Dad in hospital, mum has gone to pieces, struggling to cope with everything

[Foslady]

Not sure if this is the place to post but has anyone else been through this?
Mum never really worked other than a few hours when she wanted, basically she’s been left to do whatever she wanted throughout her life. Even as kids her hobbies and friends cane before anything else (including sometimes cooking at lunchtime as we had to walk home have lunch and go back all within an hour with a 20min walk home from school). She never seems to have grasped that my sister and I have to work (both were single mums at significant points for many years so we’re the only breadwinners) as well as run homes and keep our family lives together and can’t just drop everything at a minutes notice.
Dad is now in hospital after having a minor stroke, but he’s had added complications and is very confused (not sure what exactly happened but everything is beginning to settle now thankfully as they have found a root cause) but no one knows just how well he will return mentally.
My sister who has been amazing and I work full time - we need to to pay the bills - and live 10 miles away from her and the hospital. When it first happened my sister ended up taking 2 weeks leave and had mum stay with her. She now has had to return to work and mum has insisted on going home. But now it’s harder work than ever.
I’m currently working flexible at work (6-2’s, unpaid half days when needed etc) and one or two other people are helping getting her to the hospital but it’s as if she’s checked out.
She’s not taking in basic instructions.
She’s had appointments made for her with the Stoke association to talk and hopefully get counselling and then when we ask how it went said no one contacted her and when she asked about the physio person (??????) was told nothing was arranged for that day (no, it wouldn’t be mum!)
I ring her at night to check in with her, ask her how she is and replied ‘lonely’ - well there is an open invite to go back to my sisters but she refuses.
She’s not cooking properly.
When at the hospital it was a choice of a sandwich or nothing (bearing in mind she’s diabetic) dithered as she’s low carb’ing and well it’s bread (either that or a hypo mum.....).
I have a 16 yr old at home who has just started 6th form, a partner who works away a lot during the week, a 20 mile journey at the end of the working day to get to mum and the hospital and I’m knackered trying to fit all this in along with the ‘Can you just run me to.......’ s. The last straw was when I managed to get someone to call the next day in the morning to look to rip out the bath and put a shower in for if dad gets back (and to be honest mum needs it too, she’s not safe climbing in and out) and her reply was ‘but I go shopping tomorrow...,,’ her food cupboards are stuffed and I said I would take her.
She refuses to get taxi’s as doesn’t want to be alone with a stranger in a car up to the hospital and will just say she doesn’t know what to do.
She’s not doing anything at home - my sister cleaned the bathroom and it was filthy, she refuses to get a cleaner as she is in her view capable of doing it but when me and my sister crack and sort it out there’s no thanks and weeks later it’s as bad again. It’s as though she has checked out of life and expects us to run it for her following her every whim.
Sorry - this is rambling but I’ve been up for 4 hours already knowing I have an afternoon of all this to come
We don’t know what to do. If we approach her we know we’ll get the same as if ever we pull her up on her behaviour - tears and ‘it’s always my fault/ I’m stupid/I should know better/I’m a victim’.
I totally get that she is floundering. I honestly don’t think she’s ever thought about life without dad despite his ongoing health issues, and we don’t know if he will get home despite trying to stay optimistic but if she carries on like this there’s no chance of it.
Any ideas on how to move forward? We are being gentle with her, she’s suffering, but so are we both for dad and now her, we have lost them both right now

How old are they both?

Dad is 84, mum is 77 but three weeks ago they were both just like older versions of you and me - if we’d have suggested they needed help they’d had told us not to be daft!

Maybe social services? I guess they'd want to assess before your dad gets home (if that's the plan) anyway, so could maybe suggest other supports if needed for her too.

Oh dear, this sounds really hard. My lovely boss is in the same situation except her DPs live further away and she is an only child.

I think you just need to do what you can, whilst encouraging her to do things for herself. Try to switch off a bit emotionally if you can. My DPs don't seem to realise that I work and I think for most people, on e they get to a certain stage, they find it hard to appreciate others circumstances.

Be kind to yourself and at least you have Dsis to discuss strategies with and share the load.

I though about getting her to meal plan - something she’s never done - before I take her shopping and getting her to make some meals to go in the freezer ‘for when dad is home’, that way she has a focus and is doing something practical (took me years to discover meal plans and shopping lists!!!).
I think I just need to get her to focus on one thing at the moment that she can see she’s caring for him

It is really really hard. Try and get as much support as you can. You can only do so much otherwise you will become Ill and then will be no use to your parents.

