How to tell children about stage 4 cancer diagnosis

[MyPeachHiker]

After a year of treatment for prostate cancer, my lovely DH, aged 51, was told yesterday that it has now spread to his bones (pelvis, spine, ribs, base of skull, femur). He is starting hormone therapy today and chemo in the next couple of weeks. Average life expectancy is 5 years.

We have two boys aged 16 and 13. They know everything that has happened over the past year, surgery, radiotherapy etc, but up until now the prognosis has been positive, as it was always treated as not a big deal by everyone. We were not expecting this. How do we tell our children? Are we completely honest about DHs life expectancy or do we tell them it has spread, he will need more treatment and we don’t know what his prognosis is. To be honest, we don’t really know how long he will have, it will all depend on how he responds to treatment. They are so close to their dad, I’m not sure how to break it to them.

Thank you everyone. We spoke to the kids this weekend and they took it well. We followed @moneyadviceplease advice and were honest, but didn’t include timeframes. They did ask if he would lose his hair and whether it would affect his life expectancy. We said yes probably to both, but we are just not sure to what extent. They seem ok. This is also complicated by the fact that DH was also the child in this scenario. He lost his mum to cancer when he was in his teens. This has been really hard for him.

I wouldn't say he has a limited life unless they ask. They are at exam age and that needs to be considered. Be very honest with them in every way. Tell them it's spread to his bones so they have to change the treatment plan. If they do ask questions then be very honest with them. My mum was given 5 years and lasted 15 so you don't know accurately.

Just been through this (exh) and honestly is the only way. Explain how the treatments they are offering are to make his life longer they hope but it’s not going to make him cancer free. Don’t put a number on the years because at best it’s an educated guess, instead emphasis about make the rest of his life as good as you can. One mine took it well, the other is avoiding it completely.

Macmillan have a booklet on talking to children and young people about cance, worth a look.

Have you/they had any counselling to help explore feelings about this? Many charities offer free sessions if you can't otherwise access it.

Realistically they may well google this including prognosis so worth emphasising that google does not have a personalised prognosis for your DH

I am so sorry you are enduring this and although you have communicated the bad news there will be no doubt be further questions as things sink in over the coming weeks and months. The point that they will probably ChatGPT / google everything is important to head off at the start I think.

I have found this thread helpful as I most likely have to navigate a similar conversation at the end of this week - I have 4 from 18-25 and wondered about telling them separately or all together? I imagine the younger two girls will be quite emotional and I don’t want that to distract me from my two older sons who are much more introverted.

@Mullet so sorry you're going through this too. We told ours individually so they could respond in their own way. But we only had two to tell, and four is a lot of painful conversations to have. Perhaps you could consider talking to then in pairs but of course you know your kids best. We decided to tell them early in the day and then go out for a pub lunch and a walk, which somehow helped to normalise things a bit. It was good to do stuff together as a family after such a difficult announcement

I had to do this with my teen DC. I sat them down told them the facts, and that I, their GPs or an uncle were there for them if they needed to talk or had any questions.I had to do it alone becuase DH was in hospital during covid and despite the prognosis we were unable to see him. The they went back to their computer games.

I'm surprised they've put a number on it, or is that Dr Google?

Read up on Sir Chris Hoy - there is also a documentary on the Beeb later this week.
His children are a bit younger, but I get the impression that the Hoys have been very open and honest with them.

@Mullett we ended up telling them separately, purely because they were so busy with their own plans that weekend that we had to grab them when we could. We told them in the morning and then went out together later in the day to get a Christmas tree and have some cake. Sorry you are having to go through this too.