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Cancer

Find advice & support if you or someone you know has been diagnosed with cancer

Refused Treatment

37 replies

FruitPoppets · 09/09/2025 21:52

A close friend has refused treatment for cancer.

The consultant told him they could cure him.

He has refused due to side effects of treatment- he does not want to lose erections.

he is 60 with 3 children and a wife. He has two grandchildren.

I know sex is important for so many relationships but surley you would want to stay alive to see your family grow up?

OP posts:
SouthernNights59 · 10/09/2025 00:04

Enigma54 · 09/09/2025 22:00

As one who is hanging onto the hope that my treatment will work for my aggressive cancer, I cannot understand why your friend would even consider refusing treatment, with a potentially curative effect.

I’ve had a mastectomy, reconstructive surgery and a hysterectomy. I’m also on hormone therapy and chemotherapy. Sex life has been shot to pieces. I don’t care, I want to live!

Wishing you all the best Flowers

LIZS · 10/09/2025 09:00

6namechange3 · 09/09/2025 22:25

Prostate cancer can be slow growing, many men die with it rather than of it. The treatment can involve hormone treatment, loss of sexual function and incontinence, maybe he has weighed these factors up and made a choice that feels right for him.

Agree with this. It can often be managed rather than cured. “Watching and waiting” is also a valid course of action. Surgery has no guarantees anyway, either of cure or risk of side effects, and is invasive.

Nocookiesforme · 10/09/2025 10:27

Hi OP @FruitPoppets
I have breast cancer for the third time now and have refused treatment this time much to the disgust of the oncology staff. They have 'cured' me twice now and each time the BC has returned to the same place within months of the all clear as they have refused to take off my breasts and insisted that removing the 'lump' is sufficient. Chemo and immunotherapy was so horrendous and I nearly died from sepsis and I have lost 5 years to treatment and recovery.
I thought about it a lot this time, did some research and realised that if I looked after myself I could manage 2 years relatively well so that is what I decided. My DH & DC agree with my decision and I'm coming up to 2 years in fairly good health so far. With the help of my palliative care unit I have access to pain relief + advice, set up a DNR and prepped for hospice care.

Oncology dropped me like a hot potato so I'm on my own but I am in better health for not having chemo and have enjoyed doing stuff, being with family, going on holidays and continue working.
I'm going to die and I can now feel the cancer spreading so I divide the year into two chunks - I aim to get to Christmas and then after that get to June and so on.
This has focused my time and attention on what's important and I have been well enough be with my kids (adult now). Some days I feel ill or in pain or just exhausted but having experienced what oncology does to you twice I know that I have made the right decision. I would add that oncology did actually manage to kill my friend a few months ago with chemo. She had about 6 months as cancer quite advanced but oncology insisted (and I mean insisted) that she have a course of chemo to see if it effected the tumour. She was dead 48hrs later and all oncology said to her only child was "well maybe that wasn't such a good idea" - I kid you not.
Sometimes having treatment isn't best and sometimes we should perhaps accept our fate but it should always be our choice. We should not be judged for that.

FruitPoppets · 10/09/2025 12:02

Nocookiesforme · 10/09/2025 10:27

Hi OP @FruitPoppets
I have breast cancer for the third time now and have refused treatment this time much to the disgust of the oncology staff. They have 'cured' me twice now and each time the BC has returned to the same place within months of the all clear as they have refused to take off my breasts and insisted that removing the 'lump' is sufficient. Chemo and immunotherapy was so horrendous and I nearly died from sepsis and I have lost 5 years to treatment and recovery.
I thought about it a lot this time, did some research and realised that if I looked after myself I could manage 2 years relatively well so that is what I decided. My DH & DC agree with my decision and I'm coming up to 2 years in fairly good health so far. With the help of my palliative care unit I have access to pain relief + advice, set up a DNR and prepped for hospice care.

