Mum soon to move into annexe-advice on how to manage it all

[soontobecarer]

Hi there, I hope this is a good place to post. My dad died recently and he used to care for my mum. She is nearly 80 and has lots of health issues and isn't particularly mobile and has poor eyesight. We are converting our garage to a small one bed flat and she thinks she does want to move in.

I'm feeling increasingly anxious about it. It is right and I am up for it, but am nervous about how much impact her living here will have.

She says she's very flexible, and doesn't want to be a burden but scratch the surface and the things I think I will find tricky start to surface.

One of my big concerns is how to manage the finances. We will be able to cover the costs of the build from inheritance, but the reality is that we will be quite stretched, while mum will have a very healthy pension, a valuable flat where she currently lives and I want to be able to neither exploit her, nor fund her.

What is is fair for her to contribute? She gets full attendance allowance on top of state and occupational pension, plus will have massive inheritance from dad.

I don't think she understands finances really, having had everything dealt with by dad.

It's hard to put my finger on why I think it will be challenging, but it's things like the way she pronounces so strongly on things.

Has anyone been in a similar position and got good ground rules/systems set up from the get go, or has any advice on how to raise subjects like finances/boundaries of time and help?

This would all be very different if I knew she was struggling financially-we wouldn't hesitate to tighten our belts and get on with it.

No help I’m afraid but following as about to be in a similar situation. To be fair, my expectation is that mum will cover the cost of the build if she wants to be here and any associated extras ( any problems affecting the garden thereafter) perhaps sounds callous but can not afford as childcare costs for 3 atm and she’s like bloody rockerfeller in comparison to us...

Maybe suggest she rents out her flat initially, rather than sell, so she can have a trial period and see how it all works out, and then pays you rent on a comparable market rent basis so there will be income from her (larger) flat above the amount she pays you in rent. That way it won't actually cost her anything.

I'd also suggest now might be a time to discus obtaining a Lasting Power of Attorney in case her condition deteriorates and you need to provide extra carers for example, that will need paying for.

Is she going to cook/shop/clean for herself? Or are you going to be cooking for her? Will you shop for her? etc. How many trips out in the car (doctors, chemist, shopping, friends, clubs etc) will you need to take her on? I'd also take this into account.

Also will the separate flat have its own council tax? Water/power? Or add to your bill?

I'd also ensure she has 'her space' and you have 'your space' by suggesting some ground rules with regard to the kids not just breezing into Grandma's flat that you can reciprocate the other way so she isn't always just lurking in your space as it were.

The first thing that needs to be taken care of is you having power of attorney and that her will is sorted. This needs to be done immediately before she becomes incapable of making these decisions.

Thanks all. I agree re power of attorney. Ive learnt more about it and though mum wouldn't need or be ready for us to be in charge of her finances yet, it needs to be ready. She has had a stroke before and could have another.

I know what you mean about being like Rockerfeller! Mum is getting a bit better-certainly progress since last time I posted, but really still thinks she's like a church mouse when she's got massively higher income than we have, certainly given she is mortgage and dependent free.
I'm getting better signals that she understands this though. She has contributed willingly and proactively towards build costs recently and has offered more. So I don't think it's a stretch to ask for ongoing contributions. Fingers crossed. I don't feel as anxious as I did when I posted a couple of months ago. That's progress in itself!

Do you have siblings?

Have you had any valuations done as to how much it will increase the value of your home? If it isn't that much then I think it would be unfair for you to have to foot the majority of the bill. You need to have some very straight conversations with your mum about finances, don't drift into things with no clear agreement.

If I'm totally honest, having been through the shattering experience of having a relative with dementia - and all the hideous stress, worry and exhaustion that brings - I would be very reluctant to move someone into my home (albeit in an annexe) unless they signed a Lasting Power of Attorney and ensured that their will was sorted too. I would also think very, very carefully as to whether this really was going to be of benefit to everyone - including my children. Think about things like whether you will be able to do anything as a family without your mum being involved. How easy will it be to go off on holiday, for example? Would your mum make you feel guilty if you didn't involve her in everything? Will your children have to change their life - ie where they play, how noisily and for how long - in order not to disturb your mum?

