Is to much being asked of me

[EagerRaven]

I have been caring for my mum for 2 years now and only recently had a break of about 3 days however the care demands keep incresing despite the fact that she has carers coming in. It started with me cooking all the food. doing the shopping cleaning the house and taking my mum to all her appointments. My mum suffered a tramatic brain injury so she has limited capabilty and poor short term memory. She is also very abusive when angry. Now i have to take pictures of all the meal i prepare and take a voice recording of her saying she is eating it. I can,t watch any of my shows without headphones. I cant get overly excited because that is me being to loud. I can't even live my life because thats me not doing what im supposed to do. and if i don't abide by these rules my mum becomes verbally abusive and manipulative. for example dumping rubbish in my personal space the telling me the carers did that as a message for me to clean after myself. Any response or Advice on how to proceed appreciated. my older cousin is involved and handling finances but her solutions usally involve another task added to my list.

You’ll get more responses posting this in the Elderly Parents group (even if she’s not elderly). Don’t work out side the home? Do you live with her?

OP hasn't mentioned if her DM is elderly. I was caring for my DM to this extent when she was in her forties and I was a teenager. It's very different because the law surrounding care of elderly is different and often adult social care, POA etc can't be sorted for younger people and services are predominantly focused on age. There was literally someone on elderly parents the other day who couldn't get help from SS as the person was under 65.

OP, you are being taken advantage of, and while you are available to help, people will keep leaving all this stuff for you to do. You can't live your life making yourself small and quiet and unobtrusive to avoid someone else going off on one. You need to take steps to separate yourself by just not being in the house anymore. It will be in your DM's best interests, too, because she will get more help from social care if they can't just dump loads of it on you. I know it's scary and worrying in case there's no one there, but she will be just fine.

Sounds like she needs to be in a care home. Where is she living? Why do you do all the work but a cousin manages your mums finances?

You are the child there is no legal obligation that you provide care.

You never have an obligation to allow a family member to abuse you.

If you live with your mum can you get your own place?

If you are not managing you can reorganise the care teams duties to act as if you did not live with your mum.

You contact the community social worker who manages the care contract and ask them to organise another assessment of her needs.
This needs to be based on you not being involved in care.

If it is family who have organised the care you tell them the same.

If you get push back you need to be blund and explain that your mother is abusive.
Therefore it is in her best interest that she is managed by other family (if your cousin wants to be doing the day to day) or by non-family.

And short term solution is get a lock for your personal bedroom you can check out utube videos on how to install one.

I haven’t got any practical advice I’m sorry. Have you been in touch with your local Carer’s Hub? They can usually provide sone support. And is moving out at all possible? Your DM is abusing you and this could go on for years unless you are able to move

Hi guys op here just answering some questions. My mum is under 67 so not counted as elderly. I do live in the house with her mainly because I am financially invested. Before the accident my nan left me some money in her will around 12,000 pounds which my mum told me to hand over to her so she could use it to start a savings account for me but she lost her job as a teacher and needed the money to pay the mortgage. She then took that money out without my knowledge or permission and used it to make mortgage payments. The reason my cousin manages the finances is because of these sorts of things. Mum needed financial assistance and my cousin stepped in and took control of the situation and she discovered the misappropriation of my inheritance independent of me by going over mum's finances.
I found out personally when I asked her to set up a direct debit to use some of the funds during uni. I am actively looking for a job that would cover living expenses. I am going to therapy to deal with my situation. I am already making plans to roll back my caring responsibilities and my cousin is doing the same. For full disclosure some of your suggestions may be rather difficult for me to implement as I am on the autistic spectrum.