When can I say I've had enough?

[ByLemonWasp]

Hi everyone. I think I'm looking for permission, for recognition and for positive stories.

So I (45f) am married to husband (50m) and we have two children at junior school. 2 years ago my husband was diagnosed with a chronic disease and is hoping for a transplant..

The outcome of the surgery could be anything between worse than how he is or life changingly brilliant. But there is no date as to when this might happen.

My husband puts all his energy into holding down his job. This is important for his mental health. However I am the majority earner. Prior to his diagnosis we had agreed I would go part time and or look to move career.

I am a top earner... but that comes with 60hr week, corporate environment, immense responsibility and quite frankly I've had enough. I fell out of love with the field I work in, partly because I deal with people all day long who moan, moan, moan and I have lost my compassion for people who think they are owed a living.

Yesterday was back to school. The only chore my husband had over the hols was to
clean the school shoes. Which he didn't do. I have organised, paid for and handled the logistics of every holiday day. I've sorted out uniform, name tapes, after school clubs for next term etc.

I can't do it anymore. I run the house, I do everything for the children and I have the energy zapped out of me by my job.

The helpful thing about earning well is that we don't have to worry about money. If I give up this job I'll still work but something completely different. Probably earning 40% of what I do now. So our lifestyle and future lifestyle (pension etc will suffer).

My question is... at what point is it reasonable to put my quality of life nearer the top of the list? The job market is rubbish, the cost of living is rising. We have savings (due to being economical and responsible) so presumably won't be entitled to any benefits.

I also have parental caring responsibilities swiftly coming my way.

When can I get off this treadmill? Or is that irresponsible given our uncertain future?

You have money
spend it on outsourcing
have you considered a part time housekeeper?
nanny?

On the one hand you recognise all husband’s energy needs to go in to holding down his job, but then you allude to him being a bit useless ie the one job of cleaning the kids shoes and he didn’t do it

ps why couldn’t the children clean their own shoes unless at nursery?

We can’t tell you when you can step back from your job because we have squat all idea about your financial situation and obligations

Which do you want rid of more, the job or the husband? I think it's got to be one or the other.

You could pay for a cleaner etc but from your post, it sounds as if your current job is the real issue here. If you have savings then maybe you just need to take a step back and find a job with much less stress and responsibility, even if that means a large pay cut. Otherwise you’re going to burn out.

Could you drop to 4 days a week in the current role?

That would give you more than 80% of your current wage (because of tax) so you would still have the money to outsource help if needed.

But it would also give you a bit more work life balance, especially if you were strict about ensuring that you used your day off for something nice for you.

I would also find yourself a really good, flexible cleaner who you can say things to like “please can you clean the kids school shoes” and know it’ll be done. It’s worth paying over the odds for this.