Waiting for answers after husband's cancer diagnosis and feeling torn

[Rabbitsinmygarden]

We’re still waiting for a lot of answers, but DH has cancer. It was first detected in his hip bone but this seems to be secondary and the primary cancer was between his lungs (but not in them.)

Honestly, indicators on Google and websites haven’t been hugely optimistic and it does seem like he may have very limited time left. I’m devastated for him, for our future that has been taken away, for our children who are so young (5 and 3.)

I am torn between wishing I knew anything a bit more certain and thinking maybe it’s best we don’t know.

I’m so sorry. Waiting and not knowing is awful. Hope you have some good support to help you both to get through this.

The anxiety of waiting for information is so very bad. I know NHS goes as quickly as it can, but unless you've experienced the anxiety of waiting, you really cannot appreciate how debilitating it is.

But wait you must.

I'm so sorry your husband is going through this.

I wish I had some more encouraging words for you. But I dont.

Perhaps the most encouraging thing I can say is that I've had cancer three times, and I'm still buggering on. So you never know.

Much love in your hard time.

Thank you so much. I so want to believe we still have a fighting chance, there’s just so much we haven’t done.

I'm so sorry to hear this. I was diagnosed with cancer in October and my consultant advised me to stay away from Google and only to get information from my own medical team.

It's really easy to scare yourself by reading stuff online but everyone's illness is different so I try and just focus on my own case and ignore the statistics.

I am so sorry. Can you start looking at clinical trials in places such as The Christie, Royal Marsden, Europe/US?

It sounds like it’s very early on in the process for you and this is absolutely the most stressful part. What information have they given you about next steps for a diagnosis and a possible plan going forward?

Please don’t just write him off yet. Lots of people are diagnosed at quite advanced stages with much more extensive mets than you have described and go on to be NED (no evidence of disease) with treatment. The treatment options these days are not what they were even 5 years ago, so please try to stay hopeful.

For now, I’d focus on making it possible for him to rest and look after himself, but also spend quality time with your dc. That’s the most important thing right now until you know more.

I’m so sorry this must be terrifying

@Rabbitsinmygarden sorry you are going through this. It is horrible. When my wife was diagnosed, I think it was the feeling of helplessness that hit me the most. All you can do is take each day as it comes, each bout of treatment as it comes, and each diagnosis as it comes.

I agree with the above in staying away from Dr Google, that way lies madness. At the end of the day, none of us know how long we have left, and my suggestion is to do the things you've been putting off for 'one day', use the things you've been saving for 'best', make memories, talk about the things you've done together, laugh, cry, hug.

I hope that his outcomes are positive, but if they are not, there will inevitably be a day where you may wish you'd said more, done more, hugged more. I know this as I lost my wife to cancer last year. There isn't a day that passes where I don't think of her, and wish I'd told her more often how wonderful she was. I did that a lot, but it just never seems enough. Of course, even if I had had the one additional conversation, I would want another, and another, and another.

Try and stay as positive as you can be. It is very easy to slip into a depressive cycle, and the reality is that there are many treatments now that didn't exist even five years ago. Nothing is certain until it actually happens. My wife made it longer than her prognosis.

Big hugs from a stranger in the ether.

Thanks so much to all of you for your replies.

There is a lot we don’t know, but we do know it’s secondary bone cancer and have to be realistic those outcomes don’t look hugely optimistic and seems to be damage limitation rather than a cure. But of course he could manage for many years.

I do understand why people say to stay away from Google but it’s hard not to. And there are useful links and resources.

I am scared. I’m scared for him, scared for me as I know there’s a chance, more than a chance that in a years time I may be widowed with a six year old and four year old. And I’ll cope because I have to but it’s not what I thought life would look like of course.

I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through OP. I speak from experience (DP and brain cancer) and it was the worst time. I felt as though I was on a treadmill just getting through each hour/day. Everything from that period is just a blur. The anticipatory grief was dreadful. Please try to look after yourself.

On a practical level, does he have Private Medical Insurance? They often offer a service whereby you can speak with a nurse, who may be able to answer some of your questions?

Does he have Critical Illness Cover? If so you should be able to claim.