Sorry for this long post, just needed to get this off my chest asap!
I'm sitting feeling guilty. MiL has MS with severe mobility issues. She lives in a flat on her own 30min drive away, no ramp so unable to leave her out (authority taking forever to sort it for her apparently)... she has always been a harsh, narcissistic type person and can't keep a friends or relationships for long due to her attitude. She will of course blame them and now shes blaming it on the MS as apparently she had it since teen and only diagnosed as an adult so it's affected her anger and rudeness.
She has two sons, one who left and refused to deal with her attitude anymore and split all contact with her (and us for sticking by her) and the other son, my hubby, is fed up and avoids her as much as he can. We both work full time. I was a carer for my own mum best part of my life due to alcoholism and mental health. I suffer with mental health now myself after her death. I still feel guilty at the lack of upset I have that my mum is gone. I loved her but she claimed my teenage years and it was a toxic and violent relationship regardless of her love. I'm learning to deal with my anxieties and depression that years of being a smothered child carer has caused and I feel I've never gotten a break.
MIL was diagnosed approx 10yrs ago, 2yrs after me and hubby got together. She's rapidly declined since then. Over the years she's had money issues which we had to loan her, she's taken out loans and gone behind our backs and lied to us. She demands things to be done her way and when she wants it regardless that we have our own lives. Now she makes us feel guilty because we can't take it anymore!
MiL will ring us after 9pm to cry down the phone that she needs something even if she's needed 'it' for hours (eg she fell once and couldn't get up for over 6hrs before trying to call us at 1am and we had work that morning!!). One week we had 3 calls on 3 consecutive early mornings for the samw thing. I've tried to get her to ring more reasonable times but she won't and I tried to get her to get the health call in but she refused. Instead expecting family or friends to help, then got angry when they said they were busy!
When we do help her she often becomes nasty with hubby and puts him down, something she's done since he was a child and why he avoids going to see her, leaving me to deal with it. We havnt even visited for just a normal movie day or chat like we used to, it's always because she wants or needs something.
I feel so guilty because I did this for so many years, I don't want to do it anymore and I'm not comfortable with her physical needs though I try. I feel selfish because after my work im too drained to want to even socialise and at current moment im also doing a level 5 Uni course through work so im trying to study.
She does have healthcall now and some form of carer briefly goes in from what she has said, but she complains about the costs so won't get more help and certainly wont move into assisted living. She's on the full rate disability and unemployment money. Surely there is help out there?!
I can't dispute she's ill, maybe her MS is the biggest culprit of her attitude, ive done some research and it is potentially possible, but that doesn't make it easier to cope with when she gets nasty (no violence at least). She is also big on embellishment and lying for sympathy or to look bigger/better than she is, so we never trust her even with small stories as we just can't tell what is truth or not. So many times we've caught her out and that again leaves us unsure how to believe her.
Am I a bad person to not want to answer my phone to her anymore because I just can't say no when she needs help but I just having got the mental or physical energy to help? When I don't answer my phone I feel guilty for being selfish. She's alone. She's not my mum and we've never had a great relationship (though she seems to think it's all hunky dory yet actually I care about her as a person but i dont love her like family)... Hubby avoids helping as he's tired of her attitude. As I'm the only one that drives she relies on me more and I resent him as she's his mother not mine and I've done my time of caring.
Sorry again for long post. Just so tired now 😔