Massive row with my father over DD car seat

[LondonNinja]

My DD is nearly one. She is not yet 8kg. She has a MaxiCosi Cabriofix seat (secured with seat belt as my car's old and has no Isofix points). She's long and unless I have her lying down (as much as one can), the shoulder straps don't remain in the right place.

Anyway, my parents are dismayed that she is "trussed up like a turkey" and have suggested that I get the next seat up, which they offered to buy for us. I am concerned that she will be forward facing (obviously this is less safe) and that she will be under the weight requirement by quite a few pounds. OK, I know that the seat isn't especially comfy as it is designed for newborns-plus, but my priority is her safety.

Anyway, my dad has just hung up on me as I expressed concerns about putting DD into a seat that is not designed for her weight. He says I need to treat each child as an individual and not just go "by the book". I was a) furious at his tone of voice from the get-go and b) his refusal to see my point of view. This is a big deal as we rarely fall out but I am absolutely fuming.

Please advise. If it is fine to put her in the next seat (9kg-plus) then I will think about it but I do NOT want to compromise DD's safety...

Absolutely NOT until she is over 9Kg, it may even be illegal? Rear-facing is much safer until 4 years old. Use this for all the proof you need about extended rear-facing. If she does seem cramped, there are combination seats out there that will be bigger and she can still be rear-facing.

You are already compromising on her safety by keeping her in a car seat which is not suitable to her actual size.

The weight or age of the child are guidelines. You need to use some common sense. My son was 8 months old when he moved onto the next car seat up, the health visitor agreed that this was a sensible move, as although he was not the correct weight, he was the correct size for the next stage seat. We went for the maxi cosi priori as it is very adjustable.

The issue here is not the car seat. YOU are her mother and YOU get to decide when she goes in the new car seat (and of course your decision is the correct one....yes you do make decisions "by the book" when the book is telling you that it is unsafe to put a child in a car seat that is not designed for her weight).

It is really that your father thinks you are still a child and he can tell you, and therefore your husband and offspring, what to do. He is angry because you are not doing what he says.

A lot of parent/child relationships go through a crisis when the former child has a child of his or her own. You need to find a way to make it clear that you will not tolerate inteferenece in your decisions.

Lionstar - thanks for that link - it is really useful information. My only priority is her safety... I feel really upset that he thinks I am just being stubborn for the sake of it.

QS - she does appear to be long (to me and my husband) but she doesn't seem excessively big for the seat. She is 11 months old and still fits into some 6-mth clothes... That seat is the one my dad recommends - it does look good and it is the one I would probably go for next.

TheProvincialLady - blimey, yes, tell me about it. When DD was newborn my mum doubted everything I did ["I know her cry - she's hungry" after just being fed] and made me feel utterly incompetent.

Lionstar - that site is a real eye-opener. Thanks again.

Go to Mothercare, or many councils offering a free car-seat advice service, and they'll tell you, by looking at her position in the current seat and the new one, whether she needs the next seat up.

As well as weight, it's also about whether her head is adequately protected (is it poking out the top of the seat?). Guidelines are not absolute rules, and if your DD is tall, she may be safer in a bigger car seat.

Thanks, ApplesandBananas that is a good idea. As it happens, her head is definitely lower than the back of the seat but I will check.

I would 1 - try to buy a rear facing seat for the next size up anyway and 2 - phone up the essex road safety team (google it) who specialise in fitting car seats, and ask them.

If she's not yet 8kg - 9kg is the minimum for forward facing - and she seems uncomfortable, I would definitely get her a bigger rearfacing seat. You can get ones which go rearfacing to the age of 4, or a combination type seat like the Britax First Class which would enable her to stay rearfacing for now and move forward facing either from when she is 9kg minimum, or she can stay rearfacing in that seat until she is 13kg. My DS is 23 months old and it not yet 13kg. He was 9kg at around 10 months, but I kept him in his infant carrier until he was 18 months old (when his head reached the end). It doesn't matter if their legs are poking out of the end, it will still be safe.

I understand that if you use a carseat before your child is the correct weight, they can "submarine" out of the safety harness in the event of a crash. It's not really about following guidelines, it's safety information about how the seat is designed to be used. Ask your mum, would she cook a chicken in a microwave? Probably not, as it's not designed for that purpose!

i wouldn't move your dd either until she is 13kgs unless you are buying a group 1 rf seat. she still fits until her head is at the top of the seat and it doens't matter if their legs are touching the seat. good luck, i know whats it's like trying to convince parents and pils sometimes!! but my baby, my way.

:)

I'd like to add my support for all of those who mention the extended RF seats - when it comes to safety you absolutely can't ignore the fact that rearfacing is 5 times safer :) And when there are now a range of seats available in the UK that will take your DD rear facing up until the age of 4.....I know what route I'd go down :)

In line with everything you've said, I would also strongly suggest that you don't consider putting her forward facing, now, or even in the next few years....rearfacing will hopefully soon be the recognised route of choice for UK parents of all toddlers :)

Hope this helps :)

Ps- for anyone else having a look at this discussion, this link/ video clips demonstrated more than a 1000 words to me when I was making this decision:

www.rearfacing.co.uk/gallery.php

hope it helps :)

Can I just add that if you decide not to go for extended rearfacing (which is actually the safer way for children to travel but I didnt know about it when I moved my child) that you get a britax first class like bertie botts recommended.

If your child can't stay in her infant carrier for longer or the britax first class doesnt fit rearfacing (in know its hard to fit in some cars because of short belts) and you do decide to go forward facing then I strongly recommend a stage 123. I have just brought a STM starlight which is actually the same seat as a recaro sport. Its really well made and will last until they are 12 as you can remove the harness at 18kg. This is a replacement for the first class that my tall nearly 3 is outgrowing. It is muchy sturdier than the Britax 123 evolver I looked at.

even if you don't decide to go for a extended rear facing seat they can and should stay rearward until they are 13kg or their head is level with the top of the seat some say their eye level with the top check your instructions. legs being tucked up is not a problem. I moved one of mine at 18mths when she was 9kg and the other when she started waking she was about 11kg I think I didn't have a base and have arthritis so couldn't get it straped in tight enough. But what ever you decide your child your rules

Thank you ? all of you. Brilliant advice.