Carer burnout- has anyone felt this?

[speakout]

I just seem to have hit a wall.
Can anyone relate?
I have my 90 yo mother living with me and my 26 year old DS- I care for both. I also run a small business from home and my DS is away a lot with work-
generally 4/5 nights a week.
On saturday I just had enough, and spent two days in bed, sleeping a lot and crying in bed- a pounding headache and stomach cramps I have stacked the fridge with food and told my family I am unwell, so not to ask for anything. I had a pice of toast this morning, ut otherwise nothing since saturday.Today I was feeling a little better, had to go to the post office and supermarket had an idea to make myself a super healthy light meal- but when I got home I was completely done in, and no energy to make anything.
I can feel the fog lifting a bit, but can't muster much energy.
I know have been spinning too many plates for a long time but this emotional and physical event has left me reeling.
Can anyone relate?

Yes, you are not alone. My mum died recently - I was run ragged e.g. getting calls from her carers several times a day, trying to contact her Gp, numerous visits to A&E after falls, infections etc. I really tried my best but I still feel guilty that I couldn't do more. My siblings did f**k all and also left me to organise her funeral, clear her house.
Now, I cannot stop sleeping, have difficulty making decisions- just feel utterly burnt out.
I'm sending big hugs.

My Dad died 18 months ago, and for the first 2 weeks after he died I just sank into this awful apathy-state where even making a drink felt like I was walking through quicksand. I think your body just keeps going on adrenaline and when that drops, you come to a grinding halt.

Your body is telling you to rest, and that's what you need to do. I found taking soluble vitamin C helped, and just trying to eat well though easier said than done.

I feel you! I'm in burnout just now caring for my DD who has additional needs. It's a horrible feeling and I feel so guilty as I shouldn't feel this way about caring for my kid.

Yes I've felt this. I'm caring for my DH who has terminal cancer and is on palliative care. He is very demanding and my mum even commented recently -he wants your attention every minute of the day.

I have my own health issues which make it challenging. Last week I was so run down I went down with seasonal flu and was extremely poorly. The demands never let up and he even made me feel guilty for wanting to go to bed slightly early one night. Some days I wonder whether I'll have the energy to see this through to the end, but I guess we pull the strength from somewhere, even when we feel we're at the end of our tether and hanging on.

I think carers keep going even when quite ill until they can't keep going any more. Often when the person they cared for dies they collapse in exhaustion and I think that's pretty normal. My Mum died 11 years ago now but I cared for her, along with my sister's, over her final 6 weeks. After she died my sister's and I all felt burned out.

I am sorry for those living with loss, and those who are feeling overwhelmed.
It doesn't help that I am a "fixer" and try my hardest to make everyone feel OK and happy.
I am trying to step back a little, the fridge loading seems to have worked out well,giving me at least some headspace to meal plan or think about meal planning for a few days,
I am trying to view this crash as being useful.ut
Giving other family members an insight as to what i do- so much of that is the "behind the screens" stuff, laising with physios, GPs, picking up prescriptions, managing out transport to various places, everyone's laundry, food shopping, helping out with finances, enefits, - booking dentist, podiatrist. Well meaning organisations have encouraged me to seek guardianship for my DS and power of attorney for my mother, ut it just feels so daunting, and more mental load.
I work 45 hours a week, and my own life too- but I totally understand the guilt, and yes I have a sibling too who conveniently moved to Sydney some decades ago.
I know I will recover, but life seems so heavy, I thank everyone who understands how relentless it is to be a carer.

Outsource what you can, even if it's the ironing or having someone into clean for a couple of hours a week. Even someone to mow the lawn if needs be. I co-ordinated my Dad's care and in the end got so irate with having to take half days off work (own business) to go to waste of time appointments that involved 50 mile round trips that I emailed his GP and explained how exhausting it was for Dad, and could we please only have appointments for things that are non negotiable like oncology. We dropped everything that didn't help - physio, diabetic screening, podiatry. It sounds brutal but these things weren't helping Dad long term and I do find that appointments are issued for older folk with fuck all consideration of the poor sods having to get them there! I only regret not doing it much sooner than I did. And I also refused to visit the GP surgery - getting the practice nurses to come out for vaccinations/blood tests etc.

