Please be gentle with me in the comments, as this is a sensitive and difficult time.
My DD (70) was diagnosed with Parkinson's and LBD (Lewy Body Dementia) around 6 years ago. His mental state ranges between fairly coherent and sociable to rather confused ie.losing his train of thought, with some incidents of severe confusion, incontinence (urine), and difficulty with executive function (eg. forgetting his medication, losing objects, difficulty dressing and eating).
The situation is that he lives a couple of hours away from me, where he and my stepmum moved to enjoy country lifestyle, a bigger house, and to accommodate her grandchildren's specialist schooling.
My SM likes to travel. She has previously if I could have my DF to stay with me here when she goes away. As I work full time and have children and no spare bedroom, I said it just wasn't possible with the level of care he requires.
She was away last week and he went to stay at a respite care home, which he didn't enjoy. My SM is just back from her week away today and telling me that DF didn't like the respite home stay. She is planning another week away in January and is asking if I can have DF to stay 'just for half of it' (4 nights from Thurs to Mon).
I have had him to stay at the weekend a couple of times, once recently when SM went away for the weekend. This has been ok - the kids shared a bedroom and we all got on well and my DH supported it. But honestly I found it challenging and tiring, physically and emotionally.
I feel in such a difficult position. The truth is, while I want a relationship with my DF I don't want to be hs carer and his stays are a compromise for my family. I realise family involved compromise and give and take, but I feel this is a bit much to ask me to do. I could offer to go and stay up with him, but I think the main point is that I'm not super comfortable being a carer to him - apparently he gets disoriented in the night and has had stumbles once or twice. This honestly frightens me, I don't know what I would do in that situation.
My heart and head say I should let them both know that they should be getting a live-in or visiting carer to come in when SM goes away, but I feel awful about it.
WWYD?