14 year old with severe depression adn 'school refusal' - need support!

[amybutters]

Hi I'm Amy - I ahve 3 kids aged 18, 14 and 1. The 14 year old is suffering his second bout of depression. The first time it happened he was 12 - ended up with 2 sessions from CAMHS psychologist, was declared 'better' and left with no support. To be fair he did seem better, but this was largely superficial and related to his excitement at becoming a big brother.

Now the depression has returned with a vengeance and I feel I am dealing with it very badly. I try to accept his feelings and not judge and then suddenly I snap and get frustrated at his inability to be even slightly positive about anything (of course he is depressed so it is hardly surprising)! I also feel he has very easily slipped into this character of a depressed person and that he defines himself by that. Does that make sense? Have made appointment with GP for Mon to start the referral process again.

Any tips on how to talk to him productively would be much appreciated. I sometimes feel the I know is son is not really there and that scares me.

I should also add that he has another medical condition called ehlers-danlos syndrome which causes pain and fatigue and dislocating joints and is no doubt strongly linked to his depression.

Amy

Sorry no answers from me, but bumping for you. Sounds like DS and you are going through the mill at the moment. Have also had PND myself so sympathies to your DS on that front too. Is there a support group for your son's condition that he could join in his own right, maybe talk to others around his age who are in the same boat?

Is he on medication for his depression?

My friends son (10) has just been put on mild anti dep and is transformed

I don't have any kids yet, but I think you could be talking about me 15 years ago, although I have hypermobility syndrome not EDS and it was undiagnosed at that time. I had no support for either (unless you count a phisio who gave me exercises that were very agressive, blamed me when I got worse and told me never to rest anything especially if it hurt - cue walking and running on subluxed joints owwwwwww) so your son is already in a better place than I was, one of the things that really helped me - and still helps me is swimming. You can't underestimate how good excercise can be for depression and with wonky joints swimming is your best option. I used to go everyday before school, needed a lot of dicipline but I was much happer even though none of the external things changed I did, and that's one of the key things with depession it's not about what is going on it is about how you see it and respond to it.
I also started doing some things I loved away from school and away from the people at school, that helped a lot too - people who didn't know who I was so hadn't steriotyped me as a winger or wierd. For me it was drama but if you live near a city that attracts youth funding there may still be some arts/sporty stuff going on for YP, things he can go to where he doesn't already have a box he is suposed to fill.

As far as Anti-D's go I wouldn't let anyone other than a specialist prescribe them for your son. They arn't supposed to be prescribed to under 18's (although they can be and it can be a good thing) becasue some of the psycological side effects can increase in that age group and they need monitoring properly. I was prescribed at 15 by a GP and it was not a good plan - but that was before they said it was contraindicated so no one knew.

Hi Amy,
Sorry you are going through this very difficult time.

Good posts Trickle.
I do believe depression is a biological disorder and is/can be genetically related...
so the meds are needed when it is all said and done. I would hesitate at the age restriction and hope that talk therapy could give enough coping skills to survive the adolescent years to the point of taking meds with more ease of mind later. And as cyb says they can be transforming and make the world of difference.

When talking to him, really listen to him and give him the respect to at least not interrupt him (not saying that you do). I think being respectful of him and believing him is the core of communication. It is not the time to be dismissive, for example. Find time when your baby is being cared for by others, and focus on your son without distractions.

It is ok to admit to him that you don't know, or this is new territory for you and you need time to think about what is best to do, or as you've mentioned, get help from the professionals. It might be ok to ask your GP for references for you to research to help you understand what is going on to be able to be better to cope with it.

Hi

I posted a reply on here a little while ago but not sure if it made it. Anyway - thank you all so much for your thoughtful replies.

I am feeling quite a lot better about things than I was that horrible morning. Ds has good and bad days, as we all do! But he is being open about how he is feeling and not retreating into himself so much. He can say I'm having a bad day mum and I only have to ask EDS or depression? Often it's both. He can talk about it or not and I won't push it if he doesn't want to. I think I do interrupt a bit - in my eagerness to help and rush and make things better. I am catching myself doing it and am learning...think it has really made a difference.

Am also concentrating on having a nice time with him rather than having the 'what are we going to do about this' discussion over and over.

He has been referred to CAMHS by GP and the school have been great. A local GP comes in once a week to see students who are depressed and DS saw him on Monday. No waiting for appointments! Amazing. Who knows how much help it will be but it is someone to talk to, and by all accounts he is a super chap. I think it is good for him to talk to a man. His dad is pretty much absent from his life and my partner tries but they don't really connect. At all. And my partner is from the 'sanp out of it' school of thought which is not helpful.

Mindful mum: It was really good to hear about your daughter. What a journey. I have a strong feeling that medication is not right for DS at this point anyway. When he was depressed before I desperately tried to find a private psychologist. It was practically impossible. Am not sure why but no-one wanted to see him! There is not really the suggestion of educational issues, as when he goes to school he does really well and his teachers have no problems wiht his behaviour or work. I don't know. I hope this time CAMHS see him for a bit longer.

Trickle: I was shocked to hear about your experiences with JHS (which is very similar if not indistinguishable from EDS type III, depends which doctor you see). Agree absolutely that activity - in moderation, is key to managing the condition. DS used to be sporty before symptoms set in. Now he is reluctant to do anything, with occasional bursts of over activity which make things worse. He knows it is a bad idea but finds that aspect quite difficult. I hope you get better physio and support these days.

Thank you all for sharing your expreiences. It was a massive help. I know there is a long way to go but don't feel so hopeless any more.

Amy