We’ll encouraged by everyone here I talked to her. Told her we know she’s floundering, how all she does is look after dad.......and she admitted she was. So I suggested that if she wanted to still care for him whilst he’s in hospital to start batch cooking and freezing meals as she’ll be too busy when he gats home......bake a cake or some buns......and it seems to have worked 🤞. I took her shopping after she said what she had used this past week, and we got some bits in to make some meals......and then she remembered some personal care stuff we’d been asked to get dad that I had forgotten about.
I also suggested that if she was lonely she could maybe have one or two nights back at my sisters (spoke to sister previously and she had said it was ok!), so hopefully now we have given her a purpose again she might start to get herself back on her feet.
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, and to give me the courage to talk to her about it, feeling cautiously optimistic......

Back to square one with mum.
I am rough right now - awful over the weekend and still it right now. I spoke to her Sunday and said I didn’t think I’d be in at work tomorrow (yesterday) if I felt like this. She had plans to go to her craft club, bus into town, lunch at a little cafe that a he likes then go to the hospital and I would pick her up at the end of visiting. 9am she rang - ‘what’s happening today? I’m busy washing clothes so not going to the club, when are you pick me up? I’m so lonely here on my own’. She never even acknowledged I was ill until I drop her off home and said as an afterthought she hopes I was better from my cold soon....... When I pointed out so did I as I felt so rough there was silence followed by It should maybe have gone on the bus. I was stupid. I should have thought......
She didn’t think it was important to have her mobile phone switched on and when I asked about her getting a taxi home when I am back at work as I don’t want her waiting in the cold and dark for 2 buses plus the walk after I got the ‘face’ and snapped at even though my sister has backed me up totally on this one yhat she didn’t expect us to do everything for her (despite actions speaking louder than words).
Oh, and to cap it all I discovered dad was assess yesterday, questions asked to him and mum said he struggled to answer. When I asked if he had his hearing aids in she went quiet. Then when she was asked if he had dementia said that he asks her what day it is sometimes than half an hour later asks again as if it’s a constant thing - it happens when he is stressed but did she say that? No - so the assessment wasn’t representative and now my sister and I have to see if we can get this through that he might not have been fairly assessed. If he has sudden onset dementia then fine, but he should be given a fair chance.
Sorry but I have nowhere else to say all this, I’m not well and whilst she is grieving for her husband and am now grieving for my dad AND trying to sort her needs and manage her grief too.
And hold down a job, relationship, family, my sanity......

Really hard to go through.
DH and my parents live 8 hours away by car.
Both my Mum and his Dad have had extended hospital stays this year.
DH has taken time off this week to be with his Dad for an at home assessment for help at home.
I was there for 2 weeks earlier in the year when Mum broke her hip.
Good luck with everything

I’m so sorry for you, I understand how you feel. I’ve been in a similar state with my mother who insisted on trying to live independently when she clearly needed carers, but constantly complained about them.

In desperation I told her that my sister and I were incredibly stressed by her attitude. I think that because we were seemingly coping and sorting things out for her, she really wasn’t getting the bigger picture.

I was sick of driving up and down to her, it was an hour each way. I dreaded the phone ringing. I know how you feel.

Hugs

Is the main issue that she expects you to take her to the hospital every day for visiting? Your posts are very long.

My Mum is 88 and has to take a taxi when she wants to go anywhere at all .. she has got to know the local taxi drivers and has the direct numbers of 2 in her purse who she trusts implicitly. As she's got older she relies quite heavily on Marks and Spencer ready meals and has a small fruit and veg box delivered and bread and milk delivered by the milkman. All her other shopping she does online (I used to do it for her before she bought her own tablet). A cleaner (who she now considers a good friend) comes for 2 hours every other week. All of this is necessary because I live 75 miles away and my brother 50 miles away from her. I think you need to start saying no to the daily lifts. Can you get in touch with a local taxi firm and see if they have any women drivers. Don't start doing her cleaning!

When my dad died if a very short illness, my mum went to pieces much like yours has. What became slowly clear was that he had been shouldering and hiding the fact that she had not been coping for a while. She was obstinate and very very demanding of my sister (I live 300 miles away) and once told her very matter of factly that my sister would have to be her carer now and move in. She's now in a care home and for the most part is very happy - she treats it at home. She has dementia, not Alzheimer's - her memory is pretty good, but she struggles with planning. She has trouble working things out, numbers are a blur, and she regularly hallucin
hhf ates and has paranoid delusions. I'm not saying that this will be your mum's fate, but the familiarity of your dad being around all the time and making day to day decisions could have exacerbated things. It might be time to have a conversation with them about moving to a sheltered scheme where they can live independently but in a safer more manageable environment.

Sorry for the typos, phone froze there. Hopefully you can decode the above!

It must be such a worry for you. I don’t have any parents so I will never be in this position, but I have friends and distant relatives in the same situation.

As hard as it sounds, you must keeping putting your needs first, in order to be fit to help your mum.

You sound a lovely, caring daughter. But as others have said perhaps some input of other health care professionals could support your mum. Have you spoken to her GP who maybe able to help.

I hope your dad is better soon and things improve for you and your mum.