Everyone says they don't want to be a burden but age really changes people and older people do inevitably start to rely on you. My relative was the most independent person you could find but it got to the point she wouldn't let me out of her sight and my whole life revolved around her. If you are having doubts already then listen to your gut. You don't have to move your mum in in order to care for her, there are lots of ways you could care for her just as well.

OP
I would seriously urge you to consider assisted living accommodation. If you mother was ten years younger - great.
But given age and health - this is is not going to go well

How big is the garage, will it be self contained?

Do you work/have young children? How much time will you be able to spend with her? Will she spend most of her time on her own in the annexe?

Would it not be better to move into sheltered accommodation so she can have her own space, but also a community around her?

What are the plans for bills, laundry, housework, cooking and eating? Will she want shared meals with you? Will you be 'running round with the hoover and making her bed?

I think you need a really clear understanding of whether she is either living with you or next to you and sort bills as either a proportion of your shared household expenses (e.g. ask for an equal split of utility bills etc) or as rent based on what the room would cost a lodger.

If she has no idea about bills then just tell her what you think is fair and help her set up her direct debit.

All very sensible points. I suspect that mum might decide the space is too small and want to move, but it does have a proper kitchen/living room, a good sized shower room and a good double bedroom. So it is big enough.
I imagine she will carry on having the twice weekly (increases with need) personal care and will take taxis to get places. I do know there will be quite a lot of "could you just?" moments, but she cooks for herself and also has specialist microwave/oven meals for the off days she doesn't feel like it.
I anticipate her getting a cleaner too. She wants a washing machine, but no space, so I will put her washing through but give it to her to hang up.
Lots more the think through, but I think it can work.

Are you intending to become her carer?
Do you have other responsibilities; work and/or children?
I think this could be very challenging indeed even before you start thinking about the finances.
I'm afraid I wouldn't be willing to become my mother's carer, some might judge me for this but I don't think there would be any point forcing myself to do something that would make me utterly miserable and damage our relationship at the end of her life.
I'd much prefer to help her make practical arrangements including an appropriate professional carer.

Not the plan to be her carer, not at all. She doesn't want that, I don't want to do it. She already has a carer twice a week to help her, well more be there to check she's safe, showering and she can afford to increase this as she needs to. She will have a cleaner. She currently cooks her own meals but has Wiltshire farm food meals for odd days when she doesn't feel like it/able to. I will put her washing through the machine-she currently does her own but no room in kitchen of her annexe for machine. I will give it back to her wet to hang/fold etc.

Her needs probably will increase, but there are funds to increase caring needs. I imagine I'll take her shopping. But equally, she can get dial a ride/taxi if she prefers independence.

Boundaries are important. Our kids tend to play in front rather than back, but aren't terribly noisy. She will need to learn to save small queries that she used to ask dad about, but to be honest, lockdown has helped with this because people couldn't pop in and out freely then.
And if she doesn't like living here, she has funds to buy/rent a sheltered place nearby and we'll gain a space for guests.
Who knows-we might not be the ones wanting her to leave-she might hate living on site with us!

Does she have a social life (possibly pre COVID)?

You have to be very careful not just to base things on how your mum is now because things can change very quickly and very dramatically. For example, your mum could become ill with dementia and start refusing her carers, she could start to refuse to wash herself, stop allowing a cleaner in and be unable to make her own food. Very quickly you will become her full-time carer, leaving you absolutely no respite at all. You cannot force someone to have carers, to wash themselves or clean their house. She could start going outside looking dirty and dishevelled and your neighbours will notice and comment on it. Social Services will virtually ignore you unless you threaten to kick your mum out (could you do that?) then they will pile guilt on you for doing that in the hope you will buckle and just accept your lot. It isn't possible for someone to be made to go into a home unless they are a danger to themselves or others. The bar for 'danger to themselves or others' is set pretty high - in my relative's case she set part of her house alight and was still considered to have mental capacity.