You are not alone OP, I believe that Carer's stress is a real and debilitating condition. I am currently supporting and caring for both my parents, aged 89 & 91, both with Dementia and both still living in their own home, which is falling down around them, with the garden taking over. There is only me, I don't have any other family, apart from one sibling who has lived abroad for 20 years. My Dad is now at the final stages and no longer knows what is going on around him or who we are (he has gone through many, very challenging stages before finally arriving here). The overwhelming stress of watching him decline and waste away into an unrecognisable and extremely difficult stranger, who requires 24 hour a day supervision, has had a shocking effect on my mum's cognitive function and short term memory, to the extent that I now have a POA for them both and manage every aspect of both of their lives for them, alongside my own. I don't have a partner, so no-one who has my back or who can pick up the pieces for me occasionally. I do have lovely friends but it is a very isolating experience being an unpaid carer and there is a limit to how much you can offload and increasingly I feel that I am waiting in the wings while everyone else is enjoying their lives. I do feel as if my own life and life force is draining away.
I now feel completely crushed by it all, exhausted and overwhelmed, as if I am just putting one foot in front of the other until something gives. I have become aware of an alarming number of new health conditions, on top of the old ones and my memory is shot away, to the point that I fear that I am getting Dementia myself 😩
I have immense respect and heartfelt sympathy for anyone and everyone who finds themselves in a similar leaky boat, just hoping that somehow they can get through another day, another week, another month without the whole thing sinking.

I think unless someone has been a carer, they have no idea how bloody draining it is.

As @LizzieBennett73 says, out source as much as possible.

I got to a point where I was drowning under laundry. Finally, social worker recognised that. No one has an obligation to care for another but we do it as a sense of duty. Our care package now includes a laundry service twice weekly. Doesn’t help with sleep but one less thing to worry about.

I’m not sure what you mean about your son’s guardianship. Do you mean welfare deputy? If he lacks capacity you can apply to the Court of Protection to be a welfare deputy. Unfortunately, like most things, it is quite difficult to get and even when it’s been granted most professionals haven’t heard of it. (My husband is our son’s welfare deputy).

Hey. I'm sorry that it's so hard.

Please can I recommended that you go to mobilise.co.uk as well -lots of help and support there.

Can you get someone in to help so you have regular breaks? Not a carer but this helped me when I had small children.

Just searching through carers stuff on this site to see where any posts were, I have been full time carer for DD21 for 6 years, but whilst I was separating from ex-H at least he could walk the dog, get a prescription etc. DD has severe MH issues, possibly result of head injury, had one round of treatment. I have been fighting 18 months for more but ex-H refuses to acknowledge any of it. He sees her as my "hobby". I've tried carers support groups but they are all for those caring for elderly people, and when I say that she can get up and watch TV you get that little look and smirk.

I've now left the house we lived in which has been on market for 18 months too and he is constantly asking me why I am not organising the sale, its taking to long, he's worried, he's desperately worried - about the sale. He says that she needs to "face up to things" and has been telling wider family that she's fine.

I am not well today, first time in our new flat, we have no garden now so have to walk dog 4 times a day and so on. I rang up work and had a little cry they kept saying don't worry about it. I did join a specialist group for children and young people and one of the women there said to me "why are you here? My DD is dying at least yours is going to live". So I never went back. :(

I get online support from the specific illness-related charity, they send a nice message once a fortnight. But I feel sick and sorry for myself. Just as the OP said, burnout. How are you today @speakout?

Yes totally.

The only solution is a break. When you are in that state you don't need much because even 48 hours feels like a 2 month holiday.

It may seem impossible but have a look at your options to get a full 48 hours. That means leaving on evening of Day 1 and coming back Day 4 - so you will need cover for 3 nights. I

Can you combine your son being in the house over night (you say he's away lot but tell him you need a break and ask him to identify 3 nights when he can be at home) with paying for a day carer to support your mother?

Do you have any other relatives who could sleep in?

Honestly, it may logistically feel like a mountain but even the shortest break pays dividends it really does. It's like a massive mental reset.

Start to look at this now because I know from bitter experience the point you start thinking you are burnout is not the actual burn out. That is coming and it gets worse and worse then you will be in a urgent need a break now now NOW state at which point it becomes harder to organise calmly. Don't let it get that bad. Sounds like you are well on the way to that point.

It's tough but we are all superheros and those we care for feel loved and safe and thats because of us.