about it last night and he honestly coudn't care less about her. I told him that she had been sobbing over the way he treated her and he just didn't accept this at all - he said she was making it up as he would have heard her if this was the case.

He upset his father too. His father has crohns and had a flair up this weekend so wasn't able to take the kids out. Normally, they go all over - out for walks, weekends away, bowling, cinema, laser quest etc etc. It's very rare for them to have a weekend at home. My son was really horrible to his Dad - all he seemed to care about was when his Dad would be well enough to take them out, rather than being concerned about how his Dad was feeling.

His step dad says he feels like he doesn't even want to talk to him anymore as everything gets taken out of context with my son generally flouncing off after slamming a few doors. My son is so rude and disrespectful towards him. It hasn't always been like this - they've never been particularly close but they did used to play chess together and would go ffor walks with the dog.

With me he can go from laughing, to shouting at me, to floods of tears in literally ten minutes.

I am the only person that he will really confide in and the only person he will ever show affection to. This has always been the case.

So, in summary, his father and I are mainly concerned about the following traits:

1. His complete lack of empathy
2. agressive and disrespectful behaviour
3. His social problems
4. His mood swings

His Dad is leaning towards thinking that we've spoilt him, whereas I'm more concerned that it's a mental health issue. There is a family history of mental health problems on both sides (dad has ocd and has suffered from depression in the past, I've had depression, hypermania and anxiety).

I've made an appointment with my GP but it's not for another 3 weeks as I wanted him to see a particular GP. I think I may make another appointment with a different GP in the practise as to be honest, he's getting worse.

I am no expert and you know your son best, but it just sounds to me like pre-teen behaviour when hormones are going a bit bonkers - hence mood swings, aggressive behaviour and lack of empathy.

If he confides in you, I'd suggest that you take him somewhere, just the two of you, and have a good heart to heart. Outline your concerns, tell him what you expect from him behaviour-wise and give him some coping strategies for any potential bullying/how to get on better in social situations.

Yes I did initially think it was just the hormones so maybe you're right. I just don't think his friends are quite as extreme in their emotions as he is at the moment - although he is a September baby so maybe he's just hitting puberty first.

We talk most evenings at the moment. He comes downstairs when his twin sister and younger sister are in bed and we have "heart to hearts". Our conversations just don't seem that productive though. We'll spend about half an hour discussing (say) how sometimes people say things that they don't mean because human being are imperfect, and how we should learn to tolerate and forgive, otherwise we would end up completely on our own. He seems like he understands what I'm saying and then at the end of the conversation I might say "so do you see how sometimes you should forgive people" and he'll just say "yes, you're saying that I should just let myself be bullied and not stand up for myself".

Would you describe him as sensitive or highly sensitive? My son (8) says similar things and seems to turn the most mundane thing into a drama, as though the whole world is out to get him. Take this test to see if he is. If he is, I'd get the book 'The Highly Sensitive Child' by Elaine Aron.

Now what is slightly odd to me, is that my son is highly sensitive yet seems to lack empathy for others. I would have thought that highly sensitive people would be more sensitive to the emotions of others. But he's not. Your son sounds similar.

We just continually have talks about what I expect from him, how he feels etc. But too much talking overwhelms him and he lashes out with further dramatic behaviour.

It's a tough one. I would keep up with the heart to hearts though.

Hmm - I would have described him as sensitive before taking that test. I only ticked 4 questions though so maybe he's really insensitive!

I think I do need to spend more time explaining what I expect from him. At the moment I seem to spend all my time smoothing ruffled feathers and dealling with each outburst individually rather than as a whole.

Interestingly, his twin sister, scores really highly on the sensitivity test...

I think I'll have a look on Amazon for a parenting book. I did use them earlier on but thought I knew what I was doing now after a relatively "easy" couple of years!

It does sound like his hormones are kicking in,, but are exacerbating a problem rather then being the source .It sounds quite extreme and coupled with the previous bullying and friendship problems perhaps he would benefit from talking to someone outside his family. He sounds a bit confused ? It seems strange his teacher hasn't noticed anything.What do his sisters think about it all ?

The only thing his maths teacher had noticed was that there was an incident last October where he was acting aggresively. She said it wasn't a big deal and they dealt with it in school but that they did think it was out of character for him.