On top of this your mum could have a complete personality change. She could believe you are stealing from her. She could lose her inhibitions and start stripping off or believe she is married to your husband and you are his mistress. She could ring you forty times a day or tell the doctor or Social Services you hit her. I know this sounds extreme but it happens quite often and it is heartbreaking and can make your life a living hell.

I don't say this to say you are wrong or discourage you, just to give you pause for thought before you make such a momentous decision. Good luck whatever you decide to do.

MayDay food for thought. All of that could happen. The thing is, it could all happen when she's a hundred miles away too (maybe not the husband thing...) and my life would be full of four hour round trips to sort her out. None of this is totally ideal, but I think this is the best or at least least non ideal. That makes me sound as if I'm breezing away concerns, I'm absolutely not. I'd most like my dad to still be alive and looking after mum. This is next best.
I have definitely thought through the neighbours thing. I didn't feel nice about the idea of being embarrassed if mum's behaviour became weird, but I know I would.

Ineedaholidaynow - she does have a social life now. Very long term friends, mainly through church. I'm optimistic that she will find activities when she moves here, but not kidding myself that this will be a tricky part of it.

@soontobecarer that is why sheltered housing could be a better solution. We moved DM closer to us when DF died. Late 80s, mobility not great, can walk but not far.

She lives in sheltered housing, didn’t know anyone else but us in the area, but had made some really nice friends there. Pre COVID they had quite a few activities and trips which helped her get to know people, as she is not very confident so waits for people to talk to her first. Obviously most of that is on hold now, but they still have socially distanced chats in the communal areas and in the gardens. So not completely on her own.

Do you have any siblings? So many times there are issues with jealous siblings thinking you're trying to muscle in on a bigger inheritance by caring for the parent.

Sheltered housing may well happen. I guess I'm just glad we can get her here, even if it ends up being short term, without having to sell her flat, buy another all in one hit.

Don't think the siblings will mind-the one who's been local recently very much looking forward to relinquishing the responsibility

For sheltered housing you need to be reasonably independent before you move in, you can have carers but they are not care homes

Mum would definitely fit that category. She lives alone, cooks for herself and has carer twice a week. She's also very good at contacting age uk or similar to find out what support is available. Who knows if/when this might change, but she's definitely not in need of a care home yet.

@Waytoomuch82

OP I would seriously urge you to consider assisted living accommodation. If you mother was ten years younger - great. But given age and health - this is is not going to go well

I agree with this. She would make friends there and have the company of people her own age. There wouldn't be any resentment on either side.

Well, mum has been here for nearly two weeks. Fine from my point of view. I think she is finding the adjustment hard, but it's not the best time for anyone now because all the social activities she could get to are off because of covid. She doesn't need a carer now to help her shower because the space works well. But I have encouraged her to book an age uk home carer because they do more than just clean/tidy. She needs company that isn't me or the family and I'm sure she'll get there once covid stops preventing things, but for now, she needs a replacement for the chat she would have when the cleaner/carer came.
I don't know if I'm being too boundary focused, but I know this can't work if I spend all day everyday with her. We pop in at least three times a day, invite for Sunday lunch and I take her shopping and we have a coffee.
If I do more, I'll struggle to keep it up long term and she'll be too dependent on me.
Ultimately, she absolutely can decide she wants to be back where she was before, but I hope she will settle. I think she might have thought this would be more cosy than it is, but we have both always said she's living independently but close. Time will tell whether she wants that. I hope that doesn't sound brutal-but I need to make sure this/mum doesn't become the burden she herself says so often she wants to avoid.