I'm at breaking point caring for DM

[Am898]

I have 2 very young DC and my partner works full time, I care for DM full time

She has always been bitter and resentful towards me ever since I was a child and my DF left her. I dont have many happy memories of her and was raised by my grandmother who passed away 4 years ago and life's just been shit ever since

EVERYTHING revolves around money. She's always been bitter that she can't work anymore (and I do really sympathise she went from a well paid job to having a stroke and never working again), she has limited mobility, speech difficulties, confusion.

But everything revolves around money, even when I was a child I'd constantly be told how unfair it was that she would have to spend money on me (literally would be treated like a burden for needing school uniform). Now when I come up, I have to spend time going through her bank statements (this is literally everyday and had got worse since the cost of living crisis) and seeing what we can cut down on, I get paid roughly £80 in carer's allowance to care full time for her and she even suggests I should be giving her this back, even though she's actually quite comfortable financially

I just feel drained from it all. I miss my grandmother so so deeply because I'm really struggling caring for a woman who never cared for me and not even because she physically couldn't, she just didn't want to.

I've tried to just do the basics which is everyday I come up and do cooking, cleaning, paperwork etc (she does her own personal care) and leave it at that but for instance this morning I got a message at 8.30am "Help me" so I've rang and she didn't make much sense on the phone, I've come up and it's just that her shopping list is ready for me to do

I'm honestly burnt out, she has siblings but only 1 will help but they all live hours away so everything is on me

She does have a pendant alarm in case she falls which has been helpful but im really struggling with the constant phone calls and texts over minor problems and having it thrown in my face that I'm her carer like I'm not suppose to have a life outside of this

I want to care for DM because she is my mum and I love her but my god it is absolutely draining when I feel like all the pressure is on me

Oh honey. This sounds very difficult. I'm not surprised you're losing the will with her.

Is there a day you don't go, at all? If she has a sibling willing to be involved could you devise a plan where you get, say Fridays (or whichever) day off completely and she does it all that day? It's a drop in the ocean, but may help you to feel better about the days you do go.

What about setting up online shopping? She doesn't need to know, you could get it delivered to you and then take it round. It would at least save you the trip to the shop?

Are there any other small wins like that you can go for?

I'm guessing she wouldn't accept carers, but, you could investigate the availability, services offered and cost without committing or telling her. Information is power.

Also, you do know you don't have to do this, don't you? I get that part of you wants to. But compassion fatigue is real. And often the best cure is a time out.

I feel for you. Try and streamline some of the tasks, try and get some time out. Make sure you're OK, because of you're not, you'll be no good for her, will you?

You need help OP . You can refer yourself for a carers assessment from social services . I wish you the very best if luck . Personally after looking after my Mum and Dad for 5 years, l would never do it again . As much as l love them they treated me and my husband like shit beneath their shoes . If l could only go back in time .

You are carrying far too much. I had a great relationship with my mum, she was a fantastic grandmother to my children and I just slipped into the role of carer after my dad died. They already lived in our granny annex. But even with carers calling twice a day to get her up and put her to bed I was absolutely broken.

Unlike you I didn't have to travel to her, I didn't have small children, but I completely lost sight of her as a mum because there was so much to do - and a lot of it was emotional.

I had Carer's Allowance for my mum and she felt I should be the one paying for the carers because they were helping me not her!

I got the carer package through the social worker attached to our local surgery. That might be a good place to start.

I really don't see how you can care for your Mum and your kids without burning out.
Contact Social Services and ask for help - don't let your Mum guilt or pressure you into only caring for her yourself. It's too much and it's not fair on your kids.

I’d use the £80 to buy in outside help. Cleaner once a week, and a few hours from a private carer for meal preparation and errands.

You don't have to do this OP.

You don't have to do this. You really don't. Whether she would accept carers or not is irrelevant. She's holding you hostage. She is demanding that you care for her to the exclusion of all else in your life.

Cancel the carer's allowance. Call social services and tell them you are completely at the end of your tether, and are on the verge of a complete breakdown. Tell them that you cannot, either physically or mentally, do this any more, and you are handing responsibility over to them forthwith. If necessary, tell social services what your childhood was like.

You don't have to do this. She cannot force you to do it.

Be strong and put your children first. Your children need you, so put your own wellbeing right up there as well.

This.

Sounds like you're having to deal with an awful lot there @Am898. My "D"M can be difficult and wasn't what you call a loving Mother. I decided very early on that I wasn't going to do any care that I wasn't happy to do.

So I speak to her once a week and visit her once a week. I keep an eye on her finances and medical appointments and listen to her moan but that's it.

She has a cleaner which she pays for. Luckily she's able to shop for food and has Wiltshire Farm Foods deliver meals. When the time comes that she can't shop I'll do it online and ask the cleaner to put it away.

I echo what a PP suggested, you need a Carer's Assessment. You also need to tell your GP how you're feeling, you sound overwhelmed. Having Counselling to help me deal with a DM who didn't care for me when I needed her and now expects care from me, well, this helped enormously.

My DU & DA are in a similar position to your DM. They already gave a cleaner and a gardener and have frozen meals delivered.

I've applied for Mobility Allowance for them and when it comes I've approached a Woman who is local to them who will come in and act as a Home Help doing urgent shopping, emptying bins and cleaning the kitchen. My DA & DU are great company though and I enjoy seeing them.

You can't take it all on unless you really, really want to. You certainly shouldn't have to do it through Fear, Obligation & Guilt (F.O.G.).

And do come over to the Elderly Parents Section. There's a long running support thread and the whole section is busier than this one

Try claiming Attendance Allowance and use it to pay for someone to do some of the chores.

How are you getting on now @Am898?

For all those saying that OP doesn’t have to do this level of caring, I understand what you’re saying but try just leaving her to it!!
I am in a similar position, at my wits end caring for my elderly parent but however much they annoy me and upset me, I really can’t just leave them to it, the guilt if something happens would be too much. 🤷‍♀️
OP, I do agree that you need to get a Carer’s Assessment (for you, not your Mum). Also, try to take a day off every now and again, it really helps to recharge your batteries. Try to do this on a day when the cleaner is going in, so at least you know your mum isn’t completely alone those days.
Good luck, you’re doing a great job, above and beyond x

Maybe I'm a terrible person, but I would contact the council and say you're done.

You don't owe her anything. YOu don't. Your grandmother raised you and your mother made it clear you were an unwanted burden your entire life. Tell her she's on her own and let the council/social services know they'll have to help her.

I agree with @wronginalltherightways you don't have to do this. My New Year's resolution is to try to care less what others think of me as I'm menopausal and my own mental health is suffering now.

I'm in a situation where my Dad demands I go back home to him all the time. This is 2 hours away. I have two younger DC and run a business, plus DH works away Mon-Fri. My Dad wasn't an awful parent he just wasn't really a parent in any sense of the word. Not unkind, just incredibly selfish. I've lived where am now for 15 years and not once has he visited me. He has only ever needed me in his life to suit himself, when he wants something.

Since October thinking about my Dad and worrying as he won't move into suitable accommodation has consumed my life. But I've turned a corner and although I am going to be his POA, I will not be going back and forth at his every demand. I just can't take it anymore. He refuses paid carers and refuses suitable accommodation. I'm constantly on the phone to social services.

Personally op in your situation I would tell your mum she either arranges carers or gets on with it. I would pop in once a week if you wish for peace of mind but I certainly wouldn't be bending over backwards. Your children won't ever get this time back with you and they deserve your time more than your mum does. Plus you deserve to be happy not living in misery.