I've lost myself

[isitjustmeordoyoufeelthesame]

My mum has been very unwell for a number of months since all the Covid stuff started. It's been a very sad but rapid decline seeing her go from a strong independent woman to wheelchair bound with very little ability to do anything for herself. Sadly she is now in a care home.

It's pretty much taken the life out of me. I've become more and more isolated from my friends and family and feel like everyone is living in a world that I do not belong to. Until she moved to the care home, I was permanently cancelling plans as I had to rush to help her, pick her up off the floor, run to hospital, etc. Now she is in the care home, I have more control over my life but she still needs me a fair bit.

I am really struggling to get back to normal. People have moved on, friendships have changed, I've changed. I just want to reach out and ask for help from everyone that has moved on but I can't. I don't know where to start. Who are my friends? How can I start living my life. How do you find new friends when your old ones are around but not as good friends as they were once.
Feel pretty lost and isolated.

I do have a wonderful husband who will always be with you me. I feel bad that I've taken him down this lonely life too but he tells me not to think like that. My children are grown up now and say I've sacrificed all my other relationships to look after my mum but there really wasn't a huge amount of choice. She has no one else.

Any advice?

I'm in a very similar situation but in a worse position than you because I don't have a husband or children so your future is fairly assured really because you have your family.

I was caring for my mother who was like yours very ill. She died which I'm still grieving and not over and I was plunged directly into caring full time for my father who has dementia.

All my friends, work life and normal life disappeared down a plug hole in the middle of all this - save for a couple of hard core friends who have persisted with me with sporadic contact.

I'm still in the thick of it and see no end to it but a big impace on me has been loss of confidence becaust I think the less you interact socially, the less you want to do it. You know that phrase 'no man is an island'. I think it's nonsense. A man can make himself into an island.

If you are in a position to get back to "Real life" this is what I would do if I were in your position

• start a gratitude journal. my grief counseller recommended this and it has helped. every day write down four things you are grateful for - or one thing or two or whatever you can manage. It doesn't matter if you repeat yourself. just focussing on good stuff helps. You can start by being grateful that you are in a position to find yourself -I am not there at all.
• assess who your real friends are and whether they are people who you care about at all or just convenient. I expect like me you will have had some - a handful - who did try to stay in touch and showed they cared in some way even if long term they fell off. Do you want to re-open that? Start small with an invite for a coffee or to do something you'd like to do maybe see a film or go a gallery or whatever your thing is. Ones that never bothered you can probably bin.
• think about the things you wanted to do when you were in the thick of it but couldn't and do them. Go on holiday somewhere you wanted to go. Find a course in something you wanted to learn about. Join a random club - climbing, bowls, whatever - and have some lessons. This is how you will meet people.

I honestly wish I had the support of a husband. I'm alone and it is very very tough.