I need to vent

[Lacey55]

DH has rectal cancer. We found out last year, at the time my DD was on holiday. We wanted to tell both DD and DS together so had to wait for a week until she returned.

I have never really got on with BIL he is so full of himself and is never wrong.
The day we got the diagnosis DH confided in BIL who was obviously very concerned. Both BIL & SIL sent me a text message saying sorry. I just replied "thanks" as I was still in shock and also stressed about telling the children.
I sent MIL a nice message and said that I will look after DH and try not worry.

A few days later I had to phone BIL about one of the appointments. Asked "how are you?"
His reply "Well I haven't slept for days! I'm so worried and you have to remember he is my flesh and blood!"
I just told him that I was sorry but I was still in shock and worried about telling the children and they were DH flesh and blood.

We had a few complications with DH, I researched and found 2 different specialist who really helped.
i have been on every appointment with DH and every chemo. DH was in hospital for a week and I went every day to see him. BiL never visited once or did he phone, message to see how I was.

Now we have been told that DH has to have life changing surgery. It was a shock as he responded to chemo/ radiotherapy really well.
It's a major op with long recovery. SIL messaged to say how sorry and that BIL was particularly upset. I just replied that yes a shock for us all and not expected. SIL is actually very sweet but adores BIL and cannot see any wrong in him.

I guess I'm just upset about his attitude. Like it's a competition on who should be the most upset. I'm more concerned about DH and my DC. I'm also worried how I can navigate the next step along with attitude from BIL?

Sorry for the length of this post, just feeling very confused at the moment.

Firstly, I’m very sorry that your husband has had this setback. It’s v tough for him, you and your adult children

It is tough for your BIL too. But not as tough, it really isn’t.

Having supported various family members and friends, and having been successfully treated for cancer myself my advice is

Dump out: your husband is the centre, he dumps out to you who is in the next circle, or to any other outer circles; you then dump out to children, friends, family, clinicians, your hairdresser, not inwards to your husband. Your BIL can dump to his wife, his mum, his mates, the postman but NOT to you, your husband or your children. I cannot tell you how much I didn’t care that my husband’s best mate found my cancer v hard to deal with. I knew my husband found it tough, I could empathise, but not be particularly supportive. The one going through it does not need to deal with other people’s upset.

Possibly acknowledge how upset BIL is, but say that realistically it simply does not impact on him in the same way. He’s not going to have major surgery with a long period of recovery. He is not fretting in the small hours about his prognosis. His life is not radically changing. Ask that he takes his distress to others, as you and your husband are unable to help him with it.

Wishing you and your immediate family all the best during this challenging time.

Thank you @GrannyGoggles for your thoughtful reply.

I have had to deal with a lot of anger from DH. Especially when BIL took him to see an alternate "dr". He advised DH not to have chemo and DH spent £600 on potions and anti worming tablets. I was made to feel like I was stupid by urging DH not to listen to this man. It caused huge upset.

We have only told a few people, one of DHs friends who has been amazing and regularly checks in on him and me too. Absolutely nothing from the other 2 friends. One is a couple who we have both been friends with for over 25 years.

I just need to keep my distance from BIL, thanks again x