Resenting your partner for solo parenting

[BoyTwinMum24]

Hi. I am not sure if this is the right place to post so I'll try a couple of threads. And I realise I'm opening myself up to a lot of abuse and attack, but I'm at rock bottom so nothing left to lose.

I have 2 twin boys who are 2.5yrs old. They are wild, full of energy. Generally they are pretty good, but as you'd expect as toddlers are often pushing the boundaries of throwing things/food, jumping off things etc. My husband isn't well so has been staying in hospital for a long time after having surgery and so I have had to take the load a lot at home. And I'm utterly exhausted and constantly angry. The rage is getting off the scale now. I absolutely hate parenting them and often think back to how easy life was pre kids. I believe I love them, but it is buried so deep I just constantly feel angry and dread spending time with them. I work full time and they are in nursery full time so it's only weekends when I have them, but I absolutely dread every second of it. I tried therapy but I didn't click with the person. I just am a loss. I don't have any family nearby. Friends are helpful but it's a different league with their well behaved singletons.

I'm absolutely resenting my husband for this. It's not his fault he is poorly, but I feel so angry for me being left struggling with the kids. I wasn't enjoying this stage anyway and after 3 months of just the odd bit of help when he is out of hospital is making me just really feel so negative towards him and I'm not sure I'll marriage will survive.

Has anyone else resented their partner and managed to turn that around?

That sounds really hard work. Presumably you are not angry with DH for being ill- is it more that he/nobody isn't acknowledging how much you are taking on while he is out of action?

My DH is away for work a lot and doesn't really say thank you, text or anything. I once told him he should be coming home with a bunch of flower or something after I've done all the childcare on my own for a week! He never has though. He is grateful but just can't get his head round showing it.

Can you get a weekend babysitter or mothers help.

Right now it's crisis management

You can sort out the relationship issues later I reckon.

First priority is respite for you.

Just because you didn’t click with one therapist don’t rule out therapy overall as it sounds as if you need it

No exactly right. I'm not angry with him, just hugely resent the fact he gets to spend his days chilling in hospital (he's not suffering or in pain, it's just due to feeding issues) whilst I am madly trying to juggle everything and it's just wearing my down

I did try looking for a weekend babysitter but it's actually quite hard to find people with twin experience, which I think is essential. I'll keep looking, I do think this is probably the right answer

I have twins and have such empathy for you OP. I was left to do it all (different circs) and it's SO hard. Have you any mum friends that you can do play gym play dates or anything? That can be a bit of a life saver. Also have you seen your GP? Feeling angry and overwhelmed can be a symptom of depression. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. I too used to dread weekends. Sending a huge hug

It’s tough. We have a 5yo and an almost 2yo and my DH works away a lot. He’s probably here half the time.

I get to the point of burnout and then become a terrible parent - I shout and have no patience. I feel awful about it but some days it’s just so so hard. It’s utterly relentless.

The way I get through the weekends solo is by keeping them out the house. We basically live in parks. Clearly not easy when it rains - you need a decent bad weather option - a library with kids area, or any indoor play space.

Use the telly too, when you need. That gives me time to cook and do any chores.

Even saying that though makes me feel like it’s frigging slavery! It’s absolutely relentless and exhausting.

Ah hi fellow twin mum! So good to hear someone who gets it. I do have a really good little local mum circle and usually someone is around for a playdate which massively helps! I have just potty trained the last month and honestly the stress of that has nearly pushed me over the edge. It just adds another extra stress to leaving the house. How old are yours now? Please tell me it gets better!

I spoke to the GP and they told me I just need therapy and antidepressants wouldn't help. So basically to go away!

Thank you so much. It's good to hear other people struggle. I just can't help feeling that I must be the only person who absolutely loses it this much and feels this much rage. I tried to be better today and it lasted 2hrs until they both threw their breakfast across the room, twice 😫🫠

Honestly, I don’t think this level of stress is just for twin parents, it’s not a competition but having a 10 month old crawling baby and 2.5 year old toddler for example is rough too in many ways! Definitely taking them out was my only solution to break up the days and save my sanity. Local libraries can be a good way to pass some time. Or parks, scooting, a drive somewhere, softplay. Any mornings in and I was a bit bonkers by lunchtime (SAHM). (And I totally understand the overwhelm / mum rage bit, I’ve had to step away many times to take a minute so I didn’t just shout in frustration as it all got too much).

Parenting little ones is relentless OP. I'm so glad you have some supportive friends. Mine are just 13 but oh man I remember the early years. I think I have some sort of ptsd as it can still reduce me to tears even now. I used to try and build in tiny treats. A walk to a coffee shop for example ( really feckin strong take out please). Play gyms probably saved my life. It does get easier and less overwhelming. Once they are both potty trained and can communicate better, you'll feel a little lighter. I promise 🥰

Oh OP, that sounds so hard and exhausting. Honestly I don't know how you are managing to keep going, your boys are at the absolutely hardest age, you husband is in hospital, you work full time, and although you say your husband is 'okay' it must have been a very worrying time, and presumably you've had to visit him as well adding to your load. Honestly I think it's incredible you're still standing, all power to you 💪🏻.
Would you consider getting yourself signed off sick? I appreciate that might really bugger your finances but you need to look after yourself too, before you completely break. Having your boys at nursery and just a few hours to 'breathe' and recalibrate sounds like it would really help your own psychological wellbeing, again it's really important you look after yourself. The fact you're feeling angry is a sign you need a break, even if it's just a few hours a day.
I know it's easier said than done, but hold tight, your boys will get easier, but not quite yet, honestly you are at the toughest, toughest stage of child rearing. The good thing is once this is over it starts to get easier, and by the time they are ready for school, you'll really miss them! (Even if you're not feeling that now). Of course you love them, but finding that love when you are physically, emotionally and psychologically exhausted would test even the most saintly of people including mother Theresa!!

This sounds rough. My husband also has health issues and I resent him not being able to do as much with the kids as I'd like, so I think your resentment is totally reasonable, but also you need to know that you will come through this and your boys will not be this hard forever. Two is HARD. But in a year they'll be much less hard. And in five years they'll just want to play computer games and you'll barely see them. Stick the tv on/take them to soft play and do what you can to get through this phase.

This is the sickness and health part.

I'm a solo parent of twins and an old child - have been since twins were one years old. I would say this is the hardest part at the moment - my twins seemed to be utterly feral at around 2.5 to 3.5 and I found parenting really hard - I can honestly say we seem to be coming out the other side now though and things are settling down

How long will your husband be in hospital for?

Thank you all SO much for your replies!! I can't tell you how amazing it is to read everything and everyone be so kind. It's such a juggle, full time work, two toddlers, potty training and hospitals visits. I feel exhausted, frustrated, sad, and bitter. I just want to give up, but how can I? I can't leave the boys with no parents. I'm so grateful for each of you that has taken time out to respond, thank you so much