Oncology dropped me like a hot potato so I'm on my own but I am in better health for not having chemo and have enjoyed doing stuff, being with family, going on holidays and continue working.
I'm going to die and I can now feel the cancer spreading so I divide the year into two chunks - I aim to get to Christmas and then after that get to June and so on.
This has focused my time and attention on what's important and I have been well enough be with my kids (adult now). Some days I feel ill or in pain or just exhausted but having experienced what oncology does to you twice I know that I have made the right decision. I would add that oncology did actually manage to kill my friend a few months ago with chemo. She had about 6 months as cancer quite advanced but oncology insisted (and I mean insisted) that she have a course of chemo to see if it effected the tumour. She was dead 48hrs later and all oncology said to her only child was "well maybe that wasn't such a good idea" - I kid you not.
Sometimes having treatment isn't best and sometimes we should perhaps accept our fate but it should always be our choice. We should not be judged for that.

I must thank you for sharing your perspective and your experience. I hope you continue to have good days. Wishing you all the best and your family xx

OP posts:
Sidebeforeself · 10/09/2025 12:09

OP your posts contradict each other. In the first post you are clear;y judging him for his decision , but in the second you say “his body his choice” Not sure why you need others opinions?

Dealing with cancer is a very very personal thing.

Dozer · 10/09/2025 12:12

Not your business. He / whoever told you this might well not have shared all of the information. He has capacity to take decisions.

Badbadbunny · 10/09/2025 12:17

OH and I saw what my mother and FIL suffered during their cancer "treatments" and it literally scarred us for life just how cruel it was, not just the side effects of the treatment, but also the inhumane way they were "cared" for in hospital once they were eventually too weak to stand up for themselves.

It's definitely quality over quantity of life. Both had their last few years absolutely blighted by endless hospital appointments, treatments, awful side effects, etc and cancer killed them both in the end anyway, before they regained any kind of "normal" or enjoyable lives despite their "treatments" being regarded as successes!

They'd both have far preferred to have actually "done" things like holidays, days out, enjoying quality time with grandchildren, etc., rather than being tied to endless rounds of hospital appointments for blood tests, x-rays, scans, consultations, treatments, admissions, etc.

OH got diagnosed with incurable but treatable cancer around 8 years ago. It's a kind of blood cancer, so no need for "operations" as such to remove tumours, growths etc. All "treatable" by chemotherapy mostly. He went through the initial course of chemotherapy drugs but the next stage was a stem cell transplant. He looked into it in great detail as to the process, pros and cons (had to do that himself because the oncologist wouldn't got into the detail and made out it was a standard/straightforward procedure) - but there was massive downsides to it, and in the end he refused to have the procedure. It would have been done in 2018 but he'd have been pretty much house bound throughout 2019 due to his entire immune system being zeroised and having to start again to build up immunities etc., which he found out could take at least a couple of years for the most basic of colds etc. In the event, we had 4 foreign holidays in 2019 as he was fit and well enough, so that was 4 holidays we;d not have had otherwise. Then of course covid hit in 2020 and 2021 so he'd not have been able to go abroad anyway due to the risk of catching covid in crowded places like airports and aircraft! Looking back, it was definitely the right decision not to go ahead with the stem cell transplant. They only gave him a "few years" even if he'd had it, which he's by-passed even though he didn't have it, so no guarantee he'd be alive today if he'd gone ahead and died of either complications of the treatment (which happens) or contracting covid or norovirus or something else afterwards due to having no immunity system.

People have to do their own research and make their own decisions. I'd never judge anyone for whatever decision they make when it comes to major surgery and/or chemotherapy etc.

Iheartmysmart · 10/09/2025 12:29

The partner of one of my friend’s was diagnosed with prostate cancer a couple of years ago and has chosen a watch and wait approach as he didn’t want to be left impotent and incontinent. He is late 50s and happy with the choice he has made.

I have a similar view to other posters after watching several friend go through cancer treatment, it is absolutely brutal and not something I’d choose for myself. Quality of life over quantity any day.

FruitPoppets · 10/09/2025 19:48

I dont “need opinions”, its a forum. Its a topic that made me wonder and I decided to ask on a chat forum…. Thats all :)

OP posts:
FruitPoppets · 10/09/2025 19:51

Badbadbunny · 10/09/2025 12:17

OH and I saw what my mother and FIL suffered during their cancer "treatments" and it literally scarred us for life just how cruel it was, not just the side effects of the treatment, but also the inhumane way they were "cared" for in hospital once they were eventually too weak to stand up for themselves.

