What was appreciated most?

[Mandy1010]

My DF’s partner has been ill for some months and it has taken some time to get a diagnosis. We’ve just been told that it’s metastatic breast cancer and it’s incurable. Yet to find out what treatment she will be offered. Feeling very sad about this for her and also my DF.

I don’t live close by. I’m wondering what people have found was helpful / supportive throughout this process both now and further down the line. Feeling a bit helpless but maybe that’s just how it is?

You do feel helpless, because ultimately you are. There's nothing you want to do more than help, and that means make them better, and that's the one thing you can't do. When my best friend was dying she found well meant personalised gifts very hard to deal with. Things like photo books felt like a shrine when she was still alive. So be careful with those. Little things though like bulbs for the garden, letterbox brownies, cotton PJ's (cancer meant she sweated a lot at night and needed multiple changes of clothes) were all good.

Listen to them and see how they react. Some people like to chat about it, others are more private. However, communication is good, so send a message to them offering your support and that you are thinking of them.

Your time.

My favourite presents when I was having chemo were books: I had an awful lot of time to read while hooked up to a drip. Cake, flowers & bath stuff are all lovely but the books - even when they weren’t what I would ever have chosen for myself! - were my favourites. It felt like they’d really thought about what I might like. Obviously your friend might not be a reader, but I suppose the point is to think about her as a person & what might help her in this situation rather than going straight for the standard gift options. Occasional texts checking in were always really welcome as well: people used to say ‘please let me know if you hate being asked how you’re doing’ but much to my surprise I found that I absolutely loved being asked how I was doing & was always very touched to realise that people were thinking about me.

The thing I’ve found the most helpful, other than practical support when I literally couldn’t do things like look after my children because I needed to sleep, was people asking me about the cancer and my treatment and what’s happening next. It’s a hard thing to blurt out in conversation because you don’t want to be that Debbie Downer who is always talking about cancer. Asking directly about it and creating space to talk about it really helped.

And to keep doing it. Lots of people are there and ask how you’re doing in the first few months. But it goes on a long time. I’m on month 14 now and still in treatment, still have 2 surgeries to go this next year, and then it will be 5 years of watching and waiting at least even if I’m cancer free. For your family member, it will always be there so don’t stop asking about it next year or the year after. That’s been the most helpful thing for me.

The most helpful thing to me was vouchers so we could buy some ready made meals. I liked getting flowers but not plants I had to look after. Magazines are great because my attention span is rubbish. Friends checking in and sending texts and cards are lovely. I loved getting sweeties and chocolates too. I’ve been very lucky to have supportive friends and family around and that’s the most important thing. 💐

I'm currently having treatment and some of the most thoughtful things have been silly cards each week from my book club.
I also got some vinyls from a work colleague, utterly random, one was a pianist playing Bach and another more country/ western. I listened so I could comment and thank him and I absolutely loved them both. I'd never have chosen them but the randomness and thought meant everything.

Other things that have been a godsend are Bluetooth headphones, mobile battery pack and the practical elements of being driven to my appointments.
I've struggled with reading as my brain is mush but I am listening to lots of podcasts so Spotify has been invaluable.
I've also started journalling so perhaps a notebook?
I also have a whiteboard with all my different key numbers on and each week I complete chemo I tape up my wrist band to visualise how far I've come.

Pending how tech savvy your Dad's partner or dad maybe help with online food deliveries? Getting as much as you can set up in advance.

Oh another this, I filled pots full of autumn and winter plants for the front door to make me smile each time I come home, I have an solar irrigation system so I don't need to water.
It's a small thing that makes me smile

Just want to point out that the fact that cancer is not curable doesn't always mean that you're going to die from it - at least not for quite a while.

I have incurable cancer but have been told that it is controllable - currently just by taking a daily tablet, but with other options available as and when

And (at present at least) I feel perfectly fine.