I’m in my late 50’s, married with two children under 12. One who has severe autism and requires alot of my attention and one who is now being assessed for ADHD. I gave up my job to care for my son a few years ago. My mum is in her 70’s and divorced. Mum has a lot of health problems and is in and out of hospital a lot. . She lived in sheltered accommodation until two years ago when she became so Ill that I was spending more time at her home than at my own house. I was often having to phone my Dh to come home from work to help me with the kids while I seen to mum. In the end asked my husband if he would mind if she came and lived with us as mum was in agreement. My mum moved into our three bedroom house. I put a stairlift in and brought other things like rails, commode etc to help. My autistic son sleeps in a single bed in our room and my other son is in another room.
It worked out alright for i while as when mum was really I’ll I was on hand to care for her. But in the last few months I found that I have become more and more depressed and overwhelmed with caring. I adore my dear mum but I was finding my relationship with her was becoming strained, which I had never felt before because my mum and I were always so close as I am an only child and was alway a devoted daughter. Like too peas in a pod! But living with mum lately has been very difficult she complains about her friends, is two faced and constantly complaining etc.
The council phoned a few months ago and offered my mum another sheltered house but we felt it wasn’t worth taking it because of mums continuous I’ll health.
Meantime, my mental health was deteriorating and I knew it was due to caring for mum as I changed my antidepressants twice and went to see a psychologist to talk about my situation. I guess I kept it to myself, not wanting to admit I was struggling.
Mum became unwell recently and I had to get an ambulance. I found myself struggling to care. It’s as though I’ve come to the end of my tether. In the hospital I felt numb, tired and couldn’t wait to get away! I have never felt like this before! I was thinking - I can’t do this anymore! I’m so tierd. The other voice in my head as saying- why are you thinking like this, what’s wrong with you! ( Before i always waited with mum, no mater how long it took).
When the nurses were attending to mum I told her I had to leave and I’d be back later.
Now mum is home and she has picked up. We have been bickering and falling out alot. I phoned my Gp and said that my antidepressants were not working and can I have another as I had increased the dose as per instructions with no effect. She asked how was things at home and I just poured out all my troubles about my caring role. She said that I needed to try and sort out caring for mum as I clearly wasn’t coping. She said that no antidepressants will help that I needed to address my situation. When I said to mum that the doctor wouldn’t change my meds it’s was down to my stress with caring for everyone. She disagreed with he doctor and said that I need to see someone, as she got antidepressants when she was really down. I did look at seeing a private psychiatrist but the fees were £550 for 1 1/2 hr visit. My husband told me that I wasn’t needing to see anyone. I just needed to sort out the situation.
It got so bad lately that I had to say to mum ‘do you think that you might like to have a little sheltered house of her own again. She was shocked and burst into tears. I didn’t want to hurt my dear mother but my own mental heath is deteriorating. I am always crying and I I still don’t want to admit to mum
that Im struggling having her living with us.
She has since been to see a sheltered house and now waiting to see if she will get it. It’s near our house and I have said to her that I will leave everything as it is and when she becomes Ill she is still welcome to come and stay until she feels better and then she can go home to her own house.
i am so sad that our relationship has deteriorated and I don’t want it to get worse. It also had an effect on my relationship with my husband as we had no privacy or time to talk.
Mum has been to see her ex partner who she still visits from time to time. She told me she told him what happened and she cried, and that he was shocked and he said he would never have thought that I would say to mum about taking another house especially when she doesn’t keep well. Now I feel I’m a bad person. Goodness knows
What he thinks? I’m sad about what’s happened and I wished I was braver to tell mum that I can’t cope with her living with us anymore. I feel that I don’t seem to get anything right. I’m i being unreasonable?