82 year old mum who refuses to accept any dietary advice relating to her condition

[Angel1957]

My mum has recently fallen out with my sister who had refused to buy mum large packs of yogurts because that’s the only thing she would eat all day. Some back story, mum has been diabetic for over 20 years but at the age of 82 she has recently fallen and broken her hip which has left her unable to get out of her flat. Previous to this mum would do her own shopping. My sister and I are now doing her shopping and have refused to buy what mum calls her treats - muller light yogurts, toffee popcorn and packs of magnums to name but a few. Sister has gone on holiday so now down to me - mum rang me with shopping list earlier which included, 16 Yogurts, 3 packs of toffee popcorn and 2 x 4 packs of milk chocolate magnums. I have expressed my concern to mum about these ‘treats’ as I know she would live on these and not eat any nutritious food. I told her she was putting me in a difficult position as I know my sister refuses to fetch her this kind of stuff. All mum says is i’ve Been eating this stuff all along and i’m still here. When I point out that she is very frail, always throwing up, constantly falling (resulting in the broken hip) etc. She dismisses it all and says it’s her life and she should be able to eat what she likes. Other people’s views would be much appreciated. Health Professionals have spoken to her but to no avail.

Help the aged take phone orders for online shopping in my mother’s area - my mother refuses all computer or digital age tech, but she’s very happy to phone up a real person who writes down what food she wants in a weekly shop.

Then they turn it into an online order and arrange the delivery without my mother having to go anywhere near a computer or trying to understand the system.

Perhaps try this for your mum?

Ah, OK

It isn't a situation where there's a right or wrong answer, I think. You want the best for her. I know if it was me in her position I'd want to choose for myself. Like others have said, if she knows the position, and has other, healthy choices available, then that's probably all it's fair to do.

My mum, in her eighties, has advanced dementia. Her only pleasures are eating and watching TV. She doesn’t burn many calories (lives in a care home) so has put on some weight. I have asked the carers to monitor her weight (for her and their sakes) but up to that limit I want her to eat what she enjoys.

I don’t think half the posters on this thread banging on about healthy eating have any experience of dealing with elderly people. Prior to going into care my mum spent quite a long time refusing to eat anything, so if I could get some calories into her in the form of a Magnum I was delighted.

Frankly, I’d be raging if I got to my eighties and someone was telling me what I should eat.

There is, of course, the wider question of what you are keeping them alive for if you cut down all their choices and make them miserable.

If I manage to live to 82 I'll be eating, drinking and smoking what I want ....

She is 82 of sound mind allow her to eat what she wants in her twilight years. I would be very angry if i was unable to do my own shopping and other people dictated what i could or could not eat.

I know it's horrible. And worrying. And frightening. And a whole load of other stuff I can't put into words.
One of the problems with very old age is loss of appetite; loss of interest in food; loss of taste buds.
And, when you are in your 80s in poor health, it can be very scary as you lose control and autonomy over so many things.
Being the child watching that happen is pretty scary too, no matter how grown up you are. You remember your mum being in charge and being in control. She remembers it too.
Let her make rubbish decisions about her food. Maybe she will tweak stuff, maybe she won't.
You will both regret falling out with her when she's gone more than you would regret failing to change her diet. Again, I know this stuff from personal experience.

The Help the Aged shopping service sounds like a good idea.

We have this situation with DH's grandparents! DH's parents are on holiday at the moment so we've been helping out with shopping etc. Parents have been away for 3 weeks now and in that time, their shopping has consisted of milk, cornetto's and werthers originals. No actual food whatsoever!

We know they have food in their fridge/freezer but would have expected some form of topping up of vegetables, salad etc. By now at least.

It's all well and good saying 'leave them to it' but when they are as frail as they are (GM is confined to a chair), losing weight at a rapid pace and have gall bladder issues (GD needs an operation but has been told that he needs to control with diet in the meantime) then it's not simply a case of leaving them too it - we want them to live as long as possible and they're not looking after themselves properly but nothing we say seems to be convincing them otherwise.

My dm is going through this with dgm right now. It’s horroble to watch because my dm only wants the best and can best to see dgm apparently giving up. I’m the bastard that has said she’s either got to get the shopping requested or not do it at all.

She is an adult and has lived an entire lifetime, please don't treat her as a child. Let her make her own decisions as long as she is cognitively able

picklemepopcorn

I can't imagine the frustration of living an independent life, then getting to the point where I have to reliy on someone else and they won't get what I want

This ^

My knee jerk reaction would have been to do what your sister was doing, but when you put it how pickle did, I think you have to leave her to it.

