Carer's difficulties

[rayee]

Hi. I need some advice if possible please as I am in a situation which is very difficult.

I am a single (divorced) mum of 2 children (15yo and 17yo). My son (15) has medium to high function autism, my daughter (17) has PoTS, ME, ADHD. I also care for my 88yo mother with mobility issues. We all live, and have equal share, in the same house (I sold mine and she sold hers). I have my own business working from home. Myself and my mother put in equal amounts each month for bills and food. The children's dad does not, and has never, contribued towards their upkeep in way of maintenance. He has told everyone (including child maintenance) he is not able to afford it. He does not work. I have had to pay for everything in relation to their upbringing and just forked out for my daughter's driving lessons (not cheap).

I do all the cooking, laundry, food shopping, gardening (v. large garden), DIY, cleaning and other jobs around the home. I turned the annexe into a studio flat so I could get some extra money into the joint pot.

I am finding things very tough, even more than I used to, but think thats probably because I'm getting older (53) and the amount of responsibility. My mother gets attendance allowance on top of her pension, but she uses that to pay for things like stocking up the freezer once in a while, fuel for stove once a year and keeps the rest herself. This is accumulating and she shows great pleasure in telling me how much money she has. Whereas I am working, caring and doing everything. I am told that I am entitled to some of this attendance allowance
as I care for her? I'm not sure if this is true and would appreciate advice. I don't want to sound mean, but I have to work to get enough money to pay for things so cannot afford to drop work to get carer's allowance. I'm worried I will burn out and have another breakdown. HELP :(

Well clearly OP if you are providing the care that the attendance allowance is paid to your mother so she can access, that money should be coming to you. Presumably you benefit from her stocking up the freezer and fueling the stove, but the remainder should go into your bank account, not hers. Does she not realise that? Have you spoken to her about it?

If your mother is paying for 50% of the food/household bills and you have two teenagers then it seems tow she is paying her share of the bills. You are not entitled to any of her Attendance Allowance but there is another allowance you can claim. This is called Carers Allowance. You will need to prove you are doing, I think, 36 hours of care a week. As she is resident with you this should be easy to prove as you cook all meals and do a range of other tasks for her that if she lived on her own she would have to do for herself. Shopping/washing/admin jobs. It sounds as though you would qualify for Carers Allowance. It is very hard when you are struggling financially and are tired from doing all the work. Another thing you could do is explain to your mother how tiring it is for you doing everything and ask if she would consider paying for a cleaner or gardener out of the Attendance Allowance she receives. Myother, aged 95 lives alone and pays for a gardener and a cleaner for herself out of Attendance Allowance. I do a lot for her but don't qualify for Carers allowance as I'm retired so I'm happy in my free role as volunteer helper for her but as she doesn't live with me this is not as taxing as your role op. I hope you can get carers allowance which would be a help. 💐

She is very selfish. I have told her that I really need the AA but it seems to have fallen on deaf ears and its her money to do what she wants. I have thought about invoicing her😬

shining star - i have looked into this, but my self-exployed work takes me over the threshold to claim. I earn too much to get it, even though its still below living wage. I'm stuck really

Is she paying towards the bills and weekly food etc ?

Can you try and outsource some of the work eg gardening, housework, and get her to pay for it? I have a similar but not identical living situation...mum's attendance allowance pays for a carer 5 hours a week who, as well as personal care, also keeps on top of the laundry and does minor housework. It's difficult, but you'll burn yourself out if you carry on doing it all yourself. I've been through the getting help in stage, you'll get a cross/disappointed face I expect, but stand firm! Think of what would happen if you were ill. Good luck x

she pays half, but its not the money element as a whole, its the caring role is taking it out of me, for my children and also her, the houses etc. and all the rest of the chores and tasks. I have to fit in my work which I have to do to get money to pay my dues and its a big strain. If I could cut back I woudl, but I do not any other income and have to keep working

Bobsterbunny - that would be ideal, but she won't have a carer in as "shes got a daughter to look after her" - thats her words so you can see the situation I'm in😥

My dad (RIP) said exactly that! I said I was exhausted! I went ahead and phoned some agencies, once I got someone in to chat to them they eventually gave in and still using the same agency 7 years later (only mum left now). Someone very wisely told me to try and get them used to someone coming in to help before they really needed it to avoid a crisis situation.

It's really hard!!!

If she says this I would be very blunt with her OP. I would say 'Right, well if you admit that I'm doing the caring, then in order for me to continue doing that I need you to pay me the attendance allowance, because I'm on my knees doing [all the stuff you mention above]. If you don't want to give me that money then you will need to get someone else in to care for you and you can pay them instead'. I think you're going to have to be unambiguous and very clear!