Worried About 9 Year Old Boy's Mental Health.

[CremeEggThief]

On the school run this morning, DS (9) asked what I would do if I didn't have any money. I said, "Borrow some from you" and asked him what he would do. His reply shocked me: "Ask you for some, or kill myself". He said he wouldn't want to be homeless and it would be better to be dead (we saw some homeless people in our city centre last night. DS wasn't very kind about them, so I told him anyone could end up homeless, through wrong choices or bad luck, but it didn't mean they were bad people). I told him that not all homeless people stay homeless forever, and many eventually find homes, and that life is our most precious gift and to think about how we (DH and I) would feel if he was dead.

Should I make an appointment with the doctor to discuss this? I have had concerns over the last few months that he may be depressed, as he is cynical, negative and moody in his personality, and sometimes he lashes out or becomes disproportionately angry. I have told him that sometimes I don't feel he is as happy as he should be and maybe we should speak to the doctor, but he begs me not to make contact.

When he was 5, he occasionally said things like, "Oh no, do I have to, I'd rather kill myself", when his teacher in Reception asked him to come and do his work (I used to act as a parent-helper at the time, so witnessed this), and he threatened to jump off cliffs on holiday in Cornwall. I was very worried and contacted the GP, who referred him to a paediatrician. DS (then aged 6) took a dislike to the paediatrician, because he referred to him as an 'odd ball' in his presence on more than one occasion in his first few meetings with him, and asked us a lot of questions in front of DS about him that I would have preferred to be asked in private, to be honest. DS really played up in front of the paediatrician at subsequent meetings, because he didn't like him. He got the idea that the paediatrician didn't like him, thought he was mad and wanted to put him in an asylum (he's a big fan of Batman!), even though I reassured him this wouldn't happen and asylums don't even exist any more. Eventually, DS was 'signed off' without any diagnosis, although the paediatrician did discuss the possibility of AS tendencies. There wasn't enough evidence to give him a diagnosis, but they didn't completely rule it out. DS was also assessed by a speech therapist in school, at the paediatrician's request, but she was satisfied with his language. DS liked and respected her, so engaged well. My own feeling is that he may well have Asperger's Syndrome, but I am more concerned about his mental health. Is it time to take things further now, although DS won't like it, as he thinks all paediatricians are the same and want to 'get him'? Is this a case of where I might be failing DS by complying with his wishes? Or am I over-reacting?

I'm afraid I can't help with any practical advice, but as a former Samaritan listener, I felt compelled to respond just to say this: don't ever worry about over-reacting when it comes to mental health and throwaway comments about killing oneself, even from a child. They may not understand the implications of suicide, but it doesn't mean they don't understand that it represents an escape. I'm not saying "panic!" but I think you are doing the right thing by showing concern and seeking help on his behalf. Perhaps these throwaway comments are his way of asking for your help. Personally I have never had any success with GPs when it comes to mental health but if you can afford to go privately, the BACP website is a good place to look for help. Don't be afraid to try a few different people until you find someone your DS gets on with. www.bacp.co.uk

well said "alltalk" . My gut reaction would be to do something, especially as it's not a one-off concern. Sometimes it's better for a child if we don't fall in with what they'd like, and this sounds to me like one of those times.

Thanks for your responses and it's reassuring to know others don't feel I am over +reacting. I am a worrier by nature, so I can't always work out if things are as bad as I think they are, if you see what I mean, and obviously, the experience with the paediatrician last ti frustrated and scared DS and confused me, as no conclusions were made. Thanks for the link too.

I had a chat with DS on the way home from school, and he said he was just joking this morning (although he also said he'll never be homeless anyway, because he's going to be a billionaire!). I believe him, but I still find it worrying that a 9 year old thinks it's ok to joke about such a thing, and I spoke to him about how it wasn't funny and it makes me feel sad to hear him even joking about something like that. Then I asked him again how he would feel about speaking to somebody who is trained to help people and listen to them, and he said maybe, but he's also worried about the cost and wants to look on the website of psychologists to check their prices! I'm trying to use our actual wording as much as possible, so sorry if the wording's coming across a bit strange. I reassured him that it doesn't matter how much it costs (not quite true, but he doesn't need to know that) and that nobody else has to know if he is seeing somebody, apart from possibly his teacher. They might ask about how he is in school, but they won't tell her anything he tells them. I also spoke to him about the paediatrician to find out how much he remembered. He said he didn't like being called an 'oddball' and that he didn't like the way the paediatrician stared at him and asked us 'lots of nosy questions', but I told him the paediatrician was just trying to find out if he had a condition called Asperger's Syndrome, so that's why he needed to know everything about him. I asked if he'd made the paediatrician worse in his mind than he actually was, and he agreed he might have, although I agreed with him that it was upsetting the paediatrician called him an oddball. I also pointed out that not all paediatricians are like that!

He has had a hard few months, because about 8 months ago DH took a job in London after being made redundant from his job here in the North East, and it started very suddenly. DH has also only come back every other weekend for the most part. At first he came back most weekends, and DS seemed to cope quite well, but from September it changed to every other weekend. I think this is what has caused the change in his behaviour. We asked DH at Christmas time if he would come back every weekend again, which he agreed to, but he hasn't kept his word about this.

So, in summary, I think it's positive that he has agreed to speak to somebody about how he feels, so my next step is to contact the GP and ask for a referral to CAMHS.
Thanks again, everyone, and I will also check out those links a few of you have given me.