Caring for my MIL

[joystir59]

My mil lives with me. My DW, her daughter, died 6 months ago. MIL is 87 with limited mobility- never goes out. She also has some mental health issues which make it very difficult to discuss anything or get her to agree with anything as she gets paranoid or unrealistic. We get on well enough. She has her own bedroom,sitting room and bathroom, makes her own meals. I do her shopping cleaning and wash her clothes. I think fairly soon she will need help showering and I can see a gradual decline in what she can do and an increase in the help she will require. I cannot leave her alone overnight as she cannot get out of the house in an emergency and also gets scared, so a sleep in carer is needed. Mil will sometimes pay for additional care sometimes not. She has another daughter who does not live locally and who isn't close to her mum and who tried to suggest that because I'd been married to her sister is become her NOK! Daughter is prepared to arrange for her to be mil's poa but mil won't discuss this as she can make her own decisions at the moment.
MIL does not pay rent or make any contributions other than paying for how own food etc and she will also offer to pay for household shopping (cleaning products etc). She is in receipt of full state pension. I have savings but still work part time, and am 63, active and in good health. Mil has lived as part of our household for approx ten years. This arrangement has never been formalised. The house is owned outright by me. It was previously jointly owned by me and DW. I need some advice from someone, anyone who knows about housing law, and looking after the elderly- a) does my mil have any tenancy tights?
b) what do I do if something happens to me and I can't care for mil?

A: no, no rights.
B: call social services, they will have to find her somewhere else to live, maybe a old age home if her other daughter won’t step up.

I mean, things are ticking along ok at the moment and it's been comforting having her here- we've grieved together for her daughter, but I don't know what to do- she doesn't even make phone calls or answer the door. If I didn't come home one day I don't know what she would do, and she is just so passive and impossible to talk to about "what ifs". She hasn't and won't write a will. I can see that I'm just going to be trapped into caring for her or paying for care for her. I want some kind of life, I don't see why I should just have to care for her while her own daughter continues to have holidays and swan off care free.

So I need to think about putting in place provisions but what and how? Anyone been in position and what did you do?

Firstly, I'm sorry about your wife.

Ask for a social care assessment- your local authority should organise that. You can talk to them about what commitment you are, and are not, prepared to make. You can then leave the conversation with them, so you don't need to be directly involved. They can tell her about carers and when she says 'oh joy will help with that' they can say 'no, she hasn't agreed to do that' etc.

You need to look at things like separate access, could carers get in to see her without coming through your area, for example.

You need to consider the long term- and have that conversation with her daughter. This may be fine now, but you may wish to retire to the south of France, take up pole dancing and invite girlfriends in. And you have the right to do any and all of those things.

Don't try and have these conversations in one go. No one is in the frame of mind at the moment because of Covid, let alone still grieving your wife/their sister/daughter.

Just start the ball rolling. Say you've made a will/organised PoA yourself and need her to do the same so you don't need to worry about her etc.

I'm left making all the decisions. Her surviving daughter wouldn't even have her to stay for a week! My DW asked her. DW felt the burden of responsibility a great deal!!!

There's an elderly parent section here, you may find helpful. And a long running thread, I think it's the cockroach cafe, where people with care responsibility for elders keep company.

Bless you. Sounds like you need respite care, too, then. Are you claiming carer's allowance? I believe it's a gateway benefit.

Age U.K. are great at all this stuff. Have a look at their website. They will chat with you on the phone as well about various supports they can offer.

@princessbanana and @picklemewalnuts
Thank you for your responses which are helpful. I think within the next few months I need to write my own will, get my own affairs in order (covid puts these matters into focus!), And work out what I want. It's only six months and I've no idea what plans I may want to pursue. But you've given me useful info and ideas, thank you.

Just to add, it is quite wrong of her other daughter to assume the current arrangements will continue unchanged.
You don't need to throw your weight about and issue ultimatums, just work out what you want and move quietly in that direction.

When you talk about it, add a few 'of course' statements in there.
'Of course, I will want to have weekends away.'
'Of course, I may move when I retire'
'of course, I may want a fresh start somewhere in a few months.'
'Of course, if I'm made redundant then I'll be moving to the seaside and learning to spin dandelion leaves.'

Prefacing things with 'of course' seems to clarify people's minds somehow!

That's the key- working out what I want, and that's going to take time. X

Other daughter, my sil is terrified that I will deliver mil to her doorstep!

@joystir59

Other daughter, my sil is terrified that I will deliver mil to her doorstep!

I'm not surprised, she's got her cake and eating it!

The "of course" strategy is a very good gradual way forward.

My DMiL is in a care home but I'm the only one who visits (obviously, not at the moment) and does any shopping for her. I did the "of course, if I'm unable to ...... then one of you will have to do it" several times and her sons finally got the message and have agreed who will do what if I'm unable to!

Do you have a local unpaid Carers organisation? They will be able to talk you through everything regarding the social care assessments and financial ties.

I'm employed by one, some are within the LA others are organisations that have a contract with the LA to undertake Carers Assessments.

MIL will have finances assessed to contribute if she needs care.
I'd tell your SIL she either agrees to regular respite care by having her mum stay with her regularly and when you want holidays or you will be making moves to have mil move into other living arrangements such as residential care. Which will need to be funded by mil assets.