My Mother is hinting she wants to come and live with me.

[raisinbran]

My Mother has gone down hill rapidly and when she leaves hospital will need more care. Her house has only an upstairs bathroom and I live an hour away.

The intention is for her to come and stay with me until she gets a bit stronger. I am cautious on the impact her staying long term will have on the children, she is opinnionated and is critical if they are not reading or doing educational stuff, nosey about what I am doing on the computer, where I am going etc.

Anybody have any solutions/ experience or do I not have a choice.

Can she not live independently and get home helps/carers to drop in on her and help her?

I take me hat off to you as I couldn't bear having someone living here F/T. It could drive you bonkers.

Can you get her bathroom moved downstairs as well as the home help / carer idea?

I could never ever have my mother (even if I were talking to her) or my MIL to live with us.

No. Dont do it. I would be gutted if this happened to me.

My Mum lives 200 miles away and I have to spend all of next week with her.......groan.....

Think you should look at carers before you go down this route tbh

Echo other posters. Try to adapt her house to her new status. Or get her to move to more appropriate accommodation.

raisinbrain There is usually some social services linked to the Hospital she's in but please act quick because sheltered accommodation etc takes time to organise. I was a full time carer to my mum and my daughter and I don't think with respect that you can realise the full impact that it will have on your family especially if your mums health declines I strongly advise that you look at other options that may be available [via SS] and be strong ss may look at cheapest option [living with you] BUT you need to think of your sanity. Sorry if I sound harsh but as much as I love my mum it was bloody hard work and she was'nt even living with me......good luck.

Thank you all for your posts, I think I will need to explore all other options for everyones benefit. It is just hard to look her in the eye and suggest things that she wont want to consider.

When she says is crying and says she "doesn't know what is going to happen in the future. How am I going to cope, I don't want to be a burden to you", the automatic response from me is dont worry you wont.

I do feel heartless for not really wanting her to stay long term.

salsmum is right, there is plenty that can be organised but it needs setting in train now. There should be a social worker attached to the hospital who you can access and you need to make it clear you are asking for a full assessment in order for her to be able to live at home. Explain you can only have your mum for a week or two. Your mum could have carers daily to get her up, dressed, washed, and fed and she could also access via OT a stair lift I imagine. Also alarm devices etc so that help is on hand if she needs it.

The other alternative of course is to give your mum some firm ground rules, if you're happy to have her stay. Be assertive and tell her you won't have her criticising etc; you and your kids must be able to feel comfortable in your own home.

salsmum don't feel heartless; I think most people would feel the same. I happen to be best friends with my mum, I would love it if she stayed but we would still get on each other's nerves at times! Having that friendship as well though means that I could say "oh mum stop doing A and B you're driving me round the bend"!! Unless you have that, I think it IS a nightmare having an adult parent to live with you so if I was in your position I wouldn't hesitate to look at other options. If living together would make everyone miserable then it's simply not the best solution