Dad diagnosed today

[Yesreallyitsme]

Hi all. My Dad today was confirmed as having pancreatic cancer that has spread to his liver. He is 80, currently in hospital but lives alone as a widower. I know that he is not likely to have long left, as these are tricky cancers. I would however be grateful for any words of wisdom - what is the best thing I can do to help, what can I try to get in place for him? Just anything that you can recommend to make this as least awful as possible will be gratefully considered. Thank you.

When you can, ask hospital for prognosis and what they might advise. If treatment is offered would Dad take it to prolong his life?

Other than that, if the prognosis is very poor, then enquiries for palliative care/hospice when the time comes might be timely.

I am sorry.

I’m really sorry. I would be asking for a move to a hospice if possible. Have they given any timelines to you?

Thank you. No timelines yet, Dad has been referred to a Pancreas, Liver and Bile Duct specialist team. I’ll be at the hospital tomorrow so hoping I can ask them questions then.
i don’t think Dad will accept treatment, but I could be wrong.

@Yesreallyitsme I'm so sorry to hear this news. Would your dad be willing to have carers/hospice staff in? Sending the biggest of hugs x

Treatment can mean "things to keep his quality of life as good as it can be". Treatment doesn't have to be all about survival, it can be about keeping him comfortable, too.

My exFiL refused any investigations or treatment which meant he had a miserable final few months after a cancer diagnosis. Even just understanding better his cancer condition would have helped him when he sought help for other health issues.

My gut feeling in OP's situation is very one day at a time. What can I do today to brighten his day or help him out. Today is ultimately the only time we have. Any other time (future or past) is just speculation or memory.

I'm so sorry to hear this.

But as someone whose mind automatically goes to the practical my thoughts were around finances.

So,if someone has a terminal diagnosis they can be fast tracked for Attendance Allowance, which is not means tested.

It's also a gateway benefit, so will help you get, for example, a Blue Badge for your father.

The money from the Attendance Allowance could help towards adjustments to his/your house (if you both choose to go that way.)

I'm sorry if this post sounds uncaring, I've had cancer myself and I know how frightening it is. So its not my intention.

Hi I’m really sorry to hear this and I know how hard it is as I lost my dad last year to Pancreatic cancer.
He was stage 3 and tried a chemo to give himself more time but unfortunately only managed a couple of rounds before he was too poorly to continue. It was his decision to try but I’m not convinced in retrospect it was the right decision. The main thing though was that it was his choice and I take comfort from that.
He managed at home with support from carers and my elderly mum initially but then he went into hospice nearer the end. This changed everything as both he and my mum could be cared for and it took the pressure off. My dad wasn’t keen on taking too many painkillers but the hospice were good at discussing this and he was comfortable.
What he said was the best thing though was a heat pad I bought him from Amazon - this really helped with the back and abdomen pain. He did have a plexus block for the pain but unfortunately it didn’t do much.
i found the nurse helpline at Pancreatic cancer UK very good so also be worth a call for support for yourself.
Take care of yourself xx

So sorry to hear this.

My Dad died of cancer. He was good at letting us know what he wanted which made everything a million times easier. Will your Dad be good at letting you know what he wants?

Bless you, how awful for your Dad, you and all the family.
We went through a similar thing with my Dad. He passed away 2 years ago this Friday aged 86. My advice for what’s its worth is to spend time with him first and foremost. I’m so glad I saw as much of him as I could manage. He enjoyed my visits and I don’t feel any regrets about not being there for him which would’ve made the already painful grieving process even harder.
Where possible make sure someone attends appointments with him because there’s a lot to take in and it’s hard to remember and understand what was said. Dad had a brilliant Macmillan nurse who sat with us after each consultant appointment so we could be sure we understood what was happening, what options there were etc.
Our Dad wanted to stay at home and he had a brilliant palliative care team. He also used some of his savings to pay for an agency to provide care. It was expensive but worth it to see him reassured that he could stay at home.
I wish you and your family all the best at such a stressful time

Thank you for all the very considerate and kind answers. I’m sad to hear so many people have had to live through this too.

@shellyleppardI hope he will be open to having carers. I live about an hour away from him and work full time as well as having a DS to consider. It would bring me peace to know he has carers popping in to see him when I can’t.

@lljkkah, ok. So yes, I think he will accept pain control etc. I just think he is incredibly unlikely to agree to any chemo or similar. I like your idea of tackling each day by day, it makes a lot of sense. No point thinking weeks into the future when I don’t know where will be then.

@user1471453601you don’t sound uncaring at all, I too am a very practical person. I’ve never heard of Attendance Allowance before so I will look into this, thank you.

@Netballwizzsorry to hear about your Dad. Great tip about the heat pad, thank you. I’m keen to do everything that can make him more comfortable.

@FamousSideeyesorry to hear about your Dad. I hope my Dad will let me know what he wants and needs. I think he will, to a certain extent. I am keen to involve third parties, so they can act as an extra sounding board too and he doesn’t feel like he is ‘burdening’ me.

thank you @Legomum789and sorry to hear you’ve been through similar. Excellent tip re writing stuff down, I can leave copies for Dad too as he is quite forgetful with the pain and stress.

im so pleased to hear he had a great palliative care team, and hope Dad can benefit from the same. I will say, the NHS staff involved over the last week or so have been nothing but wonderful.

Sorry to hear this. I expect it’s too advanced for any treatment and given his age, palliative care is likely to be the plan. In my experience it can be very quick with pancreatic cancer, i’ve had 2 friends who lost a parent to this in the last 2yrs. Keeping him comfortable and pain free as much as possible is key. He may be able to go home with carers initially, but then may need someone there 24-7. I lost a very good friend to lung cancer this year, sadly only 57. She needed round the clock care and was admitted to a care home for 24-7 care as she wasn’t safe to be at home or her daughters home.