How and when to tell my DCs

[selfmademaniac]

I’m currently waiting for a 2 week wait appointment for suspected breast cancer.

im struggling not to go down the rabbit hole but it’s hard not to as I have multiple risk factors, obvious symptoms and my referring GP, who also works at the breast clinic, has not given me any cause to be positive.

If/when I get news this week I know I will have a lot to process and so I need to think now about how to manage this around my DCs. I have quite a lot of trauma around this from my own DMs illness when I was a child.

My eldest DC is an extremely sensitive young person who is currently negotiating their own MH challenges as the settle into secondary school. I really need their transition to go smoothly and this was to be my main focus for the next few months.

My other DC manages better but is demanding and can be full on. Both are bright and very perceptive on any changes.

I am poleaxed by the thought of having to tell them about this. logically I think it is best to wait to tell them when I have the whole picture/treatment plan etc but I am worried how I will manage to hold things together and keep this from them for however long this takes.

Please can anyone give me some advice on when to do this to make it the least worse thing?

Really sorry that you are in this situation. Very difficult. Was your DM's illness the same? I am asking because you may be overthinking it at this stage. Your DC probably won't notice, and the advice is generally to wait until you have the full picture.

Yes, that’s one of my risk factors.

I was diagnosed with bc 4 years ago. Until I had a full diagnosis it was business as usual in public and in front of family and friends. Obviously my DH was in on it but we decided to tell DS, who was 16 at the time, once I’d been for the treatment planning appointment. They give you a pack and you can pick up leaflets on how to approach telling children.
DS accepted the information asked a few questions and coped fairly well.
The one thing I did before telling him was to email his form tutor to explain what was happening, she, in turn, notified all his subject teachers. She had a chat with him about seeking support if he needed time out during the day, but I think his psychology teacher spent the most time with him. She watched him throughout sixth form in fact.

I think that because we were open and matter of fact about the whole process he coped. I know that he talked with a couple of friends who he is still close to. One of which is an only child with older parents like us. They find it easy to talk about more emotional stuff with each other.

I found it easier to talk about it with DS once it was all out in the open and to be honest the only person I was emotional with was my DSis. But that is for different reasons, shared life experience of cancer in the family.

We all made it through and DS is now at uni. He does check in with me regularly. We regularly just chat but I think that’s just come with age.

Whatever the outcome they will cope and become stronger as a result. I lost my DM when I was a young adult. It was tough but I think as a result we are just better at coping with whatever comes along. It doesn’t alway feel fair but you learn to accept.

Sorry that you’re in this situation. So mine were 4 and 7 when I was diagnosed. We waited until I had a treatment plan in place and then told them mummy had breast cancer, she would need to have lots of appointments in hospital where the medicine may make her feel poorly lose her hair etc and then assured them that their lives would continue as much as possible as they already were. We had lots of support from friends around us to get the kids to school and clubs etc. Then I just answered any other questions as and when they asked them. I also bought them a new teddy each which was to cuddle if they needed me and I was at an appointment.

I’m sorry and I hope it’s positive news.

If you do have cancer, I would ask for any advice with regards to speaking to your children but agree that getting the full picture first of all is best as your prognosis and necessary treatment will be important part of that discussion.

All the best.

I would wait until you know what you’re dealing with and you have an idea of the plan. That will probably be when you have a diagnosis and an idea of staging (if it’s spread) and what treatment will be. But it’s also okay to just say, I’m going through some tests with the doctors so feeling extra stressed and tired right now, just to explain why you might be preoccupied or irritable.

Also, I can say from my own experience that telling my dc (mine were 11 & 6 at the time, eldest also just started secondary that week) was not nearly as difficult as I expected it to be. They took it much more in their stride than I did. And it really wasn’t a big deal. Even like showing them all my surgical scars (I have some really big ones), they were totally not fussed and so much less freaked out than I was seeing them for the first time. They will probably surprise you.