My mum has brain cancer. I contradicted her, now she hates me.

[SaltySeaMaiden]

My 90 year old mother has terminal cancer that has sadly spread to the brain. She is being cared for at home by my brother and myself with plenty of help from the MacMillan carers plus district nurses. She has become delusional and we have taken advice not to contradict her, just distract and change the subject. Yesterday, after a nice calm few days, she got incredibly upset that she’d seen her mother (who she loved dearly, and who died 12 years ago aged 100) on TV accused of a terrible crime. She was angry and shocked, saying her mother was a good woman and would never do such a thing. She also said that my brother saw it too, and that they’d decided not to tell me. Only because she was so distraught, I tried to tell her that it didn’t happen, that she didn’t see this, that it was the cancer causing her to hallucinate (she’s well aware she has brain cancer, and more recently has said crazy things, only to realise later that it was the cancer talking) and that of course grandma wouldn’t do such a thing. Big mistake. She got so angry with me that I ‘didn’t believe her’, I mean really angry. I stayed calm and left her to rest. A couple of hours later, she wakes up and tells me to get out. My brother comes in and she tells him to tell me it’s true. He doesn’t go one way or the other, as he’s trying to keep her calm, and we both hope she’ll forget about it. She hasn’t. She’s refusing to be in the same room as me, refusing to eat together, absolutely convinced that I am a very bad person. This is heartbreaking to see my beloved mum like this. It’s difficult to know what to do. My brother just hopes it will all blow over, and it might, but she shows no sign of easing off. We don’t know if the best thing to do is for my brother to also tell her she was hallucinating. Would it help her, or send her over the edge? Although it’s hurtful, it’s not me I’m concerned about, it’s her, as it’s awful to see her so riled up and hateful towards anyone. It happened yesterday, and her anger towards me is even worse today. I’m just cooking and keeping out of her way at the moment.

Sorry for you and the situation your mother is in.
Maybe you should ask GP/DN team to review her medication and see if there is something that might help her be calmer and less agitated?

I’m so sorry, this is an awful thing to have to experience. I don’t think your brother should tell her she’s hallucinating, it won’t make any difference or upset her further. He should just keep trying to soothe her . Do you have professional support, it may be good to talk to them about it.

Can you apologise OP. Tell her your grandma was such a lovely woman you just refused to believe it, but you understand now and leave it there ? It might be enough for her to move on. You are not going to get her to think logically about this, but a few sorrys might do the trick.

Just always agree.

I think that's essential. No matter what she says, agree with her.

Oh op
I understand. Had similar in same situation.

Just say you're sorry you disagreed and that you upset her xx

Horrible situation and am so sorry for you. Don't cook up a story with your brother, it's just adding layers. You need to apologise and say you were mistaken and then distract with a better locus. Take her out for the day (if you can), or a good film, or a board game. I know it's rough and takes some time to get used to the 'nodding though not in agreement' way of dealing with delusion, it is the best for the person suffering, you may think you help them by disabusing them of their notion, but that is not how the delusional or demented mind works.

And with any luck, she'll forget about it in a day or two.

Just go and apologise, make things right.

I had very similar OP, not brain cancer but just dying of too many birthdays in late 90’s. Their mind had gone back to the war, and were convinced we were at war, but couldn’t say who with. They could see and hear soldiers marching past the windows, tanks and guns…it was horrible as it was totally real to them.
To start with I tried to reassure them it wasn't real, but after a week or two when that didn’t work I just tried to change the subject and by then they were sleeping loads. It was awful. Medical professionals were reluctant to prescribe anything calming, which annoys me now, several years on. I’m sure we have the drugs to calm a situation like this, I can’t understand the medical professions reluctance to make things easier on everyone, patient and carers. Addiction/shortening of life really shouldn’t be an issue when there are days/weeks left.

I’d say just agree with everything she says and keep out of her way if she remains angry with you. See if the Drs have any bright ideas for medication. Remember it’s not really her now, I’m sure she loves you dearly.

I would just tell her that you believe your grandmother was a good woman, and would never commit the crime she described.

You don't have to lie to her, or contradict her truth.

I’m sorry it’s horrible when this happens, I was so shocked how badly my mum spoke to me when she had a brain tumour, caring for someone who is being horrible is hard. Remind yourself it’s just the damage to the brain/treatment/shock and stress, it’s not your mum.

Thank you for all your replies. I thought about all your comments and agreed that a simple apology was best. I left her for a couple of hours with my brother, then went in and told her that I was sorry I’d upset her, and that I loved her very much. She was fine and told me she loved me too. She was tremulous and wide-eyed, almost like she wasn’t clear about what was happening. The next day (today) has been a much better day. Her delusions have lessened, and there’s been no mention of grandma (and her terrible crimes) thank goodness! Good days are few and far between, so I’m grateful for today. Thanks again to everyone who commented. It’s so hard to see a loved one like this.

Thanks for the update, I was thinking of you - I think you handled it perfectly and am really pleased to hear that things have improved. It's a really tough road you are walking, I absolutely sympathise.

Oh and if it helps - my aunt had very severe dementia - to the extent that she thought I was my mother and when I used to visit her with my dad (she was his sister) she always used to say: "Oh it's so nice to see you both - go on - give each other a kiss" and she meant a proper kiss. BLERGH! I was 17 so it was even more gross at that age (blimey nearly 30 years ago!) We would then distract her from the idea of course - but on the way home we would laugh about it, because what else could you do really? Dark humour and all that! That's how I would cope with granny's fictional crimes!