It's definitely quality over quantity of life. Both had their last few years absolutely blighted by endless hospital appointments, treatments, awful side effects, etc and cancer killed them both in the end anyway, before they regained any kind of "normal" or enjoyable lives despite their "treatments" being regarded as successes!

They'd both have far preferred to have actually "done" things like holidays, days out, enjoying quality time with grandchildren, etc., rather than being tied to endless rounds of hospital appointments for blood tests, x-rays, scans, consultations, treatments, admissions, etc.

OH got diagnosed with incurable but treatable cancer around 8 years ago. It's a kind of blood cancer, so no need for "operations" as such to remove tumours, growths etc. All "treatable" by chemotherapy mostly. He went through the initial course of chemotherapy drugs but the next stage was a stem cell transplant. He looked into it in great detail as to the process, pros and cons (had to do that himself because the oncologist wouldn't got into the detail and made out it was a standard/straightforward procedure) - but there was massive downsides to it, and in the end he refused to have the procedure. It would have been done in 2018 but he'd have been pretty much house bound throughout 2019 due to his entire immune system being zeroised and having to start again to build up immunities etc., which he found out could take at least a couple of years for the most basic of colds etc. In the event, we had 4 foreign holidays in 2019 as he was fit and well enough, so that was 4 holidays we;d not have had otherwise. Then of course covid hit in 2020 and 2021 so he'd not have been able to go abroad anyway due to the risk of catching covid in crowded places like airports and aircraft! Looking back, it was definitely the right decision not to go ahead with the stem cell transplant. They only gave him a "few years" even if he'd had it, which he's by-passed even though he didn't have it, so no guarantee he'd be alive today if he'd gone ahead and died of either complications of the treatment (which happens) or contracting covid or norovirus or something else afterwards due to having no immunity system.

People have to do their own research and make their own decisions. I'd never judge anyone for whatever decision they make when it comes to major surgery and/or chemotherapy etc.

I hope your OH continues to have good health and thank you for sharing your personal experience - I am so sorry your inlaws had horrible experiences also. Cancer really is awful x

OP posts:
mindutopia · 11/09/2025 09:58

I think there are some people for whom their life long coping mechanism has been to run away. My mum was diagnosed with stage 3 endometrial cancer a number of years ago. She very nearly decided not to have treatment. She was that terrified that she would have rather died. (She did in the end accept treatment and has been cancer free over 5 years now).

I was diagnosed with stage 3 melanoma last year and you couldn’t get me on treatment fast enough. I wanted all of it, whatever they could give me, as soon as I could start.

It’s how my mum and I are fundamentally different. She is a runner from problems, head n the sand sort of person. I’m a first one in there dealing with it straight away sort of person. Ultimately though, it would have been her life and her choice (though one with consequences for all of us). I think it’s bonkers myself, but her decision to make.

Nocookiesforme · 11/09/2025 10:50

@mindutopia
I'm NOT bonkers thank you and I find your post a bit offensive actually.
I did exactly what the hospital told me to do - twice! It hasn't worked because I likely have a genetic issue which the hospital don't test for (I can't afford £600+ to get a DNA test done via USA privately) and the hospital just keep giving me the exact same treatment because it's 'the gold standard' even though it's definitely not working. So yes, I am taking my future in my own hands but my family have watched me get destroyed by treatment twice - twice! My family respect my decision and agree with it and we've had a fabulous two years making memories. It's very possible that a third cycle of aggressive chemo would leave me incapacitated and that's if sepsis doesn't finish me off first.

I'm glad that you are accepting everything that's being given to you but I'm not fucking bonkers for saying no to treatment. To be honest I should have said no the second time but oncology convinced me that it would different the second time and I'd get a positive result and have a 87% chance of surviving 10+ years before any chance of reoccurrence - it was 8 months and I suspect that they bloody knew it would be back sooner.
Some people do run away as a coping mechanism due to fear and people do assume this about me. Some people like me say 'enough' and I am judged.

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