@lifechangesforever , sometimes you have to let them come to the idea their way. With a bit of help from you.
I have no idea what will work for you. Sometimes a joke or a random conversation can do it. Reference to something a respected peer or celeb says. Sometimes taking the piss out of respected peer/celeb works.
It's bloody hard and I sympathise.
My Mum stopped smoking at 79 after smoking from her early teens and chain smoking when she was widowed.
She gave up partly for herself but partly for my daughter. I've no idea why she didn't stop for her other grandchildren.
It gave her 7 more years with my daughter that she wouldn't have had. They both made some lovely memories.
Mum died a couple of years ago. Boy, was she stubborn about food, too.

I feel for you OP. My 72 year old MIL is very similar and it's incredibly frustrating. I agree with others though - it's entirely her decision what she eats and I think you should let her crack on. Not surprised you're fuming though

Completely understand your POV OP, but I think at 82 its fine for DM to eat what she feels like. Forcing the issue could put her off eating anything at all.

As for healthy eating, yes nutrition in the elderly is very important, as is maintaining her insulin levels, but then so is eating anything at all because once they start declining food full stop then it usually signals the start of a decline. I see it in my role as a HCP all the time.

One person I looked after only ate three things and was also diabetic. The GP, district nurses and dietician were all in agreement that it was better they ate these 3 things than nothing at all. Iirc, it was porridge, yoghurt and jam on toast.
This person was 90, had eaten this way for years, and was still enjoying it right up until a week before their sad passing (unrelated to food!).

They did have Fresubin drinks however, which provided extra calories, so maybe ask the GP for some of these.

Also it helps to realise that metabolism, taste, smell etc all changes as we age, so sometimes only really sweet or salty food hits the spot.

Good luck OP.

We had this with my grandma and alcohol. Uncle was trying to get her to cut down. Mum was all for letting her be. She was 89 when she collapsed, with such advanced cancer that once admitted to hospital, she was with us for 3 more days only.

She said she’d felt a few niggles, took a paracetamol for it, then carried on with whisky every night down the labor club.

She lived her way right to the very end. Lucky woman, in my opinion.

DSis and I are going through a similar situation with our 81 year old DM. She also broke her hip recently and has other medical issues. She absolutely refuses to drink enough fluids and will on drink strong black, coffee, gin and wine. Survives on a diet of biscuits, cake and cup a soup. Absolutely refuses to take any of her medication.

we've both really struggles with her self neglect, especially as it's us who are expected to deal when she falls over or gets another inf cation. After a long chat with her GP we have stepped back and just let her get on with eating and drinking what she wants and yes we do the shopping. DM has the mental capacity to make her own decisions including ones we might consider poor. Legally we have no right to restrict her diet and we need to respect her choices. We could, of course, refuse to do her shopping but that is a step too far for us.

Why do we have to live as long as possible? Surely when you get to a certain point, it's worth throwing caution to the winds?

We make judgements all the time about what is worth doing. Some people eat fully organic, vegan, and exercise frequently.

Most of us find that more challenging that it is worthwhile, and choose not to do it.

Everyone here who thinks an 82 yr old is obliged to give up the things she likes to live longer, have you given up alcohol? Tobacco? Salt? Processed food? Because if you do, you'll live longer!

In some situations (as hard as it may be for family) then quality not quantity really is key!

If I'm lucky enough to make it to 82 I'm hitting the smack.

I'm not even joking.

Why extend your life but not get to enjoy it.

At the end of the day she's an adult and it's up to her what she eats.

I know it's not ideal, but she may well not eat at all if it isn't her 'treats'. Without wanting to upset you, it sounds like she's very frail and probably not going to be around that much longer (sorry) so I think just let her eat what she enjoys.

My grandma ate a full tube of salted Pringles every day much to my horror. She was chair bound so just sat there munching . Lived to 94!

Totally understand your concern and wanting loved ones to be healthy so they can be around as long as possible. But agree with PPs.. it's about DMs enjoyment of life, not restricting her liberty and making her miserable just so that she might be around a bit longer.

Really difficult. I'd love all my loved ones to make healthy choices in all areas of their lives, but I don't always do this myself so can't expect it of others!

Is anyone else getting McDonalds ads at the bottom of this thread? Is it because I mentioned Mcflurries???
I think the issue isn't about an extended life but living without illness. My DGM lived to 104. She was obese until the final few months of her life and on a wheelchair. You can never tell if you're going to drop dead after 6 months of stuffing your face with toffee popcorn or 20 years of I'll health as a result of your bad diet. It's sad but it's their life and they are the ones who have to live it, no matter how difficult it is to watch.

No wonder she’s vomiting, 10 yogurts in a day suprised wasn’t coming out both ends.
What about a compromise? She can get 2 yoghurts max a day?

The thing with yogurts, toffee popcorn and magnums is that they can all be eaten without any preparation. Plus she enjoys them. I’d let her have them. She’s 82. IMO she can eat what she wants, she clearly isn’t worried about the consequences, which at her age is fine.