Who cares for the carers?

[Northernsoulgirl45]

I am at breaking point. I have a dh with a condition which means he can do very little physically to help around the house. We also have a dd with mental health/ school attendance issues which I largely deal with on my own. I am definitely at breaking point. Yet often I feel when I post that dh should always take priority as he is ill. So how do I mpve forward. Any tips from fellow carers? Thank you

Be happy you are healthy...I have severely disabled DS aged 10, DS12 with ASD and DH with MS. My life revolves around caring for others. Last year I injured my back quite dramatically and found I have degenerative disc disease and has a spinal fusion with the insinuation that things will only get worse!!!
I'm enjoying my time being the carer and not the cared for!!

I wish I was fully healthy i suffer from asthma, irritable bowel and sciatica and I am seriously stessed right now. Eg I can't stop crying. Tjink I need a doctors appointment in the morning.

Sounds hard ice.

@IceBearRocks well that’s hardly helpful is it! It’s people like you that make it so difficult for carers to reach out for help when they’re struggling.

@Northernsoulgirl45 life as a carer is so tough, we need to try and find time for ourselves, we know this but it’s so damn hard. Does your husband need full time care/supervision or can he be safely left unattended? (Sorry, this sounds very patronising). If you can leave him alone and this is practical for you something as simple as sitting in a supermarket cafe/coffee shop for half an hour with a hot drink can make a difference.

It is so important to protect your own mental health and put yourself first on a regular basis during the week. Burning out is so common within the caring community.

Is there a local carers group you could contact? They might advertise in the library or on FB. Sometimes just sharing the stress and pressure of the mental load can help.

Cant adult social care send him carers and you go to work instead?

OP, I don't have any advice to add to Maitlandgirl's, but just wanted to say you are not alone, being a carer is very very hard at times.

He doesn't need full time care thankfully. I fo work in a self employed capacity part time but dds issues are reducing my availability whoch is adding pressure. Think I will book gp appointment in the morning as I can't stop crying.

OP, is there nothing he can help out with in the house? Are there any small tasks that he could manage? Does he get DLA or PIP which you could use to pay towards some help in the house?

I hope your GP can help, it sounds as though you are really struggling. Try to get some sleep if you can.

Please do go to the GP you need to look after yourself otherwise you will be unable to help either dh or dd. Take care of yourself

How are you. OP?

In answer to your title - nobody 😔

If we all stopped tomorrow the government would collapse, yet we go unnoticed, they have us over a barrel because they know we wouldn't stop caring as we love the people we care for. This means that they don't need to provide any support or help because we will do it regardless, so why waste their money 😔

The problem is that it works us down to the point that the carers often need caring for themselves, mentally and/or physically because there is only so long we can keep going, burning the candle at both ends and ignoring our own needs

We don't think he is ill enough to qualify for any benefits although I think he should try.
We tried before for dd and was turned down too.
I do think dh could probably do a bit more but he is wiped out when he gets home from work. He works in an office.
At least he can drive at the moment
I am late forties but had dc late so still have a 6 year old.
Think I am going to apply for a carers grant.

@Maitlandgirl I'm not really sure what I've said that stops carers reaching out....I think you are being harsh here!
Positivity helps a lot and having been cared for with my Degenerative disc disease, I much prefer being the carer! We are a very complex family with lots if extra needs and a child that uses a hospice due to disabilities.....
I could just been down and depressed or I could keep as calm and confident as I can! I've been through the depressed bit....I'm 10 years into full time caring ..... !

@icebearrocks I think what @maitlandgirl means is that being told to be thankful that they are healthy or not a wheelchair user or whatever diminishes their feelings. As soon as I read your reply I thought, oh here we go again; I don't matter.

A lot of carers are carers because they have to do it not because they want to and also because it is the right thing to do. We can't walk away.

We aren't allowed to discuss our feelings. We aren't allowed to have a moan. To be honest it really pisses me off to be told to count myself lucky that it isn't me that needs the caring. Do people really think I don't know this?

Never judge until you have walked a mile in someone's shoes and all that.