Should my sister visit

[SereneOpalMember]

Hi, My dad was recently diagnosed with a lymphatic cancer. It is a low grade and he is showing no symptoms other than fatigue, weight loss and anaemia. The doctors have put him on watch and wait for 6 months. He is 84 and very active and adventurous. He and my mum are aiming to go to the Grand Canyon next year as their last big trip.

They live in Australia and my sister lives in NZ. I live in England. I am able to take time off in mid December to visit for 3 weeks. My sister is between jobs but has no plans to go home. She hasn’t been home for 3 years. I go home once a year but will increase this due to the circumstances. My sister has experienced mental health issues over the years and she feels this has stemmed from us having a strict upbringing and feels my parents were very controlling. I emphasise with her and have helped her over the years as have my parents. I just feel it would be supportive and kind to my parents if she was able to go over to see them for a week. She has been out of work for a month but receives income from property alongside working in finance from her previous job so can afford to. She is insisting they visit her and thinks it is up to dad. Dad said he wants her to focus on getting a new job so she says she’ll do what dad wants. Of course he wouldn’t insist on her going over.

He shouldn’t be flying in an aircraft for some time until he receives medication and a possible plasma exchange to stabilise his bloods. I think it is selfish of her to insist they come over when she could come over. Mum is 80 snd dad 84. They are well but dad got sick last year before all this when he visited me in England. His white blood cells are compromised so he was sick with some infection for 3 weeks. I want them to focus on their trip next year. Mum says she will want her and dad to go over next year before their trip in April as she hasn’t seen my sister for so long. I get it but my sister has not worked now for a month and spends her time playing with her cat or gling to the local pub. I’m not judging that if our dad hadn’t just been given a cancer diagnosis! I feel mum would like some support and it would be nice to know how dad is from her perspective. She is waiting on a job but this is the same job she has been waiting on for a month now.

I think you’re both adults and she can make up her own mind. Visit. Leave the door open for her but the choice is ultimately hers.

Another factor to consider is whether your DF would struggle to get affordable travel insurance due to his age/diagnosis so maybe better if your DS could go to them?

I think it is better if she goes to them. He will struggle with insurance to visit her. They are in negotiations with their insurance provider over their trip. That may be a problem too.

It all points to her busing them. I think it is a no brainer. I can’t get ny head around why her instant thought process is to visit them so they don’t feel like they have to visit her. I understand she finds it triggering to go home as they can insist on doing certain activities etc and can be over involved. I just think we are lucky to still have parents and no parents are perfect. I try and live in the present and not dwell on faults of my parents. We don’t have kids so it is easier for us to travel.

Honestly no benefit to anyone in this story will come from you having strong views and sharing them. As above, everyone involved has the same information you do, if they choose to make decisions you would not that's up to them. You do you I think is the phrase. Hope your dad stays well.

I think your sister should do what feels right to her. I mean, he’s 84, cancer or no cancer, he is in the twilight years of life. Many people don’t even live to see 84. So if she wants to see them, she should not take time for granted.

All that said though, I’m not close to my mum. We are NC now. She’s an 8 hour flight from me and in remission from stage 3 cancer. I happen to also have cancer myself, but no I won’t be visiting her, because I don’t like her and I don’t want to. That’s my choice.

If it were my dad, I would visit.

But that’s not the same as saying your DS should. We have no idea of the background. And you might not know the whole story. And even if you do… she just might not want to. Which is sad, but it’s up to her.

Thanks for all your opinions. I never looked at it like this. Her relationship with them has always been strained for various reasons. We had the same upbringing but everyone reacts differently. I have told her my opinion but as everyone has said, it ultimately is up to her and I need and will do what is right for me.