Sorry the posts are long - it’s not the intention, it all seems to come out at once.
I think it’s mainly the mix of her saying one thing and then doing another and expecting me and my sister to just pick up the pieces (but then that’s not new, just more prominent now and more often). I think because she didn’t really work and could (and did) go over to her parents whenever she/they wanted she sort of assumes this too but then denies it’s the case when we say we can’t.
With regard to taxi’s it seems to be a mixture of then been a luxury that’s too expensive (they are NOT short of money for taxis - care home will be another issue but not taxi’s) and now she’s got it into her head she doesn’t want to be in a car with a stranger (I’m not suggesting the female only driver option with her, there’s not that many in the town and I am not giving her an excuse!).
I feel as if I’m being a terrible daughter but I have to work and have my life too

Seeing dad’s consultant today for a dreaded update . Mum can’t make it as she has a GP’s appointment which we have refused to let her cancel as it’s a follow up appointment and her surgery is very busy (I’m still not well and my sister is delaying a break).
I think the ladies from the Stroke Association are also in today so hopefully will see them

And for anyone out there who is/has gone through this my admiration and sympathy to you all.
Thank you everyone who has posted

foslady sending strength for today. Sounds like you have so much on. I found hospital social worker v useful talking to mum re discharge.... and sorting help such as assessment, mobility aids etc.
Carers association were great re applying for attendance allowance-=or age uk that helps fund taxis etc. Not means tested.
But protect yourself. You are doing an amazing job but can’t take it all on and you and your family matter. 🌺🌺

I think if you feel your mum can do more then you need to step back. Not easy I know but otherwise you are going to run yourself into the ground. Give her the taxi numbers. Offer to arrange a cleaner for her. And then switch off your phone and let her get on with it. If you are concerned she has other health issues / dementia going on write to her GP outlining your concerns. But this may just be the shock of your dad being unwell and her struggling to process it. If you keep picking up the pieces she won’t learn how to cope on her own. I know how difficult it is - had similar situations with my own mum complicated by me having a disabled child so I just couldn’t provide care for her. I had to disengage. I did do a lot of chasing care agencies and eventually got her into a nice nursing home through continuing health care on the NHS but there was no way I could keep running around after her.

I think she has learnt to expect everyone else to sort things out for her and if you keep doing it she will never have to do it for herself so there is no incentive for her to try.

Sounds like your mum is really in a pickle without your dad. It must be so hard for you. I recommend contacting your local carers’ association for support. They will give you practical advice and and opportunity to express how you are feeling.

Good luck with the consultant appt today. Hope you get good news.

Is the main issue that she expects you to take her to the hospital every day for visiting? Your posts are very long

If you can't even be arsed to read op's posts why on earth bother replying? Ffs.

Op, I really.feel for you. We had to deal with this with my grandmother. Used to a life of being looked after, of everyone running around after her and fixing all her many, many stupid actions (running up credit card debt on clothes, shoes, bags etc that she never used because she just had to have the handbag, just had to have those shoes - she had never bothered learning to budget and was very vain and thought she deserved a lifestyle she couldn't afford and got angry when everyone else was left to deal.with the consequences). We loved her dearly, but none of us could afford the petrol half the time to get to her when she wanted driving somewhere (she bought a house in the middle.of nowhere because she "needed a house with a garden and 5 rooms" even though she couldn't do the stairs and couldn't clean it so expected us to do it for her). She wouldn't take advice. Refused to make cutbacks. Refused care. Refused buses because she was a snob. There's no easy solution. When they're stubborn/manipulative (which your mum sounds like, deliberately saying things to make you feel bad), what can you do??

Nextphonesontbesamsung
"Your posts are very long"......so what!!
The op needs somewhere to ask for ideas/help, if some one on here can share their experience and offer advice, that's fine..

Op going through something similar myself, haven't got much experience/advice to give unfortunately..
just a virtual hand hold here.

Although I understand how you feel , your mum is older than I imagined from your first post . She could well have early signs dementia because it often goes unnoticed until a crisis happens . Both my mum and mum in law had it and this rings many bells . They may well have relied heavily on each other and you don't notice the little things as we didn't with my parents . I don't think you are terrible daughters but , I don't think your mum is being calculatingly awkward and you are going to have to find a balance between insisting on some things she doesn't like for the good of all of you, and cutting her some slack . I have to say from experience this will be a rocky road ,good luck and I hope your dad does make a good recovery x

@jessycake we have wondered too re early dementia after the last few weeks.......
Going to try and get in touch with Age Concern and the local Carers Association (thank you to PP’s who have suggested this).
I think it will be a reassessing day today, and theN look to move forward (It’s not helping me being full of cold so not wanting to go on the ward at the moment.).
I think long term we may end up trying to find a home that can accommodate both of them at this rate - sell the house and fund care so we know they are both looked after and mum isn’t lonely or feeling guilty about being apart from dad.

But that decision is for another day.