Sandwich caring - can I even do this?

[CouldItBeCake]

I’m a stay at home mum to 3 small children, all under 5.

My parents are together and are early 80s. Dad in early stages of dementia, Mum already finding it increasingly hard to cope. I have one sister with 2 slightly less small children and extremely busy job (but amazing at supporting mum and dad, and has a better track record of this than me).

My FIL and MIL got divorced late in life. Both live alone. FIL also starting to suffer from ill health (physical; mentally he is fine). He will be moving in with us for financial reasons and for us to help him manage his health. It will make sense for me to care for him if and when he needs additional care.

We are very fortunate in that we are very comfortable financially. I fully recognise how lucky I am in this respect, and how many dilemmas I don’t have to face as a result. We also all live in Birmingham or suburbs so distances aren’t huge. My parents could fund any level of care they require, and we could afford decent care for FIL and eventually MIL (younger and currently in good health) should they need it. I could also continue not to work. This is not the same question as whether I want to provide care to any / all parents, or whom I’d prefer to care for, or whether I would or should choose paid care. My question is about what I can actually manage whilst preserving my mental health and sense of identity. I already struggle with the loneliness and relentlessness of 3 small children.

What do I do? What can I plan? What can I promise and what can I not? How do I go about working out what my boundaries are and how do I express these without being or appearing selfish? My sister and I get on alright but don’t understand one another very well.

If you recognise me and my family from this description, please pretend you don’t.

If this is the case My parents could fund any level of care they require and we could afford decent care for FIL and eventually MIL (younger and currently in good health) should they need it I would suggest care is paid for while your family supplements with plenty of social visits?

I've edited this - I didn't mean you personally have to pay for all care.

You have three children under 5, I did not at first see how young your children are!

Don't promise anything. At all. I've seen so many people caught in a noose of their own making - "We promised Mum that she'd never go into a home" "that we'd visit twice a day" etc etc, and that sounds OK at first but swiftly becomes untenable.

You may think that caring duties might get easier as your children get older, but balance that against the fact that dementia is a progressive illness, and what is manageable at the moment may be very difficult indeed in 5 years time.

Have all older folk in this story set up Power of Attorney? If not, I'd strongly encourage them to do so. The time to do is BEFORE you need it, not after (when you may no longer have capacity to set it up).

Look into any local support available.

Given that it's your FIL who's moving in, are you expecting your husband to offer any care/support, either to you or to his father?

But most of all -- don't promise a thing. The situation may change and need reassessment and you need to feel free to do that if necesary.

Agree with the above totally. Until you have had experience of caring for the elderly, particularly with dementia, you cannot imagine how physically and mentally punishing it is. It will destroy you.
Make sure wills, LPA, funeral wishes/plans are in place and leave it to professionals when the time comes. It is not a good situation to expose young children to either. I may sound hard but believe me, it will utterly break you, however much money you have

I agree you can't make promises when you've no idea what the future holds.

First of all I would say whatever you agree to/can do now does not need to be set in stone. Have a think now, before it happens, what you are comfortable offering. I guess you and your husband will be responsible for meals and housework, laundry etc? So in some ways Fil will be like an extra child so far as household chores are concerned.

How will you feel about personal care - helping him to wash and dress, helping him on and off the toilet? How will you cope if he has toileting accidents and you need to clean all the bedding and the carpets etc? These sort of things may be a long way off but it is worth considering how you would feel if you were presented with those tasks.

If he hasn't had one already it can be worth having a needs assessment through Social Services even if you feel you will be paying for support privately. It's good to be "in the system". You can also investigate Attendance Allowance once he is living with you and if you are not working have a look at Carer's Allowance as well. They are not huge amounts of money but they are helpful and also make it clear that you are fulfilling the role of carer. And make sure you get a Carer's Assessment for yourself - although depending on where you live that might be pie in the sky. I was waiting for years and my mum went into a nursing home before I reached te top of the list LOL!

Register with your GP as a carer. I found it helpful because the staff would talk to me and didn't need to speak to mum every time.

And what you are able to do for one parent you might not be able to do or even have to do for another.

Make sure you and your husband are on the same page, make sure you are working together. And find time for yourself as a wife, a mother and you.

Get social services set up asap.

buy in as much help as possible. Cleaners, gardeners, respite care.

not only does it take a lot off you, but it means your elderly parent gets used to having people come in and help, and build a relationship with the carers so it’s easier if they start needing more intimate care.

get your power of attorneys and wills done now.

It sounds like you are being lumbered with this, whose idea is it that you look after FiL when you are already struggling with your own children ( 3 under 5 is really hard work, we all know that)? When you say, " it makes sense for me to care for him", is that what you think?
Personally, I wouldn't be up for this, in fact I'd get job to avoid having to do it. And I'd make it very clear that I would not be doing any personal care. Why are you even thinking of doing this when you say you can afford to buy in help?
You're also likely to need to have more involvement with your own parents soon enough, I can't see how you can manage looking after FiL in your house, contribute to your father's care and deal with 3 small DC adequately. Is it DH pushing you to do all this?

Why would it make sense for you to care for him?

Every. Single. Word. Of. This.

I cared for my mum who had Alzheimer's for several years. My two children were 5 and 1 when she first started showing signs of dementia. It was very, very hard, particularly as things progressed and she had other heath concerns added into the mix. I wasn't living with her, but I had ultimate responsibility for everything. The admin, the doctors' appointments (of which there were many), the hospital appointments (again, so so many), shopping, cleaning, property maintenance, endless telephone calls to and from carers/Social Services/district nurse, rushing down at a moment's notice because she had fallen or wasn't answering her phone or she felt down/confused/lonely or there was some house related catastrophe. I loved my mum very very much, but I wish I had been able to persuade her to go into assisted living accommodation at the very least because it was like having another child to care for, except she didn't have to do a single thing I said!