My dad is too proud to get help for my mum

[Ripeberry]

Hi, my dad is caring for my mum at the moment and i've not been able to visit for a month and what i saw today was shocking.
My mum was walking around in urine soaked trousers and the house stank of it, the bed was soaking and her chair downstairs.
My dad, just does not seem to notice that my mum is getting worse, he just says she is too lazy to go to the loo.
My mum has got demetia and had fortnightly injections of anti-phycotic drugs.
When its just him and my mum in the house she screams at him all the time, but the worse thing is that she does not want anyone to wash her and she does not want to wash herself and my dad says she has not had a bath or shower for almost 2 months!
When i saw her as i said it was shocking and my dad was clearly stressed as he started to snap at me.
I was visiting with my two dd aged 5 and 2 and my husband and quite frankly i don't think i'm going to take them again as its too upsetting.
The social worker comes round every week and she must have noticed the deterioration in her condition but they never do anything about it.
What has to happen, my dad have a nervous breakdown, because that is what's going to happen and what will happen to her then?
There is no way, she is coming to live with me as i'm over 60 miles away and have young children to think of, she has hit my eldest dd in the past.
Just feel like everything is on a knife point waiting for something to tip over.
AB

What has to happen, my dad have a nervous breakdown, because that is what's going to happen and what will happen to her then?

sadly, thats often the case

However there are things you can do- stearting by calling the social worker yorself, and making your concersn clear. Before you do, speak to Age COncern, alzheimers socirty and also trying to get him (from the SW) a carers assessment to work out his needs (every carer is entitled to one- carers assocaition can be very helpful with that side of things)

You do ahve my symapathy, a close friend is caring for her Dad with dementia (her Mum died from dementia and breast cancer- no ward could cope with the other illness- at the age of 39!) and its very ahrd for her. She does get a lunch club and some respite now though, which your dad will be entitled to.

Thanks for replying, my dad has been offered some respite care but only 1hr a week.#
He needs much more than this as he is working full time from home on time sensitive projects and he has worked hard on these years to get to where he is and he has said he will NEVER give up work.
He is just going to blow a fuse, i know it as he is a Virgo and usually Never shows his feelings.
I just feel so helpless.
AB

Ah its fairly normal for SS to be really unhelpful (I have two sn kids and beleive me I know this!). The opole who get the help are the ones who fight for it, unfortunately.

Start with the Age Concern and Alzheimers numbers below- they will tell you what can be done for your Mum, then go on to Carers Association. Sorry, it will take a while- but should be possible to sort.

many poelpe find that i order to get help they ahve to state 'Unless you do domething now, my father will be unable to cope, I cannot care for my aprents therefore you will have two peole in need of complex care left in your office' (I know its ahrsh but it seems to be the only way)

With disability etc it reeally is a cse of he who shouts loudest I am afriad- but the SW should talk to you and you need to harass them. And request a new carers assessment.

Ripeberry,so sorry that you are in this situation.

Would second Peachyclairs advice.

Could you get in touch with GP?

If she has injections who is doing these?If district nurses then you could possibly highlight the problems with them.

ok you know what i would do ,i would get the GP to do a home visit ( if possible) ,let them see how terrible the situation is and try and get her admitted to hospital ,it will be tough for both of them ,then when she is in hospital say your dad isnt coping ,that way social services will have to take notice .Plus this will give your dad a break .