Help! Estranged parents going to home - and who sorts out their estate?

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Please can I ask for some advice? My estranged, alcoholic, narcissistic DM has now hit a point where she will have to go in a home. She was living alone after her recent divorce. I have not been in contact with her for about 6 years with the exception of a hospital visit last year.

I only know about the fall following a FB message from another estranged, angry distant relative who thinks I should sort out the estate because DM’s ex husband (they were only married briefly about 5 years ago) is doing this and no one thinks this is fair 🙄 on him.

I have a fair indication of DM’s finances and know she is heavily in debt and I suspect owes ex husband money. Sorting out her estate is going to be painful 😣. I don’t want to do it because it will be awful and triggering for me as the decision not to see her was a painful one, she was negligent and also abusive when I was little. Also, I did this for my alcoholic DF 10 years ago, I cared for him for 5 years and sorted out his messy estate (I was not the main beneficiary in the end), I know how awful it can be.

What I want to do is find out where she is and visit her in hospital or the home and no more. Does anyone have any experience of this? I’m thinking I will have to phone the hospital at some point and not get into discussions with SS. Can I do this? Could use a hand hold please as this is a horrible situation to be in?

Unless you are named as having Lasting Power of Attorney for finance and it’s been activated because she no longer has capacity you can’t just decide to “sort out the estate” without your mums express permission.

And even if she does name you, that doesn't mean you need to do it.

You don’t have to do this.

Honestly OP, block the ranty Facebooker and get on with your life. Protect your mental health.

I have a very unpleasant elderly mother and I sympathise. Don’t get sucked in.

She’s not dead, so you can’t sort out her finances, as a PP says, without power of attorney.

You’re estranged and have been no contact for many years.

There are other relatives who can get involved.

I would do nothing. You are under no obligation to her just because she gave birth to you. If your relationship has been abusive in the past don’t put yourself at risk.

I would wait for social services to contact you, then inform them firmly that you will not take responsibility for her.

Are you sure you want to see her at all?

Similar but different happened to me.

It was dementia based and horrendous. Also NC and v abusive childhood.

i visited once for myself and basically made it clear depite pressure that i refused to be involved in either care home selection, selling the house or anything of that nature. My sibling did the same. The house and car were just left until the inevitable happened. That was about 3 years later so relatively short.
I can't remember the tech term but i was basically expected tp be executor and beneficary of his will. I told the lawyer i wanted nothing to do with it and signed a document to renounce my role as executor when they died. Despite multiple wills none were signed (totally typical BS behaviour) so myself and siblings were sole beneficiaries.
My aunt/uncle dealt with it and ultimately i inherited some cash which both they and the solicitor seemed to think i should have gifted to aunt and uncle some of the solicitor emails were

The whole thing was crap but i was happy to finally close the door on it.

Thanks folks. I really needed this. I don’t want to be involved in her estate at all. My instinct is almost to rush in and sort this out but that’s the child of two alcoholic parents talking.

I guess there is a little soft bit of me that wants to see that she is settled in her nursing home and visit from time to time but that’s probably delusional as she will almost certainly be raging without her drink. ☹️

I deal with situations like this all the time.

I ask the person what family members they are happy for me to contact only only contact the people they give me permission to.

If when I contact those family members they make it clear to me that they don't want to be involved then I won't force them to be, unless they have a LPoA in which case they as a bare minimum need to take steps to relinquish the LPoA so that we can act out with them.

Under the Care Act 2014 the local authority has a duty to secure the op property and belongings of people going into a care home who has no one else to do it for them. However this an be as little as ensuring the doors and he windows are locked, taking an inventory of what's inside and checking periodically that it is still secure.

If your mum owns the property then the local authority may well take a charge out on it to pay for her care.

It depends on your mums mental capacity about what steps the local authority will take around the ongoing management of her finances /sale of her property while she is still alive.

as she will almost certainly be raging without her drink

People are allowed to drink alcohol in care homes/nursing homes. They aren't prisons!

The limiting factor is money. Care home residents are left with about £25 spending money a week from any income they have from pensions/benefits, so unless she has enough in savings to cover the cost of her care each week and plenty more on top then any alcohol she buys will have to come out of that £25 which also has to cover toiletries/hairdressing/chiropody etc.

Any visitors could bring her as much alcohol as they can carry though, proving your mum has capacity to request them to do so.

Thanks hatgirl - my DF didn’t fare too well in a care home. At one point he started throwing his poo at the carers - just as we were trying to figure out what to do next he collapsed and passed away. 😔

£25 is nowhere near enough and I don’t want to be called up for booze delivering at the drop of a hat. Or in any way on the hook if / when her behaviour gets out of hand.

At least I could call the home when she settles in and no more.

Thanks for your help all.