Dads cancer diagnosis please help

[Confusedmum74858]

My 72 year old, very fit and active dad was diagnosed with cancer a couple of weeks ago. He’d had on and off pain in his hips for months (he had a double hip replacement over 10 years ago so thought they were wearing out) but he did have tests and scans etc and nothing was picked up during that time. He’s also been having kidney stones for months, and visited a&e a couple of weeks ago because he was in so much pain. And that’s when they did a CT scan with contrast and found a massive cancerous tumour in his pelvis, which has fractured it and has encased his urethra therefore causing the kidney stones. They kept him in to have a procedure to fit a drain into his kidney so that his urine collects into a bag attached to his leg which has to be emptied. He was told he had cancer just after this, when he was all by himself too and was completely caught off guard as cancer hadn’t even entered his head, my mum had only popped home to grab him some clothes and essentials. They also told him that there was a “shadow” on a previous scan back in February but this was never passed on or acted upon. The consultant used the words “aggressive” and there are bone and lymph node metasteses, so we already know it’s spread and is probably stage 4. He had a biopsy a couple of weeks ago and the wait for the results is absolutely agonising, just before Christmas too. He looks so frail and poorly and is so fearful and tearing up all the time. He absolutely adores his grandchildren, loves life and certainly isn’t ready to go and we’re not ready to lose him. The hospital discharge notes say possible sarcoma or lymphoma - even at stage 4 lymphoma respond better to treatment so I’m really praying for this to buy us some time. I don’t really know why I’m posting this but I’m not even 30 yet and I just can’t realise a future without my lovely dad in it. If anyone has any words of wisdom or positive stories on either cancers mentioned, I would be so grateful.

I’m so sorry to read this xx

So sorry.

Hopefully they can work wonders and you'll have years left together.

Thank you so much, I’m praying so hard. My parents are usually very hands on with my kids, they are 8, 2 and 1. My husband works away in London all week and is only back on weekends, so I’m finding the weight of working and looking after the kids by myself and house and getting ready for Christmas which can absolutely eff off right now but of course I’m still doing all of the magic for them, on top of all the worry about my dad so enormous 😥

Hello OP, I feel for you, it's a really tough time for everyone. My dad was diagnosed with an aggressive blood cancer at 75 and is still going strong three years later, not cured but in remission, and once the initial shock and sadness had settled down a bit we all came to treasure the time we have together in a way that we hadn't before, so in a way it's made us stronger. It will be a rollercoaster ride for a while yet, but there's plenty of support out there - Macmillan are great and there may be local services in your area which can help your dad and/or the rest of you with some of the practical and emotional stuff.

Make sure you take a bit of time to look after yourself too, and forgive yourself if a few things get left undone for a little while; this is tough on everyone and you can't be strong for your family unless you're taking care of yourself.

There may be some decisions for your father to make about treatment. If you're in the UK, NHS provision for cancer patients is still pretty good and there will be people on hand to provide information and advice. Sending you love and thoughts.

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. It’s incredibly tough and such a shock to process. The advice I have is mainly practical: firstly, all your heads will be spinning, so make sure that someone always goes to any medical appointments or listens to any calls with him (your mum, you etc) and takes notes so you can refer back and discuss afterwards. Secondly, if the prognosis is sadly not good, then spend as much time as you can with him now. Medics will offer best advice, but everyone’s disease progresses differently. Get the grandchildren to also spend a lot of time with him now. As a nation we seem very good at telling people “to take all the time they need” off work or school after someone dies, but really, now is the time.
I really hope you have some positive news and have a lot more time together.

@boringingoring Oh bless you and your dad, I’m so glad he’s still going strong!
and thank you for your lovely encouraging words. I am going strong with leukaemia for the last 8 years, though mine was never aggressive like your Dads. I’ve always just had to take a tablet every day which has kept the cancer undetectable. I remember how hard it was being diagnosed though, I was only 21 and had just had a baby and it was so scary.
I hope you have lots more precious time with your Dad, I agree that it has already made me appreciate mine so much and hope to cherish however long we have left with him and make some more lovely memories 🤍

So sorry to hear this. It’s very scary especially when you don’t know what’s going on. Maybe Xmas will be a bit of a distraction while you are all waiting on the details and tests.

Thank you all for your words of encouragement. Still no update today on the biopsy, the wait is agonising. I just feel so in despair. I had a really bad nights sleep last night too with my 1 year old keeping me up until 1am, but still managed to get everyone off to school/nursery on time and off to work then put my eldest into the after school club for an hour so I could “close my eyes for 20 minutes”. However, I did not close my eyes for 20 minutes, I slept through the alarm I had set and had a phone call from school asking where I was because my DD was worried as I’d not picked her up, I’m mortified 😵‍💫 I’m just so exhausted emotionally and physically and feel like I’m failing from every angle.

Sorry to hear about what you are going through. Quite a similar situation going on with me, so just want to know you are not alone. Dad has stage 4, only recently found out. Previously healthy and active. It's been a shock and exhausting processing it all. I have found MacMillan very good for explaining things and my dad has given permission to me for some of his clinic letters and scans to be shared with me as he is overwhelmed by it all, but I must stress that you do need someone in the know to explain it. I had to ask for these get, as although in both cases it was explained to be metastatic, I was given two different staging with one consultant saying an organ was affected and the other saying it wasn't (it is still bad either way). You can also order lots of free booklets from MacMillan to help your dad and anyone caring for him through the process (although they have easy read versions, so be careful, as the one we most needed i ordered in easy read format!).

I did feel sheer panic and despair at first, can't explain it, just totally driven to do what I can, but I have young kids that really need me too, so it is difficult. My dad doesn't have a partner, so it's kids and siblings helping him through the process and some people are still getting their head around the news.

Is your father having any symptom management for pain? Is he eating and drinking OK? You mention he is frail? My Dad has been put on strong pain killers, supplementary drinks and steroids once his cancer was confirmed to increase appetite and reduce inflammation. Also given anti emetic for nausea. This is with a view to build his strength for palliative chemo.

Do you have wider family that can support you and your parents?

I do hope that everything goes OK, but just want you to know that if it isn't the case you are not alone.

And you are NOT failing. Your circumstance are extremely challenging, so please don't give yourself a hard time. Many people find this hard even without young kids.

This is very tough, is there a Maggies Centre either at this hospital or somewhere nearbye, they are incredibly kind and helpful. McMillans advice line is also a useful source of information and support. Once you find out which cancer it is there will be a specific charity e.g. Leukamia Care which will also be helpful.

OP, I’m going through very similar with my Dad. I have two young children ages 8 and 10. I’m an only child though and have fallen apart in the last week a lot. My Mum has too. It’s really difficult.