45yr old husband cancer advice

[banannabreadforme]

My husband has been diagnosed in January with lung cancer that has spread to his brain and kidneys. Last weekend he had a blood clot in his pulmonary artery and was taken to itc. He seems to be improving with blood thinners. We have a 10yr old and a 12yr old. I am past being devastated. Please tell me all the sensible things I need to do to ensure me and our kids are ok x

I've no advice, but sending you hugs strength and prayers xx

Practical stuff, wills, funeral plans, are the car(s) in your name, do you know bank account details, log in details for any accounts you’ll need to access, get as much in your name as you can… I’m sorry, it’s shit.

Hugs, and more hugs

Practically make sure he has a will. Even though you are his wife, there will be lots of delays in probate if there is no will.

Also, and obviously this is nothing like a husband, but I lost my father last year. Think about whether you have control of the stuff in the house, or joint ownership of it. Even things like utility accounts, and phone bills (BT are pants) will require evidence of death and that you are the executor, to continuing supplying the house if the accounts aren't joint. Make sure you know passwords and stuff for other things you will need to do like closing subscriptions to magazines and stuff.

Contact MacMillan or the local hospice. Even if your husband is treated successfully eventually, they can help support you all emotionally, and practically if you husband were to be very unwell will say chemo and was to need any help at home. I know people who have survived cancer, but still got very very poorly on chemo and needed personal care and things. Above all. IT'S OK NOT TO BE ABLE TO DO THIS ALONE! It's ok not to be able to be with your husband, with your kids and at work all at the same time. Enlist help! Even if it's a neighbour doing a school run, whatever.

I’m so sorry Op.
If he’s well enough could he write the kids letters for big birthdays/wedding day etc?
I really wish I had a recording of loved ones voices.

Practically I’d try and get bank accounts in your name, direct debits on to your accounts, bills in your name so you haven’t got to worry about that later.
passwords for stuff like social media, Netflix etc.

local to us, there was an excellent bereavement charity for children, they could go for counselling before their parent died too, but you had to live in the right postcode. Hopefully you will find similar in your area.
people will want to help - let them.
wishing you strength.

You're entitled to sickness benefits, if you've not already claimed, they are not means-tested.

And yes, wills, LPA, all the house stuff as pp have said. Also his pensions, if he has one, are you the recipiant?

All the best.

Hello banannabreadforme

I was diagnosed with cancer in July 2024, thankfully mine was early but chemo was brutal and there’s no guarantee you will respond to chemo how you need to. My children were 5,7 and 9 when I was diagnosed. I was advised by Macmillan to write letters to my children, tell them how much I love them and share special memories eg the day they were born, their birthdays, special occasions and my hopes and wishes for them in the future. I decided to start gathering photos of me with my children so they could ‘see’ me sharing happy times with them.

xx

My DH had lung cancer that went to brain and bones.

we’d done the will sort of stuff but hadn’t done the password stuff so was a nightmare getting into some of his computers. Stupid things like we’ve currently a garage full of tools, most of which I have no idea what to do with.

pm me if you want to chat.

Thank you so much everyone for your help xxx

There's a good market for preloved tools plus you might need some.

Maybe ask if anyone at your local Men's Shed can help?

I’m so sorry OP. Most of the below has already been covered but there are a few extra ones which might be helpful:

Ensure Will is up to date.

Get Powers of Attorney in place now as with brain he may lose mental capacity quickly.

Does he have pensions? If so he may be able to claim them under the ill health rules.

Does he have life or critical illness cover? If so contact the provider to see if he can claim.

Apply for blue badge if needed for transport - parking close to entrances etc.

I wish you both well.

So sorry OP, you must be beyond devastated.

I have cancer and it’s 50/50 which way Chemo is going. All the practical stuff is vital; wills, passwords, beneficiaries for pensions, funeral arrangements, bank account details etc.

I echo it’s utter shite
Do contact MacMillan if you can. They are full of useful advice and information.

Handhold and plentiful hugs 🤗

Blue badge: excellent advice. I will also apply.

Hugs

Practical things. make sure you know where all the money is, put bills into your name, make bank accounts joint if possible. Get him to write a will, needs to be then witnessed by non family members and non beneficiaries. Get passwords /passcodes to all accounts and devices. Have his national insurance number to hand plus his birth certificate and passport if he has one. If you haven’t already apply for pip under special rules, it’s fast tracked. Check out applying for bereavement benefits, it’s not as generous as it once was but it’s something, hopefully a help so you can concentrate on your family. Finally there’s specialist support available afterwards, turn to it if you need it, not everyone does but it’s there.

oh and if you need somewhere just to sit, or someone to talk to don’t forget your local church, we are there for all people, those of all faiths and none, those stopping in to me even get tea, I can’t change what’s happening to people but I can listen and I can assure you that you aren’t alone.

Gutted for you.

I would be trying to think ahead now and use others to put things in place to make sure income stream protected / buffered so one less thing to think so much about through whatever next phase holds.

Speak to a financial advisor. IHT rules are changing around pensions- which may or may not impact your family. He might have multiple pensions. Check.

Also may be able to put more money into pension or take out. This would entirely depend on household financial situation and other factors.

Ditto any insurance from DH employer- or if has own company may be able to get payout from insurance early.

Any critical illness insurance? He may have forgotten about old policy?

Same for private health care- even if using NHS. Some policies payout an amount per day if in hospital but not in private.

Tax for this tax year. It's soon- worth speaking through situation with accountant or ifa to see if you should handle anything differently this year.

If you are working, is there employee assistance program that could provide advice / support to you?

Sending strength.

Following as I also have a 45 year old husband diagnosed last year with stage 4 cancer and a 6 year old.

Help him to create some memories for the kids. I’m starting books for each of them where I can write down memories for them. Have him record videos so they have memories of him speaking. Write birthday cards for them and choose some presents for milestone birthdays in the future. They will be grateful for those memories of him.

My dad and a few friends are coming round in a few weeks and hopefully we’re going to get a skip and sort it all out, will be putting the ‘good’ stuff on marketplace

Obviously I don't know what his prognosis is but he should be eligible for Personal independence Payments. If prognosis is likely to be less than 12 months then ask his cancer Nurse specialist to issue an SR1 form which will fast track the PIP benefit and it can start to be paid within 2-3 weeks. Depending on your financial situation there may be other benefits available too like Universal credit, carers allowance (once PIP in place ) etc. Speak to the macmillan benefits team. An SR1 form would also fast track a Blue badge without needing to do a whole long application.

Im so sorry x