Not really a carer, but .....

[thatwastheriver]

I've been on MN for years, don't post much, but now I could do with some advice, or at least a bit of hand-holding. I've only just discovered this thread and I hope it's the right one. Most people seem to be caring for elderly parents, for me it's my OH.

I have been with him for 25 years, we're not married, he's 81 I'm 75. We've had a very bad year which has changed everything and we're both finding it hard to adjust. Before, we had an active life, we live abroad, we travelled a lot, we spent winter in another country with a good climate where I had lots of friends and a busy social life. we have a boat in each country, we were both fit and healthy. (BTW only able to afford this lifestyle because OH does all maintenance/repair work on house and boats).

Last May my daughter committed suicide. In October OH had a TIA (mini stroke). He has made a good recovery physically and still likes to work hard, gardening, making and mending and working on our boat. But mentally and emotionally he has changed a lot. His short term memory is terrible, he's getting very deaf, he gets confused and anxious. We're not using the boat because he has lost his confidence (and can't anyway with covid restrictions).

I don't know how much is to do with the stroke, or maybe his age and sometimes I worry that he is showing the first signs of dementia. I have always thought he has autistic tendencies . He's an engineer, so he has that very focussed problem solving intelligence which has stood him in very good stead in his working life and in our years of retirement when my life is often in his hands (in the boat and driving long distances). However, some of his tendencies have got much worse, especially difficulty with change, and our life has changed completely (and of course the virus/lockdown/masks etc haven't helped).

I have always had my areas of responsibility, all the domestic stuff but also finance, communications and admin (which is quite challenging in a foreign language). Now he is compounding all the other things that are difficult for him by constantly worrying about me. I spend quite a lot of time on the internet, I enjoy the admin work but just because he would hate having to do it he thinks I'm having to work too hard. I have told him that some of the time I'm browsing, on Mumsnet, following up my interests in books, films and politics, or just watching Netflix but it doesn't help. And if I didn't have this admin work I'd feel like a 1950's housewife!

For my part I'm still feeling terribly sad about my daughter, it has nearly broken me, and I admit that I'm not as patient as I could be with him. I find it hard to keep things from him that I know he'd worry about because I am a chatterbox and can't keep secrets. I find it hard to chat lightheartedly because he often misinterprets things and secretly picks away at them and makes assumptions that emerge days later. He often says he can't make a decision, so I take one and follow up, then he micromanages me. He can't bear me to talk about my feelings of grief and sadness because it upsets him and he can't fix it (I think he has an awful lot of sadness from the past, all bottled up). The result is that I withdraw and that makes him anxious ... it's a vicious circle and we can't seem to help each other.

No question of LTB, I don't think he can help it. I feel sorry for him, but more sorry for myself. I don't know what I want from this thread but it has helped to write it down and maybe some handholds would be nice. I haven't got much support here, my best friends are in UK and can't visit, I can talk to them on the phone but it's not the same. Thanks to anyone who's read this very long post.

for the loss of your daughter.
... and a handhold for everything you've had to deal with this year.
I became my DH's carer when he was terminally ill. I had no absolutely doubt about taking on that role.
What helped me was (1) the support of others who understood what I was going through and (2) having occasional treats and time out.
Hope you are able to find peace in all this.

I didn't want to read and not reply, you're the same age as my mum abs she's struggling with my dad right now, he sounds very similar, even down to the micromanaging.

I really don't know how to help other than to say I'm so so sorry about your daughter, do you have friends you could talk to about this? Or could you while doing your admin find some online counselling for yourself, just a space to talk about everything that's going on, not as I think you need it specifically but maybe a space to offload all of your thoughts and fears?

All I can say is I know how hard it is to see the mental decline of someone you love who used to have such a sharp mind. My dh is the smartest person I know. I had to watch both his mental sharpness and eyesight decline quite quickly over the course of about 20 months. Just before his operation it got so bad he would forget some names, forget what he had been told and then insist I had never told him things. It made work very hard for him and his colleagues. He used to get so angry with himsrlf when he couldn't think of the word he wanted to say as well. Eventually he had lost over half of his eyesight in both eyes. Then his turn came up for having brain tumour removed. The operation was a risk as growth was growing in/around optic nerves. I was told the operation would take 3-4 hours but it took 8 1/4 hours. The operation was a success though DH got all of his vision back and I would say 95 percent of mental sharpness back. I was so grateful to surgeon who got him in for operation in early March, just before Covid struck.

Could it be time to sell boats or pay someone else to be crew when you go on them? It is important for you.not to lose contact with your friends in other country. I hope you Skype them. We have a house in France and it is hard to explain about a blocked drain or some such thing in a second language. I try to photograph the problem if I can.

Once you get the vaccine and can both get out and about more you will feel better. Just a thought but are you both getting enough Vitamin D3 with staying in more this year? DH and I are both taking supplements and it keeps you mind more agile and you feel less tired too. I hope your DH feels better soon. I always think people feel better in the summer.

Thank you so much, each of you have given me something to think about, and I appreciate the handholds. to all of you going through similar experiences.

I will respond to you all together: the boat in Spain is definitely going to be sold. Not much point in advertising it yet though, when nobody can travel. I think it will go quite quickly, it will be cheap because it doesn't owe us anything. If covid restrictions are lifted we could go to it in March or April for the three months we'll be allowed post Brexit just to enjoy being on board. We have a lot of support down there. I think the other one here in France will have to go eventually, with the same provisos, but at least OH can go to it and potter around. His whole life has been in boats, professionally and personally, so it would be a terrible blow not to have one at all. He talks about a small fishing boat, that could be a possibility.

Skyping is a good idea, I used to do it with my daughter and it does feel as if you're making more of a connection than with a phone call or email. I will progress this.

We are taking vitamin D3 and you're right, lack of sunshine is an issue for OH. In his working life he was at sea a lot, where there is always more light, and we have spent winters in southern Spain for the last 12 years.

The organisation where my daughter used to work offers bereavement counselling (on line because I'm abroad), I thought I wouldn't need it but I might well follow that up. thank you for suggesting it, I'd forgotten all about it.

I'm so sorry you have so much to cope with.
Survivors of bereavement by Suicide - SOBS, has a website and a national helpline open 9am to 9pm Mon-Sun 0300 111 5065
Carers UK have a website that can point you in the direction of support and information in your own area.

Thinking of you both in this difficult time.