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Carers

Caring for elderly relatives? Supercarers can help

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Original poster

Marrying a man who's in a wheelchair

20 replies

Redruby4 · 27/02/2023 14:58

As the title says, how did you cope?

My fiance had a stroke on his right side on 2019. His cognitive function is still sharp. He has diabetes and mobility issues and I need to know how best to care for him, the issues we're gonna face and physical compatibility. It's a long distance romance and he's moving here to be with me.

I'll share more information with you soon if you have any questions.

OP posts:

OrlandointheWilderness · 27/02/2023 15:03

I've not been in your position but I do have experience caring for people. I think a little more info is probably needed.
Did you know him before the stroke? Have you been together long? Do you have prior experience in caring, and what arrangements are in place for when he moves, will he get support for house modifications/ transports etc?
Just so we can give you a bit more of an insight. It's a really difficult thing to care for someone in an personal relationship but it can work and I know people who are very very happy together and have been for many years.

Muchtoomuchtodo · 27/02/2023 15:15

Can he stand / step at all? what equipment are you going to need for him the be cared for safely? Have you got space for that?

will you be d providing all of the support that he needs or will carers be coming in?

only you know about your physical needs. I assume your and your DF see each other fairly regularly, how has that side of things been going since his stroke?

unfortunateevents · 27/02/2023 15:24

How much time have you spent together since his stroke?

OriginalUsername2 · 27/02/2023 15:32

How old are you and how long have you been together? This is a huge huge thing to take on.

SmallElephants · 27/02/2023 15:35

Why on earth are you talking about marriage when as far as I can see you don’t live together? And maybe haven’t even spent much time together alone?

TheShellBeach · 27/02/2023 15:46

This is insane.
He can't just move in with you like that.
You need a trial period where you find out if you're compatible, surely.
It sounds like he's going to use you as an unpaid carer.
Rethink this.
I've cared for many people in wheelchairs and it's hard. Not impossible but hard work.

NeedToChangeName · 27/02/2023 15:49

I think this is a lot to take on and you need to go in with your eyes open. Probably better to ask his consent to have a frank, confidential conversation with his healthcare professionals

As an aside, I prefer "uses a wheelchair" to "in a wheelchair"

33goingon64 · 27/02/2023 15:56

I assume you love him and he loves you and you're marrying because you want to be together forever?

imagemini · 27/02/2023 15:56

How much time have you spent together face to face? You don't have to wait until you're married to see if you're physically compatible. In fact you definitely shouldn't wait.

NettleTea · 27/02/2023 16:06

I agree. Caring is hard, and can set up a wierd dynamic. Does he need care and has he got PIP etc to help pay for care? Do you work? Can he work?
I would certainly think about spending some time living together before committing to marriage? is the house suitable for him - is your house owned/ can it be adapted? Is he selling a property to move to you or is he renting out his home - if so could he pay for carers from this income?

Id be very hesitant on taking on that role. There is caring about someone, and being a carer, and carers are professionals who choose to do the job. Its often far better to get them to do their job, whilst you are their partner.

TeaCosyApplePie · 27/02/2023 16:10

I'm married to a wheelchair user and it's a wonderful relationship, but you need to be very close and have a solid friendship in order to deal with the day to day. You will get looks and hushed whispers whilst you are out together, and people being rude. A strong sense of humour is required from both of you. Access is a constant battle and some places we just can't go together as a result. All the deep cleaning/heavy lifting/furniture shifting/gardening/lawn mowing/DIY and much of the housework falls to me. Are you prepared for that reality, or can you fund outsourcing these things? Holidays are a battle as airlines and public transport are a nightmare (lost wheelchair parts on flights) and going places means often multiple sessions lifting the chair in and out of the car (WAV is prohibitively expensive). Plus all the specific care and medical appointments- don't even get me started on the horrors of claiming PIP. Now my husband is very proactive and supportive and never takes out his frustrations on being in a chair out on me- if he was anything other that the great bloke he is it would be very hard. What if you end up with poor health? Living with two sets of disabilities much harder than one and you never know what life will throw at you. I would think twice about jumping into this head first without spending more time together given the long distance nature of this relationship.

TheShellBeach · 27/02/2023 16:10

Does he receive any money to pay for care?
Has he got live-in carers at the moment?

Xol · 27/02/2023 16:26

You do need to know what his medical prognosis is, and strokes can lead to vascular dementia.

lunar1 · 27/02/2023 16:35

Don't you already know if you are physically compatible?

I think it the height of insanity for someone with significant disability to move away from where they know and any type of support system.

My first husband used a wheelchair for the last years, I'm finding your post really odd. He's a person you are in a relationship with, not a random guy in a wheelchair.

Meterry · 27/02/2023 16:39

I suppose you could start by not reducing him to a wheelchair. Must be shit for him o have gone through that. I’d say leave him to find someone more compatible.

MySugarBabyLove · 27/02/2023 16:53

Take the wheelchair out of the equation for a minute. Yes it’s potentially relevant but….

Your fiancé is moving to be with you, it’s a long distance relationship, and you want to know about physical compatibility issues?

To me this sounds as if this is an internet relationship where you haven’t actually met. Because wheelchair or no wheelchair, you would know by now whether you were physically compatible if you’d actually been together physically.

Calling someone you essentially don’t know your fiancé is madness. If you don’t even know whether you’re going to be physically compatible you would be stupid to even think about moving him in.

And that has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that he may have care needs.

2bazookas · 27/02/2023 17:22

Have you ever met him in person?

Because if you had, surely you'd have a good idea of what his practical needs are
and some practice at helping him.

Why don't you go to where he is and spend a month living with him?

SittingNextToIt · 27/02/2023 17:29

Why are you getting married to somebody who is a long distance, apparent romance that you have not lived with? Answer that first, and then we can get into the business of the wheelchair.

MyriadOfTravels · 27/02/2023 17:31

Are you talking about someone who is in a wheelchair and totally unable to walk (or only a few steps) or someone who can walk 5 meters but can’t go out if the house Wo it?
Is he expecting you to be his carer? aka how complex are his disabilities ? Does he need a carer right now fir example?

I mean these are questions you should know and gave a pretty good idea about how much he manages or not on his own.

As fur sex (which I assume is what you mean by physical compatibility), if you are getting married, have you not had sex yet?

Carerer · 13/04/2023 16:02

This is going to sound really cruel and I suppose may depend on your age but I write as someone caring full time for an elderly parent.

There are no circumstances in which I would voluntarily put myself into a marriage or long term relationship with someone who had had a stroke and was in a wheelchair unless a full recovery were likely. I'm not a total bastard because if I were married already, I'd treat it as in sickness/health and not leave but you aren't in that situation. You have options. I would not voluntarily choose to enter a caring situation for life under any circumstances.

Caring is really REALLY hard. Unless you are flushed with cash, managing alone is tough, miserable, not really very rewarding, causes huge friction from time to time between carer and patient, and is very isolating.

Bear in mind if you have had one stroke, you are at great, great risk of having another one.

If you are young and saw children in your future, that will be even harder as you could be effectively a single parent caring for an adult as well as children.

I think if I were you, probably I would want to have a sense of what it would be like to live with him and care for him before he moved here. If you haven't already, I would travel to where he is and plan to stay for an extended holiday to get a sense of whether you could cope if this were your future and with the risk it would get worse.

You really need to be careful about what you decide and please don't approach this from a romantic 'but I lurrrve him' point of view. You need to get real and if you decide to stay, at least do it after some hard thinking, with your eyes open and not blinded by romance. You get one life and there are billions and billions of men in the world. Committing to a life time of caring is a huge step. It maybe for you but it may not be.

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