Dp just diagnosed bladder cancer - handhold please?

[endoftetherpassed]

Hi all.

My partner has just been diagnosed with bladder cancer last week.
Totally unexpected and a shock.
He regularly has tests for his prostrate as levels have been high for 2 years. A bit of raised readings led to scan which showed something in bladder. Doctors reassured that likely to be nothing so neither of us were that concerned.
He went for tests with camera in bladder and biopsy taken last week
Doctor told him then and there its cancer.

He didn't tell me results t the tjme but later that day at dinner with kids, just said "I've bladder cancer".

I was not prepared at all and of course complete news to kids (age 11 and 19) as they know nothing about ongoing prostrate levels.
I was and still am in total shock. DP has adpergers and in his usual coping, head is buried in sand and won't talk about it at all. I dont even know egat the next steps are or what stage his cancer is at.
I know he has to go into hospital on the 20th July but I dont know what for. He has said no to me going.

A holiday for younger dd and I was already booked and we are away now. DP wanted us to go to keep things normal.

I am struggling and thank god for large sunglasses as i find myself crying alot. I am trying to keep it light and fun for dd (who doesn't want to talk about it but I know she us struggling). Her mood swings on holiday have been something else. Pure rage at times directed at ne but I know it's not really personal.

I dont want to make it almost about me but this already has been such a tough year and now this.
I've told 2 friends. One acknowledged the news once but has since just wanted to talk about her upcoming holiday. Another said "thats shite news" and has now ghosted me.
I can't tell my mum as she isn't in great health and I dont want to burden her.

I feel alone and frankly terrified.

How scary for you all. Sending you a virtual hug and all good wishes.

I'm so sorry to hear this. Such a huge shock.

Your DD will be terrified, don't take any of her anger personally and give her a big hug.

Soon all the treatment plans will kick in, then you'll be on a path at least. You can call the cancer charity lines to ask general questions and to talk it all through.

Unfortunately some friends are not good, it freaks people out. Doesn't make it ok, but it's no reflection you.

Take your time . It is a lot to cope with unexpectedly. Your DP probably needs time to process this news in his own way . His consultant may have made this upcoming appointment to discuss options and treatment. Ask him to please let you attend so that you are both aware of what you are dealing with . I'm surprised they told him by himself . Everyone in the family and friends will deal with this differently . Your friend was probably not knowing what to say or thought she should change the subject . People will say the strangest things , try not to get angry or upset .
I am sorry your family is having to deal with this . It's a cruel disease .

I'm so sorry you've had this shock. It's terrifying news to receive. I know that because my husband was given the same news when our kids were very young and he was in his 30s.

The early weeks of waiting to find out the stage etc were awful! I was a wreck and presuming the worst. Whilst I don't know your husband's situation, I can tell you that bladder cancer is highly treatable in many many cases. My husband is 7 years all clear now. And that's not unusual.

It's impossible not to worry, but as soon as you have more information it will feel more manageable. I highly recommend Action Bladder Cancer UK for lots of advice. I hope you get positive news soon.

My sister has bladder cancer . She goes for a scan once a year (it used to be more frequent ie every 3 months ) if there are any small sites of cancer they are removed . She's been told that bladder cancer is not life threatening unless it's very advanced so hence the regular scans . She was also told that B C reoccures so it's important to always go for her check ups . Apart from the scans and occasional removal of small tumours under local anaesthetic she lives a perfectly normal life and is very well and active . I'm telling you this because it's very frightening to have this diagnosis but the treatment is very successful if you keep on top of it. It takes a while to get your head rouund it and once he sees the consultant you will both be more reassured when his treatmentstarts . Sending you a hug x

@endoftetherpassed sending big hugs x if they catch it early it has a good recovery rate. My dad had it and is still clear 10 years later x again, biggest of hugs x

Goodness, your friends are being a bit shite, OP; you sound as though you’re feeling very alone, and that’s not surprising at all.

May I suggest that you talk to your daughter about what’s happening? Not in the way you’d seek support from friends but because she, too, is frightened about her father and she’s also aware that you are distressed. If you can acknowledge this and talk to her about how your DP wishes to handle the situation and make sure that she feels able to come back to you to discuss this whenever she wants to. She’s as frightened and alone as you are, and she doesn’t have MN.