His class teacher had problems with him messing about and not focussing on his work but this settled down when he was moved to a different table.

I have mentioned the idea of a counsillor to him. He wasn't keen, but I think it would be a benefit as they would probably know more about what questions to ask.

His youngest sister is only 4 so just thinks he's being mean. His twin says he is always saying "shut up" to the other children at school and says he has "anger issues". She says he has loads of friends and she doesn't know what's wrong with him and has accused him of trying to gain sympathy to excuse his behaviour. But then, maybe she's feeling left out because at the moment the focus is on him, which really isn't fair on her.

You could try Naomi from the Coach www.thekidscoach.org.uk/ - less medical and more just someone outside the family for him to talk to

I might be way off the mark here but have you considered aspergers syndrome although it is not a mental health problem , the thing about being aggressive for small slights, lacking empathy and being over sensitive and missing the point of things , obviously there is more to it than this but I read tony attwoods aspergers syndrome book and found my son, maybe you won't find it useful but is better than googling it as the online summaries can be useless . Is just that your post reminded me if my son. I can explain things for hours and he will still say you mean I should not defend myself , over the sane kind of stuff .

Same kind of issues - didn't mean to write 'sane ' kind of stuff

I have considered aspergers tbh. He had another "moment" the other night over a biro of all things. Basically he;s fallen out with a very good female friend of his over a bloody biro. But not a biro a "stabilo" which is special apparently...

I will order that book because at the moment i feel that i can't do right for doing wrong...

I do everything I can think of doing for him but it's never ever enough. I took him and a friend from school to pizza hut for tea and he was happy because it was a treat. And then he kept on about the damn pen and his friend was uncomfortable, so i told ds to stop being petty and changed the subject. As soon as his friend went home home he went on and on about the bloody biro that he felt his friend had unfairly aquired from him. I said I would buy him a pack of stabilos as they were very cheap and not worth losing a friend over.

But he still he went on and on about them. And then he fell out with me cos i "swore" as i called them bloody stabilos.

Aaaargh! Fucking pens! Fucking sons! and fucking wanking husband!

sorry got it all out though...

Hi north
Im sorry to read your son is having such a hard time.
I agree that it would be worth reading more about aspergers, although it might not be that.
My son (who has AS) regularly has a meltdown over seemingly trivial things (pedantic arguments over whether its half past eleven or 11:27 for example)

I hope you figure out how to improve his 'lot' soon.

The pen thing is it like he goes on and on about the injustice if it and cannot leave the subject, then goes quiet and starts all over again about the pen and gets all agitated and cannot see that it's a small thing and it's a whole irrational monologue about the subject? That's what my son is like and even though you try and change the subject they get stuck on it . It's hard work and you feel like you can't get through and make them see that's it's not important it's a small thing and the reaction is way our of proportion. I think if you try for too long about the pens you still won't get through that's it's a small thing and will just get further upset, he needs to stop discussing it and try and relax does he find settling to sleep hard when this sort of the happens? My son would call me and try and start talking about the slight/ pen incident/ smoking/ energy drinks and can't he have them/ who he will get revenge upon in a fruitless cycle that could go on for hours when he was stressed at school, but he is doing fine now and just sleeps but we have had periods like you describe. My husband went depressed and withdrew for three months and is only lately 'getting better ' and coping again he is the dad and it's a different set of issues but at the heart of it is withdrawing when things get hard, and we are left to get on with everything and hold it together . Its hellish

Cake - YES with the time. That was spot on! Also my son knows that his bed time is 8.30 and he sets off for school at 8.25. There is no deviation from those times!

Jenny - you've got the right idea about the pen - that it was just what it was like. It was (in my sons view) all about who was right and who was wrong. I said that yes, he was technically right over it all, but there were shades of grey as the original trade was unfair (sorry i'm going further into pengate than i really wanted to venture).

Yes he does struggle to sleep sometimes. He was insomniac for a good few months around autumn. I gave him medised in the end as he was getting stressed over the thought of going to bed at one point.

hope your break away gives you some space to think, and that your son and the other two children enjoy it

Your son reminds me of my 10 year old son. I have had him referred to CAMHS and he has many ASD traits. He will have further investigation by to see if he has autism/aspergers. Tony Attwoods book is well worth reading.